This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 3 April 2021

Dead people don't come back to life

Today we have another guest post from Alice in Wonderland (age 11) of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. In January she explained very persuasively that Miracles are just a bit unlikely, and now she has an Easter message for us (or possibly a Good Friday message, she wasn't sure which was which).

tweet by Alice Roberts

Dead people don't come back to life.

Some people (like Fr Chasuble our school chaplain) will tell you that Good Friday is all about someone rising from the dead. But it isn't possible. IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T!!! Top marks for rhetoric, here, Alice - J. Eccles SJ (teacher). As a scientist, I tested this by experiment. So Auntie Doris has been sitting in the living room ever since she died 3 years ago. This proves that Christianity is bunk. QED.

There are other aspects about the passion narrative - I thought passion was a fruit, but Fr Chasuble says it's what we call the bits at the end of the gospels - that a trained scientist like me (We remember your detention for making hydrogen sulphide in the school toilets! J.E.) can easily refute. There's a bit about Peter (a famous person in the Bible) cutting off someone's ear and Jesus (another famous person) sticking it back on again. WELL, I TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. Mrs Van Gogh the school cook is very cross too!!! Marks for initiative, here, Alice! J.E.

Peter cuts off the ear

Ear today, gone tomorrow (special joke by Alice!)

But let's get back to the big question. Fr Chasuble tells me that Easter is very important to Christians, although the Bible misses out the really important bits about bunny rabbits and eggs. So if dead people don't come back to life - as I have proved (QED) - then we can tell all those learned doctors of the church: St Thomas Augustine, St Basil the Fawlty, St Albert Mangus, ect. to pack it in.

Tomorrow I am going to Battley where lots of Muslims are hanging round a school trying to sell pictures of Mohammed. Won't they be surprised when I tell them that their sacred book the Michel Coren wasn't dictated by some supernatural God but was all made up! Have a good trip, Alice! J.E.


  1. St. John Chrysostom's Paschal Homily
    Isaiah, foretelling this, did cry: Hell, said he, was embittered, when it encountered Thee in the lower regions. It was enraged, for it was abolished. It was enraged, for it was mocked. It was enraged, for it was slain. It was enraged, for it was overthrown. It was enraged, for it was fettered in chains. It took a body, and met God face to face. It took earth, and encountered Heaven. It took that which was seen, and fell upon the unseen.

    O Death, where is your sting? O Hell, where is your victory? Christ is risen, and you are overthrown. Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen. Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice. Christ is risen, and life reigns. Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the grave. For Christ, being risen from the dead, is become the first fruits of those who have fallen asleep. To Him be glory and dominion unto ages of ages. Amen.

    *I adjusted the translation because I felt that "embittered" didn't capture the exact mood well enough.

  2. Dear Alice,

    Not to boast, since I had nought to do with it, but I did come back to life. To be candid, I wasn’t in a big hurry to come back to this vale of tears & I still had to die again, but I’m humbled to pre-figure the glory of Christ’s resurrection.

    It sure made some people mad as Hades. Seems I made quite a spectacle of myself when I emerged 3 days after my death. Almost like a portent of things to come. I didn’t even smell bad, as my sisters feared, which is something of a miracle in itself.

    If you ask me, which you haven’t, why is the Bible so understated about miracles? Maybe because I was raised up in front of a crowd of witnesses despite my being 3 days dead as doornails. I sure didn’t raise myself. The whole thing was a total surprise to me.

    Miracles of grace do happen every day, but most of them don’t make the news. If you ask, you will receive. I’ve met Him so I know.
    Anyroad, Alice, see you in Paradise, I hope.