Join the Big Brothers of the Rich!

Dear Uncle Eccles,

I was fascinated to hear the news about the Little Sisters of the Poor, and their battle against President Obama's "Abortercare" legislation. So I applied to join. However, my application was rejected on several counts:

(a) I am too tall to be "little".
(b) I am too male to be a sister.
(c) I am too rich to be "of the poor".

Can you advise me, please?

Bruce Caitlyn Jenner.

Two little sisters (well, one is medium-sized).

This is one of many letters I have received from oversized men who are interested in getting rich. Many of them don't worry too much about President Obama's total lack of a conscience, his bizarre fondness for killing babies, his weird idea that two people of the same sex - er, "gender" - can get married, or his eagerness to let the boys invade the girls' toilets. So perhaps the Little Sisters of the Poor is not for them.

Fortunately, we now have available a new religious order, the Big Brothers of the Rich. Standing for everything that the Little Sisters detest, their Abbot is no less than Mr Obama himself (Fr Joe Biden, winner of the Laetare medal from Notre Dame, is of course too devout a Catholic to be associated with the BBR, even though he has the same high moral standards as Abbot Obama).

Big Brother (Abbot Obama) is watching you!

To sign up, all you need to do is take a vow of wealth, and swear allegiance to Big Brother. Thus, we believe that this fills a much-needed gap in the range of religious orders available. And don't worry, you won't be having any embarrassing encounters with the Little Sisters in the After-life. Members of the BBR will be going to quite a different destination!

Eccles registers with the Ministry of Truth

Under Home Office plans, Imams, priests, rabbis and other religious figures will have to enrol in a "national register of faith leaders" and undergo vetting.

Well, naturally Brother Eccles could not expect to stay under the radar for long, and I received the following letter from the Ministry of Truth.

The Ministry of Truth investigates a religious blogger.

Dear Brother Eccles,

We understand that you are the author of a spiritually nourishing blog that is read worldwide by as many as six people. This means that you must register as a "faith leader" and subject yourself to regular training and inspection. Our inspector, Brother O'Brien, will be knocking on your door at 4 a.m. to take you to a cell, where we shall address the many problems with your blog that have come to our notice. These include:

1. Derogatory remarks about David Cameron, his fondness for visiting fish markets, his unwillingness to address the problems of Islamic extremism, and his rush to implement same-sex marriage legislation.

Big Brother shows his appreciation of fish.

2. Too many unfunny jokes, or at least jokes that our civil servants in the Ministry of Truth need to have explained to them.

3. Critical comments about registered "national treasures" such as Elton John, Gerry Adams, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry and Dr Giles Fraser of the BBC.

A penguin national treasure trying to think of something silly to say.

4. A general religious attitude in your blog, as seen in the fact that you use prohibited words such as "sin", "evil", "adultery", "murder" (in the context of abortion), and "God".

5. A tendency to mock senior international figures such as Barack Obama, François Hollande, Jihad John, Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Un; if one of these were to read your blog it might cause a major diplomatic incident.

I warn you now that if you do not change the tone of your blog, then you will probably have to be burnt at the stake.

Little Uncle pp. Big Brother.

Luckily all is not lost, and support has come from an unexpected direction.

Michael Voris eats some Eccles cakes in solidarity with your blogger.