Vincent Nichols cancels Triduum

Catholics in the diocese of Westminster have been surprised to learn from Cardinal Nichols that this year the Triduum is completely cancelled, and they will move immediately from Thursday afternoon (after Cardinal Nichols has completed the ceremonial washing of the feet of women, Muslims, dogs and cats) to the traditional Sunday evening worship of rabbits and eggs, as performed by the Church since the first century.

However, three new activities are to replace the triduum, as follows:

1. All praise to Little Amal!

Another opportunity to worship Little Amal, the symbol of migration (or was it climate change? I forget). And if you don't, then she will send her mother, Big Amal, to beat you up!

2. The religion of football.

Football (soccer) is already one of the main obsessions of the UK, and it is time that the Catholic Church forgot about all that passiontide stuff and celebrated a religion said to have been founded by the disciples. It is no coincidence that there were exactly 11 of them left after Judas Iscariot was, er, transferred.

3. This would be an ecumenical matter.

It is no coincidence that March is Black Transgender Sikh History Awareness Month, and we must always be open to alternative forms of worship, provided that they are not in Latin!

Definitely no TLM!

On reaching the age of 75, Cardinal Nichols tendered his resignation to the Pope, as he was obliged to. However, the Pope is not obliged to accept the resignations of yes-men: trouble-makers are another matter, of course, and they are instantly cast into the outer darkness without a home, a job, or a pension. We have all seen DO NOT FEED THE BURKE signs on the walls of the Vatican. However, Vin is safe for the time being (and so are we, if they are really thinking of John Arnold as a successor).

"Ugh! Heresy! Take it away!"

New ApartTrad system announced

Following the issue of Traditionis Custodes, Pope Francis has now decided a name for the new "first class" and "second class" system under which the Catholic Church will be organized from now on - it will be known as ApartTrad.

A typical ApartTrad notice.

First Class (Novus Ordo) Catholics - the ones that Pope Francis expects to see in Heaven with no questions asked - will be given full facilities for offering the post-Vatican II Mass. This will be in "vernacular" of course, although in another ten years from now, Francis intends to insist on Italian ("like Jesus spoke") since all other languages will be condemned as divisive, not to mention racist, fascist and major causes of climate change.

Second Class (Traditional Latin Mass) Catholics - already labelled "Satanic" by some of Francis's attack poodles - will have to struggle to find a place where their perverted liturgies can be offered. At present a twenty-mile walk to Mass is considered reasonable, but as the restrictions begin to bite, there will only be a few "Concentration Camps" in which those old fogeys (some of them as young as 3) will be allowed to congregate.

Amal Clooney is sent to check on Cardinal Nichols's orthodoxy.

Of course there are many people who attend both EF and NO Masses, and they are advised to establish their First Class credentials as soon as possible, before the new "yellow star" system is introduced to identify the TLM plebs.

Other sacraments will soon be denied to the Seond Class Catholics. No Marriage ("we don't want them breeding!" joked Francis), no Confession/Reconciliation (this has already largely disappeared in the Novus Ordo, since so many sins have been reclassified as "no problem, guys"), and of course no Ordination ("MORE Satanic priests? I think not!)

Of course some sins are still recognised.

Already the Vatican has received worldwide condemnation for its new ApartTrad system, with such paragons of religious freedom as China, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan reeling in horror at the cruel persecution seen in the Catholic Church. So there are hopes that President Francis may yet moderate his policy.