New ApartTrad system announced

Following the issue of Traditionis Custodes, Pope Francis has now decided a name for the new "first class" and "second class" system under which the Catholic Church will be organized from now on - it will be known as ApartTrad.

A typical ApartTrad notice.

First Class (Novus Ordo) Catholics - the ones that Pope Francis expects to see in Heaven with no questions asked - will be given full facilities for offering the post-Vatican II Mass. This will be in "vernacular" of course, although in another ten years from now, Francis intends to insist on Italian ("like Jesus spoke") since all other languages will be condemned as divisive, not to mention racist, fascist and major causes of climate change.

Second Class (Traditional Latin Mass) Catholics - already labelled "Satanic" by some of Francis's attack poodles - will have to struggle to find a place where their perverted liturgies can be offered. At present a twenty-mile walk to Mass is considered reasonable, but as the restrictions begin to bite, there will only be a few "Concentration Camps" in which those old fogeys (some of them as young as 3) will be allowed to congregate.

Amal Clooney is sent to check on Cardinal Nichols's orthodoxy.

Of course there are many people who attend both EF and NO Masses, and they are advised to establish their First Class credentials as soon as possible, before the new "yellow star" system is introduced to identify the TLM plebs.

Other sacraments will soon be denied to the Seond Class Catholics. No Marriage ("we don't want them breeding!" joked Francis), no Confession/Reconciliation (this has already largely disappeared in the Novus Ordo, since so many sins have been reclassified as "no problem, guys"), and of course no Ordination ("MORE Satanic priests? I think not!)

Of course some sins are still recognised.

Already the Vatican has received worldwide condemnation for its new ApartTrad system, with such paragons of religious freedom as China, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan reeling in horror at the cruel persecution seen in the Catholic Church. So there are hopes that President Francis may yet moderate his policy.

Tutu chooses Hell

Fascinating news from South Africa, where Archbishop Desmond Tutu tells us that he would prefer Hell to a homophobic Heaven.

The sort of tutu that nobody would mock.

So Desmond, do you think that in Heaven people's sexual urges will be relevant? Have you really thought this one out? Would it be better to stop posturing and just accept the fact that Christianity has always looked rather dimly upon homosexual activity, as one of many recognised sins?

Entry requirements for Heaven are a 2.1 degree or better. A 2.2 is not good enough.

Look, I'm sorry Des, old man. You were dead right to oppose apartheid - although as a black man in South Africa it would have been surprising if you hadn't - but you are getting very confused when you start talking about sexual morality. Good Christians don't persecute homosexually-inclined people, but they don't pretend that sex in any context other than within marriage between a man and a woman should be approved of, either.

Desmond, how nice to see you. We have lots of bishops here.

Meanwhile, this blog is uniquely privileged, in that it has contacts in Heaven. So we asked St Paul for a brief statement on Desmond Tutu's latest outburst.

St Paul comments.

"I'm afraid that Mr Tutu really wouldn't enjoy Heaven. We do have some rather strict rules, you see. No smoking, no drugs, no guitars, no pet mice, no Paul Inwood music, and no sex. What we have is much better..."

We expect that Giles Fraser will soon be available for comment. He usually is.