Pope puts world on journalism alert

Police worldwide have declared a state of red alert, after Pope Francis, in an audience with, er, Italian journalists, decided to charm them by telling them that journalism based on rumours and fear is terrorism.

Fr Rosica explains that he never spreads gossip, rumours, or indeed interesting news.

Apparently, there is a genuine danger than innocent members of the public will be assailed by journalists, who after uttering a fanatical cry such as "Daily Telegraph!" or "Spectator!", will proceed to ask them what they think Amoris Laetitia means, and whether they think Pope Francis is about to abdicate in favour of Cardinal Tagle. Said Inspector Vincent "Vin of the Yard" Nichols, "If you suspect that someone may be a journalist, do not approach them directly, but keep your distance and dial 999. Our anti-journalism squad will do the rest."

Madeleine Teahan of the Catholic Herald. Wanted for gossiping about the Pope's pizza-addiction.

Said Anjem Choudary, the radical cleric sentenced for supporting ISIS, "These journalists make me sick. Take Damian Thompson, for instance. Rather than going out and slaughtering a few people in a train, like an honest man, he makes snide remarks about my hairstyle and my love of custard. No wonder the Ecclestone Square boys can't stand him."

Superman also has a secret identity as a Tablet journalist. Don't tell the Pope.

"Rumours and fear" is of course a direct reference to the reception given to most of the Pope's recent pronouncements. Did he really say THAT? Is he trying to change Catholic doctrine? Was he misquoted? Why can't he give a straight answer to a straight question? Be afraid... be very afraid.

A Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist, and a radical Muslim meet

Once upon a time there were a Satanist, a Jesuit, an atheist and a radical Muslim, and they decided to compare their achievements.

It's hard to look normal when you're a complete loser.

"I must be the most evil," said the Satanist. "I have backed the Devil, the Father of Lies. I like backing losers: I also support Norwich City football club, the Zimbabwe cricket team, and Jeremy Corbyn. I am really attracted by the possibility of eternal damnation and the Lake of Fire. Knowing that God is almighty and could obliterate me with a crook of his little finger, I take part in black masses where I profane the sacrament, simply because it makes me feel really naughty. Look at me, folks, I'm the bad boy of the class."

This is what passes for Catholicism in New York.

"I'm not evil," said the Jesuit. "In fact I am MERCIFUL. I also practise a new type of Catholicism, in which we deny all the established teaching. The pope's going to ordain women, you know - after all Mary Magdalene was the Head of the Church at the time of the Resurrection (and she even wore a dalmatic). The Holy Spirit is a woman - trust me on this - and so is the Spirit of Vatican II. Now I want to encourage people to practise Ignatian Discernment: nowadays, this means dreaming up the wackiest ideas possible and imposing them upon an interpretation of holy scripture!"

Brian Cox knows what K(q",q';T) is, so he must be CLEVER.

"We've been having a hard time recently," said the atheist. "Dawkins has been ill, and split from his wife; Grayling's still sulking about Brexit; Fry's thrown a wobbly and vanished from Twitter; I've been making a complete hash of pretending to be a climate scientist; only Elton John can be said to be leading a truly happy life. Moreover, everyone laughs at us, because we can't find a single rationalist who isn't just a little bit odd. Indeed, worldwide we're in decline, even though in the UK the Catholic and Anglican bishops have done wonders for our cause. So, although I would like to say we're undermining the Christian religion, it is in fact the Christians who are doing it themselves."

"Swing low, sweet Sharia..."

"We've been having a good press lately," said the radical Muslim. "Our ISIS chaps have been torturing women and children, burning people alive, feeding them to wild animals, etc. These are Western ideas - your chap Hitler wouldn't have found them at all horrifying. Now I understand that Owen Smith - the man who will lead the Labour Party if Jeremy Corbyn doesn't - thinks he can solve all our problems by inviting us to sit round a table with him. There was even talk of beer and bacon sandwiches, like the politicians used to offer to trade unionists in the 1970s. I can't see that working: indeed if Owen Smith drops round we shall probably EAT him."

In the end, all four of these guys died and went to Heaven. The ways of God are strange indeed.

Call my Bluff!

For each word below we have three definitions. Which is the correct one?

Choudary

Looking forward to a bowl of choudary!

1. A choudary is a strongly flavoured soup made of pork. Seen in expressions such as That disgusting choudary has made me feel a little sick.

2. No, "choudary" is a Shakespearean form of "cowardly". See for example, Henry V: Go, go; you are a counterfeit choudary knave!

3. In fact, a choudary is a a cricket stroke that goes badly astray. The word is a corruption of the surname of the late Colin Cowdrey, an England cricket captain. For example: That was a pathetic choudary! Mr grandmother could have done better with a stick of rhubarb! (© Geoffrey Boycott)

A choudary.

Bergoglio

1. Clearly, it's a variation on "imbroglio". After the fiasco of the Extraordinary Synod on the Family, the situation in the Church has become a real bergoglio!

2. Nonsense, it's an Argentine dance, similar to the tango. I'm really looking forward to the next Mass: we're performing a liturgical bergoglio in honour of the bishop!

Time to begin the bergoglio!

3. Actually, it's a very humble peasant dish, something like a stew. The Holy Father came to the canteen today, and ate a simple dish of llama bergoglio!

Pepinster

1. It means a stern governess, of unimpeachable moral character but few religious convictions. The word is a portmanteau of (Mary) "Poppins" and "spinster". "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the Bitter Pill go down!" sang the pepinster.

Mary Pepinster.

2. As you knew all along, it's a very hot spice, something like pepper. Ye are the pepinster of the Earth, and I'm sick of the lot of you! (from the apocryphal Gospel of St Catherine)

3. Obviously, it's a specialised term for someone who controls the puppets in a religious service. The word is a corruption of "puppet minister". The pepinster overslept this morning, so we had to celebrate Mass without using the Teletubby dolls.

Dawkins explains moral philosophy

This blog has often expressed the opinion that Richard Dawkins is barking mad. On the other hand, we do not think he is as barking mad as Anjem Choudary, the Muslim activist who looks forward to the day when the flag of Islam is hoisted high over the Knesset, the White House, Downing Street and the Kremlin. So that's all right then.

"Being made into soup by cannibals is bad, but it's worse if they forget the salt and pepper."

Professor Dawkins recently managed to offend a number of people with a succession of tactless tweets, of which this is an example:

Learn to think the Dawkins way.

E: Richard, how nice of you to drop into this blog. Well, not nice, really; pretty horrible in fact. But not as bad as having my toenails pulled out. Is it worth pointing out to you that sometimes making gratuitous comparisons is silly and unnecessary, and that it can often be offensive?

Molesworth compares mumps and measles. This is not an endorsement of mumps.

R: But Eccles, this is LOGIC. You just haven't learnt how to THINK, boy!

E: Could you give us another example of your amazing insights, Richard?

"Jack the Ripper wasn't as bad as Hitler."

E: Good point, Richard. Er, is that supposed to be an endorsement of Jack the Ripper, then?

At this point Professor Dawkins lost his temper and stabbed Bruvver Eccles to death.

Reader's voice: That's pretty bad, but thank goodness he didn't cut him up and eat him!

Having your head cut off is bad, but worse if you forgot to put the cat out first!