2024

With apologies to George Orwell.

Winston Smith's route to Mass took him past the People's Aborturama. Here, citizens were encouraged to punish their unwanted children with painful execution, so that their organic components could be recycled for the good of the state. Seeing officers of PrayPol, the Prayer Police, standing nearby, Winston hastily put his hands in his pockets and arranged his features into a large smile. That way, nobody would accuse him of praycrime.

A scene of explicit praycrime.

Naturally, Big Brother had no objection to the use of prayers, provided that they were taken from the Synod 2021-2045 Handbook. This had been compiled by the late Citizen Ivereigh of the Ministry of Religion on the instructions of Pope Francis the Godly, whose remarkable brain was now operating for eternity thanks to the miracles of science.

The Pope (aged 148) continues his work.

State-approved prayers were mostly addressed to Pachamama, the People's goddess, and involved repentance for environmental wrongs, such as plasticstrawsinning or candlecrime. Unauthorized prayers outside the People's Aborturama, the Youthinasia retirement home, or DragonQueen, the children's gender reassignment playground, were of course severe examples of praycrime, and the offender was liable to compulsory re-education.

A doubleplusungood example of praycrime.

Re-education mostly consisted of the guilty citizen being imprisoned in the Greta Thunberg Education Facility (formerly Oxford University), where the offender was forced to listen to endless lectures on Critical Race Theory, Gender Theory and of course Climate Change (scientists had recently revised their estimates, revealing that the World would be consumed by fire no later than 2090).

Winston arrived on time at the Pachamama Cathedral Mosque. Mass would start with a two-minute Hate of White People, who, it had been established by the Big Sister of Oceania (formerly President Meghan of the United States), were responsible for all the evils of the world...

To be continued? I hope not. Just read the newspapers if you want more.

AOC is the future of the Catholic Church

In a brilliant piece of writing, it has been revealed that Alexandria Occasional-Cortex (the woman with the part-time brain), alias AOC, is the future of the Catholic Church. Many readers (my aunt and my cat) have asked me to explain this in more detail for those who find the original article by Comrade Heidi Schlumpf too difficult to digest.

Comrade AOC, or "Big Sister" as she wishes to be known.

With the backing of Pope Francis, whose political views are very similar, and his likely successor Cardinal Cupich, AOC proposes to reform the Catholic Church in her own image.

Out goes the Pontifical Academy for Life, which was never very active anyway, and in comes the Pontifical Academy for Death, confirming once and for all that pro-life issues are no longer worth taking seriously. After all, as Fr James Martin LGBTSJ believes, you cannot be pro-life if you don't believe in gay marriage; or as St Greta of Thunderbird puts it, how DARE you try and save people's lives when the world is literally burning away into ashes. (How many polar bears have YOU seen today? Well, that proves it.) That great statesman and pious Catholic, Joe Biden, backs the Pontifical Academy for Death all the way.

Your new-look Vatican (St Lubyanka's Square)

So it's time to remodel the Vatican on socialist principles. The CDF will be closed down and replaced by the KGB (the Kongregation for Good Belief), which will punish all those who criticise our supreme leader Francis or the blessed Alexandria. Cells are already being built for Viganò, Schneider, Burke, Brandmüller, Zen, Sarah, Festing, and other dissidents, and these people will not be released until they have undergone a sacrament known as Cerebellum Mundabitur (washing of the brain); they will then sign a letter saying that they love Big Brother (the new more comradely title for the Holy Father).

Just what I've always wanted!

All churches will be closed down, and our subsidiary organization, BLM-Antifa-Extinction, or Soros-Gates Enterprises for short, will be responsible for setting fire to them. Catholic worship will be conducted by means of a two-way telescreen in every Catholic's house, which will check that all Catholic worship is compliant with socialist doctrine.

Every day the liturgy will include a two-minute hate, although the object of the hatred will change daily. Some times it will be the hated Trump, but it may also be the hated far-right Johnson, the hated Orbán, the hated Salvini, or whoever else our chief theological adviser (Comrade Massimo Faggioli) deems suitable for attack.

Finally, the Catholic Church's major shareholder, the Chinese People's Catholic Church, will be contributing ideas for the best way to control rebel Catholics - locking them in a dungeon and feeding them on bat soup is just one new idea that is being explored.

Comrade Schlumpf is right: the future of the Catholic Church is definitely Occasional-Cortex!

Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.

• All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
• Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
• No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
• No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
• Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.

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Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.

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Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

Eccles registers with the Ministry of Truth

Under Home Office plans, Imams, priests, rabbis and other religious figures will have to enrol in a "national register of faith leaders" and undergo vetting.

Well, naturally Brother Eccles could not expect to stay under the radar for long, and I received the following letter from the Ministry of Truth.

The Ministry of Truth investigates a religious blogger.

Dear Brother Eccles,

We understand that you are the author of a spiritually nourishing blog that is read worldwide by as many as six people. This means that you must register as a "faith leader" and subject yourself to regular training and inspection. Our inspector, Brother O'Brien, will be knocking on your door at 4 a.m. to take you to a cell, where we shall address the many problems with your blog that have come to our notice. These include:

1. Derogatory remarks about David Cameron, his fondness for visiting fish markets, his unwillingness to address the problems of Islamic extremism, and his rush to implement same-sex marriage legislation.

Big Brother shows his appreciation of fish.

2. Too many unfunny jokes, or at least jokes that our civil servants in the Ministry of Truth need to have explained to them.

3. Critical comments about registered "national treasures" such as Elton John, Gerry Adams, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry and Dr Giles Fraser of the BBC.

A penguin national treasure trying to think of something silly to say.

4. A general religious attitude in your blog, as seen in the fact that you use prohibited words such as "sin", "evil", "adultery", "murder" (in the context of abortion), and "God".

5. A tendency to mock senior international figures such as Barack Obama, François Hollande, Jihad John, Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Un; if one of these were to read your blog it might cause a major diplomatic incident.

I warn you now that if you do not change the tone of your blog, then you will probably have to be burnt at the stake.

Little Uncle pp. Big Brother.

Luckily all is not lost, and support has come from an unexpected direction.

Michael Voris eats some Eccles cakes in solidarity with your blogger.

George Orwell's "2014"

It was a cold November 2nd, and in England the Catholic Church was celebrating All Saints Day. For by orders of Comrade Nichols of the Ministry of Truth, all holy days had been moved from their correct dates, as part of a general break with that evil thing known as "tradition".

Winston Smith looked outside, and saw a poster bearing the portrait of an old man in white robes. BIG FATHER IS WATCHING YOU, the caption beneath it ran. Big Father, the man who had seized power eighteen months ago, driving into exile President Benedict the good. Big Father, who kept an iron grip on the Church.

BIG FATHER IS WATCHING YOU.

On another poster were written the slogans produced by Big Father's right-hand man, Comrade Kasper.

SIN IS VIRTUE
JUDGEMENT IS IGNORANCE
CHANGE IS STABILITY
IMMACULATENESS IS FILTH

Winston Smith checked his watch and turned back to his television set, which could never be switched off. It was now broadcasting endless programmes of puppet masses and tango dancing from St Peter's, Rome. The Mass had reached the point where the comrade deacon was instructed to announce the Two Minutes Hate.

Comrade Burke, Enemy of the People.

As usual, the face of Raymond Burke, the Enemy of the People, flashed on to the screen. Comrade Burke had once been one of Big Father's most loyal supporters, but had now disappeared from public life. Some said that he was already dead, smothered in his own cappa maxima, while others claimed that he had merely been exiled to the barren wastes of Malta. On the screen, Smith saw crowds of Catholics screaming words of hatred for Burke, the enemy of the people. "AIRPORT BISHOP!" they yelled. "SELF-ABSORBED PROMETHEAN NEO-PELAGIAN!" "BAT-LIKE CHRISTIAN!"

A bat-like Christian in traditional Cappa Maxima.

The two-minute hate being over, the Mass continued on its way, with the usual liturgically-approved procession of clowns towards the altar. Winston turned his head away from the screen, and opened his copy of the State Newspaper, the Tablet. "Arrange the following virtues of Big Father in order of importance, then complete the following sentence in not more than ten words. I love Big Father because... First prize: a two-week holiday on Tina Beattie's luxury houseboat, the Tinatanic." Theological debate was not what it used to be.

The Tinatanic.

There was a hammering on the door. Was it a gang of ACTA thugs, demanding "dialogue"? Or had the thought police discovered that Winston possessed a copy of the suppressed Catholic Herald? Should he have been expecting the Spanish Inquisition...?