Catholic books you should read

Some great books that I have read recently.

Silence is a wonderful thing, and brings us more in touch with God. How often have you sat in an aeroplane, and some chap in white has stood up and harangued the passengers with his latest "developments" of Catholic doctrine? Couldn't he have sat in silence instead?

One evening I was peacefully meditating and praying, when the telephone rang. "I've decided to issue a Correction of your comments on Mass translations! Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I've got you! You'll be Pope over my dead body!"

"Yes, I expect so, Holy Father," I replied. "That's how things usually work."

Indeed, Silence from some quarters would indeed be a good thing, although perhaps some Yes/No answers to certain questions could be arranged first?

Meanwhile, I decided to remain silent about the German bishops' proposals to translate the words "Pro Multis" in the Latin Missal as "For everyone who pays their church tax".

I first met Jorge Bergoglio when he was a humble priest in Argentina. I was then writing my thesis on "The lives of Argentine popes": in the end I handed in a hundred blank pages, as there had not been any such popes. "Dr Ivereigh's thesis is the best thing he's ever done," said one critic, "and definitely the last word on the subject."

Little did we know that the man I knew as "Jorge the Reformer" - he knew me as "Ronnie Corbett" for reasons I've never discovered - would one day become the inspiration for a new Reformation! Or that I would rise even higher!

Renowned theologian Massimo Faggioli, 47, heir to the Faggioli Baked Bean Company of Philadelphia - motto "Our beans are filled with the Spirit of Vatican II" - recipient of honorary degrees from the university of Antarctica, Ruritania Technical College, and the St Trinian's Academy for young ladies - strode through the corridors of Doctrinanova University.

Thinking furiously with his brain, he asked himself, "Why is that all Catholic doctrine before the year 2013 was wrong? Could the mistake be traced to a little-known carpenter's son in the 1st century? Which, as trained theologians such as I know, came just before the second century. And why does my ground-breaking research lead me to the conclusion that a sinister white-haired old German called 'Benedict' might be involved?"

In this book I want to encourage ordinary LGBT alt-Jesuits - roughly 25% of the world's population - to build bridges with a group of people who are commonly despised and insulted, with nicknames such as "left-footer", "mackerel-snapper" and "taig". Yes, the Catholic Community.

Ever since a Canaanite Women gave some advice to Jesus: "I think it would be a smart idea to found a Church, and put Mary Magdalene at the head of it" - advice which Our Lord followed to the letter - Catholics have started to "come out" and to be persecuted for their faith.

Whereas LGBT is rightly a major world religion, influencing the social policies of governments worldwide, Catholics have practised "the faith that dare not speak its name".

So I call on my LGBT brothers, sisters, transistors, and others, to SHOW MERCY.

Why I joined the Cult of Jim

"Phil", our guest Catholic, writes a special post for us.

I was very sad to read that one Felix Thompson had abandoned the cult of Jim, by which he means that he no longer regards Father James Martin SJ as the fount of all wisdom. Felix has thrown away his collection of "Jim" relics, including the rainbow socks, the autographed copy of "Mary Magdalene - the first Pope", and of course his reliquary containing hair and toenail clippings from the great man.

I can tell you what these secret signs mean, but then I'd have to kill you.

I, on the other hand, have moved in the opposite direction. I started off as an "ordinary" Catholic who just believes the obvious stuff that we get in church, then became successively a "cafeteria" Catholic, a "gelato" Catholic, a "Bologna Cathedral nosh-house" Catholic, and finally a "quite a lovely little New York bistro where they do Jesuit cupcakes" Catholic.

"No, we won't say grace!" Pope Francis and (?) Zinedine Zidane tuck in!

It was so refreshing to discover Fr Jim (as he lets me call him). Rigid Catholicism is hard to take seriously: what do you do if there is some obscure bit of doctrine you can't accept, like, for example, the sinfulness of adultery? Well, a rigid Catholic would probably leave the Church, but a modern Kasperite Catholic simply ignores such inconvenient teaching - and is probably rewarded by being made a cardinal, or at least a bishop!

Now, don't get me wrong. Although I'm a Jimmist, I'm not gay. I have tried to be, but I just couldn't summon up any interest. Fr Jim was very understanding, though. "I don't condemn you, just because you like girls," he said. ""Let me build a bridge towards you." What a hero! Of course I realise that being a "hetero" has made me an outcast in most circles, but Fr Jim is no bigot, and he is prepared to welcome me!

Fr Jim explained to me many things about Christianity that I had previously not understood. How Jesus originally didn't have a clue about why he was on Earth. How He met a wise Canaanite woman who taught Him everything He knew. Along with Mary Magdalene, the first Pope, she wrote the Sermon on the Mount for Him to preach.

"And now the person you've really come to hear - Mary Magdalene!"

I met the renowned novelist Dan Brown at one of the Cult of Jim meetings. "Pleased to meet you," he said. "Renowned balding 56-year-old Jesuit James Martin has been an inspiration for many of my novels that I wrote, as well as inspiring me when I was writing them. His theoretical theories on 2011-year-old superstar Mary Magdalene have provided the inspiring theories leading me to become a 53-year-old author who writes lots of books that sell well. And my renowned hero Robert Langdon is based on Jim's 47-year-old Italian-American-Australian-Martian friend Massimo Faggioli, who is a friend of the best-selling Jesuit priest." We all owe a lot to Fr Jim!

Another wonderful person that I met was the great comedian Stephen Colbert, who told me one of his trademark jokes about Donald Trump. "He's got funny hair, and shouts too much," he quipped, before explaining the details of some sexual torture that he wished to inflict on the President. What a brilliant sense of humour! Colbert is also a Catholic in the Cult of Jim, and in his latest sketch he calls Trump homophobic, rigid, literally Hitler, cancer, and (a new idea from Jim's friend Stephen Walford) Satanic! How we laughed.

Fr Jim introduced me to many top Catholics (although Fr Rosica headbutted me).

Hail Holy Jim Martin! He's the future of Catholicism, and Pope Francis thinks he's wonderful!

How to preach today's sermon

Following a spiritually nourishing blog post from Fr Tim Finigan, entitled How to listen to the sermon tomorrow, we propose a little help for your priest/ vicar/ pastor/ worship leader/ big cheese (this is an ecumenical post) in case he/ she/ xe/ brie (and a polygendered post) has to preach on the subject of the Wheat and the Tares (a.k.a. Darnel). One of the following templates is sure to work.

Trouble at Ambridge.

Brother Bosco of the Calumny Chapel: Brothers, we is Wheat and everyone else is Dranel! Altogether now, raise your arms in the air and shout: "You is not saved, only we is saved!" And especially the Cathlics with their Babylonian fish hats, their cannibalism, and their costume holy men, they is very unsaved! For those of us what knows Jesus personally, He says to us "Brother Bosco, you is Wheat, my son, and you has a golden crown waiting for you when you pops off to the Glassy Sea. While the Pope and his Cradinals is going to the Lake of Fire!" Hallelujah! And now, Hymn 94, "Oh what fun it is to be saved!"

You is not saved, only Bosco is saved.

Father Dan Brown SJ: Today's gospel about the wheat and the darnel is based on a parable written by Mary Magdalene, the wife of Jesus, and the first Pope, who wore a dalmatic and taught God all He knows. Its message is that we are the wheat, and those who disagree with us are the darnel, the haters, who don't know the first thing about discernment. By the way, have you got your copy of my new book "Bridge-it James's Diary", or "The Jesuit guide to sexual relationships"? You haven't? Then you too are a hater!

Renowned Jesuit Jacques Martin staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery.

Father Laudatosi: In the reading today, we see the perils of ignoring the environment. Somehow, genetically-modified seeds were mixed with the original organic low-fat gluten-free vegan-friendly non-carcinogenic unleaded wheat, and as a consequence the Earth will be destroyed by climate change! As Pope Francis has told us, there is only one solution - study the spiritual enneagram and practise your circle dancing!

Some non-alcoholic salt-free unisex circle dancing.

The Reverend Alfred Narcolepsy M.A.: Today my typewriter crashed, so at the last minute I borrowed some ideas from the nineteenth-century sermons of the Reverend Chedediah Somnifer M.A. Now, the parable of the wheat and tares is of great relevance to us in this age of uncertainty. With Napoleon having escaped from Elba, and heading for Paris, vowing to "make France great again", we may think of the French army as sowing destruction among us. Now, what would Jesus have done? I think He would have backed the Duke of Wellington to rip up the tares. However, we cannot be sure that He would have endorsed the Earl of Liverpool's pledge to return us to the gold standard! Cano in pluvia as every schoolboy knows!

"This looks like a good place to plant some tares!"

Bev the Rev: Hey! A funny thing happened to me on the way to the church. I was walking past a cornfield when I decided to dance in it, just as David danced before the Lord! But Farmer Giles shouted at me, "Oi! Get out of my cornfield, fatso!" Men are such sexists! I think that's the true meaning of the parable of the wheat and tares, don't you? And my glove-puppet thinks so too, don't you, Bottley?

Pope Francis, with a trusted adviser.

Fr Antonio Spiderman SJ: Stuff this for a lark! I hate you all.

Anonymous blogging

Some readers have questioned whether my name is really Eccles, and whether my brother is really called Bosco, or my great-aunt called Moly. Of course all this is perfectly true - why would I want to deceive you? However, I have been accused of cowardice for (allegedly) blogging and tweeting anonymously, especially as some of my posts have been misinterpreted as attacks on the vain, the proud, the self-important and the stupid - which are protected but scarcely endangered species.

Two anonymous bloggers discuss hermeneutics.

Still there is a long tradition of strivers for justice, honesty, truth, beauty, world peace, a sound digestion, good weather, ... where was I? Oh yes, a long tradition of doing such things anonymously. Sometimes it is enough to put on a pair of glasses and call yourself Clark Kent to become impenetrably disguised as a journalist. At the Catholic Herald they once tried something similar...

Mild-mannered Dr William Oddie, Damian Thompson and Ed West under cover.

What happens if you're not anonymous? Well, if you're a pro-life GP, be very afraid. Farewell to the Hippocratic oath, hello to Abortion. Your first words to a pregnant mother should be "Oh dear, I am so sorry. Shall I arrange a termination?" and not "Congratulations, you must be very pleased!" Be warned - we're coming for you, and your family, and your dog, and your cat, and your hamster, and... anyway, don't you dare fight abortion!

The Scarlet Pimpernel - another blogger with a secret identity.

Or you might be a professor in a politically-correct university (aren't they all?), who dares to oppose the Equality and Diversity party line - perhaps you think that, hey, homosexual sex is a bad thing...? Or that marriage is something to do with a man and a woman? Or that Islam is actually a false religion? Well, if you want to keep your job, or at least to avoid being mobbed by students with too much time on their hands, you'd better not say so!

The Lone Ranger, with patent Zuhlsdorf^TM heretic-smiter.

It was always thus. Saul of Tarsus, originally a big shot in the looking-after-coats-during-stonings business (and general smiting of Christians) was forced to blog under the pseudonym of Paul, especially when putting forward controversial notions about faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of them being love (or charity, if you prefer). He was still harassed by people who thought that the three virtues were diversity, political correctness and being green -- and the greatest of these is being green.

St Paul, arrested for not being green.

So be nice to our anonymous bloggers, and remember that some of the greatest people in history traded under a variety of aliases (or sockpuppets). One thinks of Our Lord, who managed to have numerous Oxbridge colleges named after Him, simply by using the aliases Christ, Corpus Christi, Emmanuel, Jesus, Trinity, ... and, if you believe Dan Brown, His wife's name Magdalen(e), too.

Brasenose (formerly Brazen Nose), not believed to be one of the names of God.

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!

An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!

An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!

Dan Brown's new translation of the Mass

Following on from a pathetic pastiche called The Da Mian Cod and the rather more ambitious Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown, by a deacon in good standing, it has been announced that Dan Brown, in conjunction with the Bitter Pill, has produced a new translation of the Mass, which Catholics are urged to adopt forthwith.

Literary giant Dan Brown attends the launch of his new Missal at the Vatican.

For the first time, we are able to release some excerpts from the new Creed, as translated by Dan Brown.

I believe in one divine God,
the paternal Father, almighty and known for being very competent,
reputed for making things, indeed He
made the celestial Heaven and terrestrial earth,
and all things visible and invisible, including things you can see 
and things you can't see. Plus a few things that you can
sometimes see but not always, like the Moon.

The invisible man - never mentioned in official Vatican documents.

...I believe in one Lord, the highly-esteemed Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Celebrity Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages - which includes the
Ice Age, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age.

The Ice Age: Robert Langdon discovered that this was a cold time.

... was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.
Also he married Mary Magdalene and had children, but they
keep this secret from you.

Mary Magdalene, a woman with a secret.

...He ascended into heaven, which is
a bit like going up in an elevator, 
only without the whirring sound,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father, 
which He keeps at the end of His right arm.

A rough idea of how the Ascension works.

The next step will be to translate this back into Latin for use at EF Masses.

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Meanwhile, Lord Falconer is to present a bill to the House of Lords this week: it would introduce a system allowing doctors to provide a fatal dose of drugs to patients judged to have less than six months to live.

Overweight, probably a bad health risk. Will he last 6 months?

It's generally considered by Christians that euthanasia is a bad idea (as indeed is suicide), and, looking around, we see many people who might be in danger of being "pushed off the edge."

Enda Kenny - could that problem with his mouth be fatal?

Many Irish, worried about the horrible things Enda Kenny's mouth keeps producing, are hoping to club together to send him to a clinic in Switzerland... or England... or indeed anywhere except Ireland.

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Finally, as a bit of light relief from the serious items above, we attended a service at the Church of the Holy Bubbles, and were pleased to see the dignity and holiness with which the Mass was celebrated.

The Elevation. "Take thee much soap" (Jeremiah 2:22, KJV).

Don't worry, this is not Pope Francis.

Pope Francis, as a former chemist, is of course extremely capable of synthesising bubbles whenever he wishes, although he has the wisdom to recognise that the Mass is not the most appropriate occasion for this.

Pope Francis sends a giant bubble in pursuit of a heretic.

The dark side of Catholic Voices

What is this sinister organization known only as Catholic Voices - is it linked to the Freemasons, Opus Dei, Mafia or the North Korean government? In a special guest post, Damian Thompson expresses his concerns.

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The Faceless Kathleen Griffin (official CV portrait).

Whenever the media wish to hear the views of a Catholic on one of the major religious issues of our day - for example, the election of Pope Francis, the government's attempts to redefine marriage, or whether coleslaw is so called because it resembles the inane witterings of the Rev. Richard Coles - you can be sure that Catholic Voices will worm its way onto the airwaves.

A sinister albino monk - is he the power behind Catholic Voices?

Oh, they wouldn't let me join, would they? They said I had a squeaky voice and couldn't be relied on not to storm out of the studio if challenged by Peter Hitchens. Wasn't it simply that they were scared that, if they taught me the funny handshake and the secret passwords, I could expose them to the world?

Austen "Ronnie Corbett" Ivereigh - told me to grow up.

Look at the people involved: Jack Valero (Opus Dei), Caroline Farrow (mother of 12, and bullying commentator on my blog), Peter Williams (Right to Life), ... well, the list speaks for itself. Then look at how they are funded - by donations from individuals and organizations. That's very mysterious, don't you think?

Robert Mugabe - a prominent Catholic. Does he donate to CV?

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Paul Priest, Archbishop of Corby, adds his own concerns.

Brilliant article, Damian! Have you noticed that many of the Catholic Voices people are converts? This means that, say ten years ago, they may have been atheists, Muslims, Satanic fire-worshippers... who knows what? Do we really want Satanic fire-worshippers speaking out for the Catholic church?

On the side of the angels...

What's more they promote the time-bomb of Vatican II-type liturgical/doctrinal/moral Vichyist revisionism. Trust me, I know an ontological paradigm shift when I see it - we were warned about them in the encyclicals of Pope Benedict XVI, which I've read from cover to cover, not to mention the complete works of Dan Brown.

Piero Marini presents Pope Benedict XVI with a liturgical/doctrinal/moral time-bomb.

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So there we have it. Be afraid... be very afraid. These faceless anonymous secretive people, who are never off your television screens, are clearly hiding something very sinister.

The Da Mian Cod, and others

An excerpt from Dante Brown's new novel Infernal Cheek:

Renowned blood-crazed 50-something Telegraph blog supremo Damian Thompson was standing energetically in Berlin's famous Louvre Museum, at the heart of Piccadilly Square, admiring Michael Angelus's 1504 marble sculpture "David," which portrays the Arabian King David on the point of biting into a cupcake.

David. Note the cupcake in his left hand.

"Cupcakes," thought Damian pensively, meditating in a contemplative fashion on the highly addictive edible foodstuff, whereupon which he had written so movingly in his book on addiction, The Fix, which he himself had written. And this reminded him, it was the day on which the aforementioned memoir on addiction was to be published in paperback (his contacts at the heart of the publishing world had told him that this would be something like a hardback, only with softer covers).

The Fix, in new Hide-de-Vomit^(TM) yellow covers..

Damian had not blogged on addiction recently. His protège (a Latin word meaning "dogsbody"), slightly-renowned 30-something leftie atheist blogger Tom Chivers, had been promoted from his key job of assistant deputy strategic events supremo, a position in which he had been mainly responsible for making the tea, and was now allowed to write the occasional Telegraph column in the Saturday "moron" slot. This in turn freed up more chronological time for Damian, in which he could blog about religious matters from a Catholic - and sometimes papist - viewpoint.

Or - and here Damian crossed himself religiously, making a cross symbol familiar to all Christians since Pope Pius XII - there was another possibility. He could use his blog to plug his terrible book again!

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Father Xylophone writes:

I had a great day today with a Texas military firing squad.

Father X joins the liturgical Firing Squad.

I was delighted when the Texas militia contacted me, saying that an army chaplain had been court-martialled and found guilty of three capital offences, namely, (i) being a liberal; (ii) reading the National Catholic Reporter (aka Fishwrap); and (iii) arguing with me on my blog. The penalty for these was execution by firing squad, and as a priest in good standing who understands the importance of a well-armed priesthood, I was delighted to assist. (Aim at the black cassock, and stain it red, as I always say.)

I had of course been practising my sharp-shooting beforehand, so as not to let the side down by missing the target: the colonel complimented us on the unerring way in which we exercised our liturgical duty, blasting the renegade priest to smithereens.

QUAERITUR: Should one aim for the head, or the heart? Generally, Cannon Law says that one should aim for the head from Advent to Easter, and otherwise aim for the heart.

Don't mess with Fr X, unless you want to end up like this.

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Ordain a Lassie!

A new video has been released by the campaign for the ordination of dogs, called Ordain a Lassie. We do not have space to discuss this in detail, but the campaign is based on the observation that in some churches dogs are already being allowed to act as altar-servers.

"Bark!" the Herald angels sing.