Eccles just can't be bothered

There are too many villains, idiots and heretics in the world, and how can I possibly keep up? Perhaps I should have a month or two off blogging, and let the world continue to satirize itself.

The dreaded Huq the Rupa.

In Victorian London, many innocent boys and girls were slaughtered on a daily basis. In an attempt to stop the flow of little corpses, men and women would aggressively pray outside abortion clinics, using the offensive words "Hail Mary, full of grace...", and desperately trying to save innocent lives.

But London was a dangerous place to pray, and in those foggy streets, people dreaded the sinister tread-tread-tread that denoted the approach of Huq the Rupa...

The USA's captain for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup hits a server with his crozier.

With their sacking of Fr Weinandy, for the offence of being confused by Pope Francis and scandalized by his bishops (isn't everyone?), the USCCB made it clear that they were expecting to field a strong team for the "Silliest Cardinal" World Cup.

Captain of a team that includes Farrell, Tobin, Wuerl and Dolan, Cardinal Blase expects his boys to meet some tough opponents, such as Rhino Marx's Germans, the Belgians, the Italians, and the Maltese. "But we'll show them that we can distort Catholic teaching with the best of them!" said the cardinal defiantly.

Let's consign Simon Jenkins to history.

The churches, the British Legion, and in fact most decent people, have decided that now is the time to consign to history "Sir" Simon Jenkins, writer of tedious and badly wrong Guardian articles.

"Sir Simon was essentially a 20th century phenomenon," said one commentator. "His views never did make much sense, but now that he apparently believes that we should drop Remembrance Day, it is really time to send him off to the Dunrantin Retirement Home for Potty Journalists."

Sir Simon today was unrepentant. "Since we have had no wars anywhere in the world since 1945 - well I haven't seen any in my agreeable mansions, apart from when my first wife left - it is clear that there is nothing to remember any longer. As I always say on November 11th 'Let me forget!'"

Sorry, Salman, the game's up. Go and read a good book instead.

Next, the third Global Atheist Convention, planned for Melbourne in 2018, has been cancelled for lack of interest. It looked like being a real humdinger of an event with Salman Rushdie (gosh, is he still alive?) talking about the book he wants to sell, and Richard Dawkins (yes, we know he's alive) talking about, er, the book he wants to sell. And with everyone trying to avoid mentioning God.

When the news was broken to Professor Dawkins, he said "It's all over with atheism. And I was hoping to stock up on duty-free honey. But Bin Laden has won."

And finally, the CofE approves of little girls pretending to be boys.

Sex-selective murder is not prohibited

In the UK, we have traditionally taken a dim view of murder. Of course, the law has always recognised exceptions: when the killer's life is in danger, or someone else's, then killing may be allowed (the self-defence plea). Moreover, murder on health grounds - assisted suicide - is not usually prosecuted as it would not be "in the public interest". You're not interested in the fact that old Mrs Goggins was bumped off, are you? Well, you've no right to be.

"I don't need any assistance, thank you very much."

Still, things have drifted slightly since the 1960s, and it became necessary to clarify whether one was allowed to bump someone off on the basis of their gender (sex). Having Auntie Moly around the house all day long drinking gin is such a nuisance, and I would have preferred an uncle, with whom I would have had more in common. He would probably have helped with the garden too. Auntie Moly's presence is damaging my health, indeed you might exaggerate 100 times and say that my life is in danger. So I can murder her, right?

WRONG. The law forbids this. Or does it?

"Legislation isn't needed," says Yvette Cooper.

Yvette Cooper ("the only woman with Balls" as a rude joke has it) thinks that legislation to clarify this matter would be a bad idea. As explained by Tim Stanley, the arguments against making sex-selective murder illegal are:

0. It's already illegal, but we mustn't say so, as that will stop 
people from doing it.
1. Using the word "murder" isn't in the spirit of anti-murder 
legislation.
2. There are faults specific to each sex, e.g. men are lazy and women 
are garrulous (or vice-versa) and so, er, this is a bad idea.
3. Stopping murders may cause people to murder, in frustration at not 
being allowed to murder.
4. It stigmatises the "murdering community".

Jack the Ripper. Chose his victims by gender, but don't stigmatise him!

So, no change there, then. Murder remains mostly illegal, even though everyone's doing it. Murder on the basis of the victim's sex is also illegal, but we mustn't say so. And in fact, the law will probably turn a blind eye if you try it. British justice - the finest in the world!

Dawkins explains moral philosophy

This blog has often expressed the opinion that Richard Dawkins is barking mad. On the other hand, we do not think he is as barking mad as Anjem Choudary, the Muslim activist who looks forward to the day when the flag of Islam is hoisted high over the Knesset, the White House, Downing Street and the Kremlin. So that's all right then.

"Being made into soup by cannibals is bad, but it's worse if they forget the salt and pepper."

Professor Dawkins recently managed to offend a number of people with a succession of tactless tweets, of which this is an example:

Learn to think the Dawkins way.

E: Richard, how nice of you to drop into this blog. Well, not nice, really; pretty horrible in fact. But not as bad as having my toenails pulled out. Is it worth pointing out to you that sometimes making gratuitous comparisons is silly and unnecessary, and that it can often be offensive?

Molesworth compares mumps and measles. This is not an endorsement of mumps.

R: But Eccles, this is LOGIC. You just haven't learnt how to THINK, boy!

E: Could you give us another example of your amazing insights, Richard?

"Jack the Ripper wasn't as bad as Hitler."

E: Good point, Richard. Er, is that supposed to be an endorsement of Jack the Ripper, then?

At this point Professor Dawkins lost his temper and stabbed Bruvver Eccles to death.

Reader's voice: That's pretty bad, but thank goodness he didn't cut him up and eat him!

Having your head cut off is bad, but worse if you forgot to put the cat out first!

The Gay Murder Debate

From the blog of Father Z, author of "I'm a St Mark's Man" and "Cannon Law Made Simple".

Say the black, do the red, and eat the orange.

Should homosexuals be allowed to commit murders, when such conduct is forbidden to heterosexuals? Sometimes their crimes don't get any publicity, do they? Try Googling "Jack the Ripper", a notorious heterosexual murderer, and you´ll find there are millions of hits. But try Googling "Htarfogh Jukjlpop", a "gay" murderer from Latvia, and you'll find hardly any mention of his crimes!

At the end of Mass last Sunday, I heard two of the congregation - probably homosexual - talking. "Fancy a takeaway?" said one. "I could murder a Chinese or an Indian," said the other. "Or how about something Italian? A pastor maybe?" [This bit goes in black bold square brackets because it's where I needed a lie down.] Everyone talks about Custer's last stand against the Native American Indians, but do they mention gay Catholics attacking pastors? [Now would be a good time to scratch your ear if you feel like it - remember, say the black and do the red!]

General Custer - persecuted for not being "gay".

Remember St Paul's letter to the Roman Catholics? "It has come to my attention that some of my brethren have been indulging in unnatural sexual practices and sometimes murder. Be sure that the Lord doth not approve. By the way I am sending you a parcel of Mystic Monk coffee, as an aid to digestion and virtue."

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From the blog of Damian Thompson, once described as a "custard-crazed ferret".

Damian Thompson.

Father Z's blog shows the most disgusting nasty vile disgraceful homophobia that I have seen since Brother Eccles mocked the late Soho Masses on his own blog. May I point out that on the Telegraph blogs we have 200 gay bloggers, and I do not know of any who are murderers! Also, I think you'll find that it was General Custard, and not Custer, who was such an enemy of the Indians.

A close personal contact in Rome, Signora Odone, who cleans the papal washrooms, has kept her ear to the ground, and she assures me that Catholic teaching on the rights of homosexuals to commit murder is sure to evolve.

Father Z's ranting reminds me of the worst excesses of Adolf Hitler. Which is a cue for an amusing story: when Hitler heard of the defeat at Stalingrad, he went mad and started biting the carpet. But, his staff told us, "He always made sure that he had plenty of custard on it!"

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A deacon writes.

Eccles is getting at me again, I see, from the references to Hitler, above. Call me the Deacon from Hell, mock me all you want, but spare my family, and above all spare my pet goldfish, Adolf.

Adolf, a goldfish in good standing.

After a campaign of stalking and harassment some brilliant detective work, I am finally ready to reveal the true identity of Eccles! It is a town somewhere to the south-west of Manchester. And he thought he could keep this a secret!

Bosco finds an asylum

After my bruvver Bosco organized a Pusey riot in de Orfodox church at Wallsingham, de cops was onto him, and he had to flee de town quickly. "I needs an asylum," he said, which is somefink Anti Moly has been sayin about him for years.

We ended up in a small town called Blakeney, where we saw a building wiv a big sign outside it. Anti Moly told us it meant dat it was a Tibetan monasstery.

A mysterious sign

She told us once again how when she was a little girl she went to Tibet and met de Dolly Llama, who gave her lotsa gin. So we went into de building.

A very nice man came to greet us. "Buenos Dias, Señors and Señora, my name is Juliano Assangua. Would you like to buy a llama?" he said. "Or we have a fine range of Ecuadorian products and souvenirs."

Juliano Assangua, a simple Ecuadorian shopkeeper

At this point Anti Moly, who had been knocking back de gin, made a dellicate request. "Could I use your toilet?" she said. "I need a quickie leak."

"Wikileaks? I deny it completely," said Juliano hastily. "I am a humble Ecuadorian shopkeeper, and not in the least a fugitive from justice."

Well, when dese missunderstandings were all sorted out, Señor Assangua agreed to let my bruvver Bosco hide in his shop for a few days. We left them watching a fascinating televisoin programme, in which de famuous Muslim polliticain George Gallifrey was discussin de crimes of Jack de Ripper and explainin dat dey was simply "bad sexaul etiquette."

"Hello, hello, hello! It's another case of bad sexual etiquette!"

So for de moment we is returnin to London, where no doubt furver spiritaul opportunities awaits us.

Internet addiction and Monsignor Ban O'ffee

By Damian Thompson (no photo available)

What the Internet can do to you - an addict in January and July 2012

One of the problems we have at the Telegraph is an addiction to the Internet. As can be seen from the pictures above, in the space of a few months it can turn a glamorous young woman into a raddled old harridan whose natural home would be the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's. Luckily, I have found a solution: by writing dozens of tedious blogs about addiction I have managed to cut the readership of my own blog down to a handful of die-hards. A few more well-placed insults should soon get rid of them as well.

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Mgr Ban O'ffee

Those who think that Paul Inwood's contribution to the musical and liturgical life of the Portsmouth diocese should be classed with Jack the Ripper's contribution to the night life of London are pleased that an arch-traditionalist, Monsignor Ban O'ffee, has been appointed as the new bishop. Mgr O'ffee is expected to ban all celebrations of the Mass in English, which he regards as a barbarous modern tongue.

Paul Inwood's own songs, of which the most famous are those deeply spiritual works:

The God on the bus goes round and round, all day long,

Pontius Pilate sat on a wall, Pontius Pilate had a great fall, and

Bread-of-life Bread-of-life Jesus, man, bake me some bread as fast as You can,

will certainly not be wasted, as they will be recycled as episcopal toilet-paper.

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Please buy this book, so that I can feed my addiction to CDs

Damian Thompson (under the pseudonym Sophie McKenzie) has written The Fix, a thrilling crime story. A stranger offers Damian cash to fix a football match. Will he do the right thing? This is a gripping football thriller, particularly suitable for struggling, reluctant and dyslexic teen readers (e.g. people who post on his blog under pseudonyms such as "phil_evans," "Markus River" and "Sanctimony").

De confesions of Bosco

I is pleased to see dat my dere bruvver Bosco has passed a good nihgt despite bein concused by Grate-Anti Moly's lapptop. She aint takin de blame, of course. In fact she have found a blogg postin dat Bosco made in 1996 sayin dat Austrialans cant be saved because Jesus would be upside-down if he went dere. She is usin dis as eviddence dat he atacked her first. Still, de finggers of supsicion are bein pointed at her, and she may decide to go away soon, especially as she has drunk all our gin.

Bosco sure was restless overnihgt as he kept talkin in his sleep. "I is a grate sinner," he said. "I confesses. It was me wot did 9/11 single-handed. I also stole all de gold in Fort Nkox and replaced it wiv chocolate wrapped in gold foil. I set fire to Rowwan Williams's beard. I filled Eccles's boots wiv treackle. I pinched Damain Thopmson's touppee when he came to visit. I covetted my neihgbour's servin-girl, except dat she slapped my face and said 'Stop covettin me, you pig'. Mea culppa, mea maximma culppa (dat's Lattin, it means 'It's a fair cop, I dunnit all rihgt, officer', and Cathlics says dat a lot). I got demons tormentin my sole, and I reppents."

I dont believe most of dem confesions of Bosco's although it is true dat my boots is a bit sticky, and dis creature what I thought was Bosco's pet hamster reely aint very lively. Here she is.

Grate-Anti Moly has gone out now, she says dat Bosco is drivin her mad wiv his confesions, and still dey go on. He says he is repsonsible for the Irish Potatto Fammine cos he got hunggry and ate all de potattoes. He is worried dat de police is gonna find out dat he is reely Jack de Ripper. Now he says dat it was him wot burnt de cakes and not King Alfred. Also he murderred Hamlet's father, and pinned de blame on Claudeus.

All rihgt Bosco darlin bruvver I will nuss you back to health, so dat you can go back to writtin your blogg and bein saved. Also Father Eel de Nutters of de Cathlic Emrggency Confesion Task Force have said dat you can stop confesin now, just say 200 Heil Marrys and you is forgivven. Den you can go back to bein a sinner as usaul.

Well I doesnt want to disturb Bosco in his fraggile state of health, but we has to be on de alertt for iddolatry, and here is somefink dat I saw on de TV, it was probbaly a religgious program. He's an uggly lookin saint aint he?