Good Samaritan arrested for looting

A correction.

Our star reporter Lambchop breaks the news.

We are grateful to Pope Francis, the celebrated climatologist, left-wing political agitator and part-time Catholic, for correcting the account in St Luke of the activities of the Good Samaritan ("Sam" to his friends). It seems that this well-known parable did not turn out exactly as reported by St Luke, and - like the Beatitudes, the Lord's Prayer and other Biblical errors - it required updating. Count your blessings that this was done by papal decree, and not another synod!

It seems that, after delivering the mugging victim to the inn, and binding up his wounds, Sam reacted in the only proper way. He embarked on a campaign of violence, setting fire to buildings, attacking random people who had nothing to do with the muggers, looting shoe shops (medieval paintings often show the Good Samaritan dressed in a pair of brand new Adidas trainers), and generally harassing anyone who got in his way.

"My mates and I will get them for this. And anyone else within 50 miles."

Other prominent figures from Jesus's parables also turn out to have led complicated lives. The man with the lost sheep, having found the poor animal, then went round to his neighbour's farms and set fire to their barns. The prodigal son, offered some fatted calf by his long-suffering father, accused him of letting his animals cause climate change, with the immortal words "You have stolen my childhood and your dreams."

Lazarus, in Abraham's bosom, mocked Dives as a "self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagian." The sower who was sowing seed, once he had finally worked out where the good soil was, ripped it up and threw it in the face of passers-by as a way of showing that he was a true custodian of tradition. Then he screamed at them because they were cross with him.

We are looking forward to Pope Francis's new encyclical Parabolae Perditae or Parables Lost, which will correct and re-interpret all the Biblical parables.

Death of a Saint

Once in a while someone dies who is instantly recognised as a saintly being by our spiritual leaders. A few months ago it was George Floyd, the violent drug-crazed robber. His virtues were recognised by Fr James Martin, who instantly awarded him a place in Heaven.

Well, I've tried praying to St George the Floyd in Heaven, but I keep getting the "number unobtainable" message. So maybe I am not spiritual enough to appreciate his saintliness.

Then, a day or two ago, we said farewell to top lawyer Ruth Bader Ginsburg, without whom many kids now dead through abortion might have been given a chance to live. Now, there are lots of good reasons why I should not comment adversely on the dear departed.

1. De mortuis nil nisi bonum, attributed to Chilon of Sparta (600 BC), although he said it in Greek. This rather limits what we can say about anyone in history. Judas Iscariot knew how to make a quick buck (=30 pieces of silver), Henry VIII was a great musician, Hitler a promising painter. Ruth hardly ever tortured kittens.
2. Judge not that ye be not judged. Awkward this one, as dear Ruth made a living out of judging people. Anyway, we can comment on her activities without judging her.

Chilon of Sparta - I have nothing but good to say of him.

Now, a lot of people have decided to go for the "Praise Ruth" option. Governor Mike Huckabee, who is an amusing Southern Baptist, and so slightly saved, and whose most irritating habit is to torment people with his electric bass guitar, goes for the "respectful memory" option - but then Baptists don't canonize people - reflecting on her friendship with the late Justice Scalia.

But it is impossible to know the ultimate destination of La Ginsburg until Fr Jim has pronounced. Since she was a Democrat, we know he will support her, as pro-life issues must always come second to party loyalty - except when Republicans do it, eh, Jim?

"May her memory be a blessing."

Apparently dear Ruth was also described a "champion of LGBTQ rights on the bench". There we must draw the line, since if the LGBTQ people wish to exercise their rights, a bed is surely far more appropriate than a park bench. But what do I know?

Anyway, that's enough spiritual nourishment for now. RIP, Ruth, and RIP all the unborn kids being torn to pieces before they have a chance to grow up and become lawyers.

Three news items

The Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have produced their guidelines for the Celebration of Mass, once this becomes possible again on July 4th. Since going to Mass is obviously far more dangerous than going to the pub, tearing down statues, or going to the cinema, the dear bishops have produced their own guidelines, which are much stricter than the Government's recommendations.

• All worshippers must wear brand new clothes, which are to be burned once the Mass is ended.
• Each person must carry a 5-litre drum of hand sanitizer, and wear a mask impregnated with plutonium, to kill viruses.
• No speaking is allowed: all lips must be sewn shut with steel wire.
• No kneeling. Holy Communion to be dipped in nitric acid before being offered to the faithful, who must receive on the hands while wearing rubber gloves.
• Priests to wear either space suits or diving suits, whichever is preferred.

Fr M and his Extraordinary Minister are ready for Mass.

Now, that's what you need to wear to avoid the virus. Another set of regulations will be introduced to help you avoid bad doctrine and liturgical abuses. Blindfolds and earplugs may be a good start.

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Meanwhile, over at the Church of England, Archbishop Justin Welby has commented on statues at religious sites. "Some will have to come down. Some names will have to change," he said. Of course, the C of E has been tearing down statues since the 16th century, so this should come as no surprise. However, changing their names is a new venture, which shows that he has been reading 1984 very carefully.

This statue is to be renamed "George Floyd".

Of course, Welby's motives for tearing down statues is that the person honoured may not be acceptable to modern woke Guardian-reading BLM-supporting worshippers, or even non-worshippers. Sometimes, however, there are good reasons for tearing down statues, such as the abomination below, so who are we to judge?

A parody of the Virgin Mary, seen in Ely Cathedral.

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Finally, over in California, there have been a few objections after the statue of St Junipero Serra was pulled down. The bishops do not seem to be greatly bothered by this, and would prefer to leave the issue to people who actually believe in Catholicism. So, we have hired a handy-looking chap called Bob to help protect the statues. Apparently, he used to work for a book-burning company called Word on Fire.

Bob's not very bright, but he's very muscular.

The Book of Covidicus - Chapter 5 - No BALM in Gilead

Continued from Chapter 4.

1. Now there was dwelling in the land of Bri-tain a man named Dominus Vobis Cummings, who was an adviser to Bo-sis.

2. And the wife of Dominus fell sick of the plague, and knew not what to do.

3. So Dominus took his wife and child, and they rode to the northern land of Durham, where dwelt the parents of Dominus.

4. And later, when they were healed, they went to the mighty castle of Barnard to test whether the eyesight of Dominus was good enough for them to ride home.

5. And to his great joy Dominus could see the castle of Barnard; so he returned home.

If thou canst see a castle, then thou art healed.

6. And many people were exceedingly wrathful, for they said, "Surely, Dominus and his wife should have cast their child into the street, then lain down in their house to die? Is that not the advice that Bo-sis hath given unto us?"

7. And for forty days and forty nights their anger did not abate, for it was nurtured by the dwellers on the Beebee sea, the sky, the fourth channel, and elsewhere.

8. Then even the bishops called on Dominus to repent, but he heeded them not.

9. So for seven days the priests of the Beebee Sea marched round the walls of his dwelling, sounding seven trumpets.

10. And with all the people making a shout, and the trumpets sounding, the voice and the sound thundered in the ears of the multitude, yet the walls did not fall down.

Outside the walls of Dominus.

11. But then came an event in a distant land which made all that heard of it forget the plague and the possible sins of Dominus.

12. For there was a man called Floyd, a notorious bandit, who had been slain while being held for his crimes.

13. He was black but comely, and the Antifites were exceeding wrathful, yeah, even in the land of Bri-tain.

14. For they said, "Was there no balm in Gilead, was there no physician there?" and so they called themselves BALM.

The prophet Iver-iah foretelleth a balming campaign.

15. The men of BALM spake out, saying, "Let us destroy the altars, and break the statues, and cut down the groves, and burn the graven things."

16. Thus they waged war on the statues of notorious slave-owners, such as Winston of the Hill of the Church, Venus of Milo, Pachamama, and Ozymandias, king of kings.

Possibly a notorious slave-owner.

17. And the warriors of BALM said, "We may not strike the officers of the guard, since we cannot do this while remaining distant by four cubits."

18. "Accordingly, we shall throw missiles at them, and thus no man can say we broke the law of the land."

19. Thus they continued to wage war on the statues, the monuments, and indeed the people.

A statue fighteth back.

Continued in Chapter 6.

Emperor Nero, pray for us

Rome, 68 AD.

St James Martin (James the least of all), a very well known disciple with many followers, today offended Christians by maintaining that the late Emperor Nero was in Heaven, and should be asked to pray for everyone.

Nero was a man of many talents.

St James moaned: "We killed him. WE ARE ALL GUILTY. Nero* lives matter!"

* Italian for "black". Neat, eh?

The Emperor Nero was of course a very good Catholic, having spoken at length with both St Peter and St Paul before having them both executed. In a later era he would definitely have supported the Jesuits, and it is not surprising that St James believes he went straight to Heaven. Nero's sex life is said to have been a little complicated, but he was known as a prominent member of the LGBTSJ community, and a great fan of St James's Epistle to the Newyorkians, "Building a bridge".

St Linus, the current pope, is said to be less enthusiastic about Nero, regarding his burning of Rome as a serious cause of climate change, but it is generally accepted that St James, no matter how heretical, lewd, or plain bonkers his views may be, is beyond criticism.

Lookalike.

"You know, Judas Iscariot is probably in Heaven too..." continued St James before being led off to a luxuriously padded cell.