How to translate the Mass

The story so far: at the time of Vatican II, it was decided to rush out translations of the Mass into the vernacular. Not the true vernacular, as phrases such as "Cor, strike a light, guv", "Eee ba gum", and "Och aye the noo" were used very sparingly; but a sort of casual and imprecise vernacular, all the same.

Now, when I say translation, I really mean "variation on an original theme". The people translating the Mass didn't even have the benefit of Google translate, so they had to guess what the Latin words meant. Actually Google itself seems to have been got at, as it turns the Latin Gloria into:

Glory to God in the highest
and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.
We praise you,
thank you,
we adore you,
we glorify you,
Thank you for your glory;
Lord God, heavenly King
Father Almighty.

Which looks distinctly wonky.

"Do any of you speak Vernacular?"

Anyway, for about 40 years, people muddled on with a B-grade translation, not quite sure whether the peace on Earth was intended for everyone, or just people of goodwill, or those whom God loves. There is also this problem about whether the Precious Blood is shed for many, for all, or just me and my mates.

So, in 2011, an English translation was produced, and it caused hysterics among liberal Catholics. For example, the precise theological concept "consubstantial" had previously been vernacularised into "of one being", or "being of one oneness", or possibly "one of one beingness", or maybe "being of one beingness". Whatever it was, it was a waffly as possible. The new translation made worshippers use a 4-syllable word which required thinking about... my dear, it was awful!

"I've added some cartoons to make it more popular."

The French and Italians wanted to go their own way. "Lead us not into temptation" appears to be what Jesus said. But we can improve on that. "Zut alors, ne nous laisse pas entrer en tentation parce-que la plume de ma tante est dans le jardin" seems to be the version currently used by the frogs, although I may not have got that quite right. The Italian version is full of Mama Mias and references to tutti-frutti ice-cream but they also don't want to be allowed to enter into temptation.

Anyway, the good news is that Pope Francis is going to take a lead on this. The Lord's Prayer, in particular, needs updating. Apart from local variations it has remained unchanged for 2000 years, and omits to mention climate change, equality and diversity, and vaccinations. A theological commitee - consisting of the Pope, Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, Joe Biden, Alyssa Milano, and Ocasio-Cortez - will be rushing out a new Lord's Prayer (not tested on humans, but many hamsters have reacted favourably to it). This will become compulsory in 2021.

Experts prepare a new version of the Latin Mass.

Latin abuse amongst young people

The history of the problem.

It is hard to believe that, until about 50 years ago, it was considered socially acceptable to get "high" on Latin. For example, Vincenzo Gioacchino Raffaele Luigi Pecci, a leading writer of the 19th century, wrote a successful memoir Confessions of a Latin-speaker, in which he admitted that he had been obtaining spiritual experiences through the use of Latin Masses, and even softer drugs such as the Rosary, Veneration, and even simple prayers.

Rumours that Pecci also experimented with Bovril are probably exaggerated.

In the 1960s there was a long-overdue clampdown on Latin, and the Spirit of Vatican II (if not the actual congress itself) drove use of it underground. Of course there were always hippies who continued to indulge in it, and we all remember Woodstock, that great open-air Latin Mass of 1969, featuring such bands as Gloria in Excelsis, Credo, and Agnus Dei.

However, it was generally agreed that the use of Latin Masses could severely cut one's time in Purgatory, and - in Catholic circles at least - spiritual experiences were frowned upon. Too fit in with the Zeitgeist (German for "Spirit of Vatican II"), it was necessary to root ones worship in more secular rituals, such as the Sign of Peace, the use of clowns and puppets, liturgical dancing, and of course hymns that were indistinguishable from pop songs.

Laudato sing-songs for tree-huggers!

But there is a problem!

Yes, I was coming to that. Although it is fiercely denied by bishops, priests, school chaplains, and the like, the "yoof" of today are beginning to experiment with Extraordinary Forms once more. A few sample comments from young people whom we interviewed:

"Until I tried the older form, I hadn't realised that Mass was all about God. I thought the highlight was supposed to be the Sign of Peace, as that's the point at which people started getting interested."

"This Gregorian chant is COOL. Can we get Gregory to write some more?"

"Call me 'rigid' if you must, Pope Francis, dude, but I'm hooked!"

One of the warning signs of Latin abuse - a mantilla!

What is the solution?

Of course it is the duty of every Catholic to drive the Latin Mass underground. Although that liberal pope, Benedict XVI, made it easier to get access to Latin, there are still many reliable bishops who will tell you, "It's still illegal!" And there are priests who argue "Get lost, there's no demand for an Extraordinary Form Mass. And you're the 50th person I've had to turn away today!"

Make it a thing to be ashamed about. "Yes, your grandparents experimented with such substances - even your ancestors did for hundreds of years - but we modernists know better than they did, just as Pope Francis's Magisterium is better than anything the previous Popes and Doctors of the Church taught!"

No, the only safe way to worship is in Vernacular. So if you're in Swansea it will be Catalan, or if in Barcelona it will be Welsh. Because Vernacular is a very useful language - nearly as important as Italian, the language preferred by great thinkers such as Bergoglio, Spadaro, Faggioli, Coccopalmerio... Whoever wrote anything worth reading in Latin or Greek?

Hands up, everyone who wants to look "with it"!

It is the "yoof" who are the problem. We invite them to World Yoof Day, where they can sing and dance, celebrating Mass with plastic cups and watching bishops acting like pantomime dames; but they will insist on looking for something deeper.

We're not worried about the older Latin junkies - who cares what they think, and anyway they're going to die off. No, it is the "yoof" that need protecting, and that means "NO LATIN".

Where are the police? Why aren't they doing something? Doesn't it count as a hate crime to use Latin?

Protect our kids, and ban this book!

Dan Brown's new translation of the Mass

Following on from a pathetic pastiche called The Da Mian Cod and the rather more ambitious Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown, by a deacon in good standing, it has been announced that Dan Brown, in conjunction with the Bitter Pill, has produced a new translation of the Mass, which Catholics are urged to adopt forthwith.

Literary giant Dan Brown attends the launch of his new Missal at the Vatican.

For the first time, we are able to release some excerpts from the new Creed, as translated by Dan Brown.

I believe in one divine God,
the paternal Father, almighty and known for being very competent,
reputed for making things, indeed He
made the celestial Heaven and terrestrial earth,
and all things visible and invisible, including things you can see 
and things you can't see. Plus a few things that you can
sometimes see but not always, like the Moon.

The invisible man - never mentioned in official Vatican documents.

...I believe in one Lord, the highly-esteemed Jesus Christ,
the Only Begotten Celebrity Son of God,
born of the Father before all ages - which includes the
Ice Age, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age and the Iron Age.

The Ice Age: Robert Langdon discovered that this was a cold time.

... was incarnate of the Virgin Mary,
and became man.
Also he married Mary Magdalene and had children, but they
keep this secret from you.

Mary Magdalene, a woman with a secret.

...He ascended into heaven, which is
a bit like going up in an elevator, 
only without the whirring sound,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father, 
which He keeps at the end of His right arm.

A rough idea of how the Ascension works.

The next step will be to translate this back into Latin for use at EF Masses.

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Meanwhile, Lord Falconer is to present a bill to the House of Lords this week: it would introduce a system allowing doctors to provide a fatal dose of drugs to patients judged to have less than six months to live.

Overweight, probably a bad health risk. Will he last 6 months?

It's generally considered by Christians that euthanasia is a bad idea (as indeed is suicide), and, looking around, we see many people who might be in danger of being "pushed off the edge."

Enda Kenny - could that problem with his mouth be fatal?

Many Irish, worried about the horrible things Enda Kenny's mouth keeps producing, are hoping to club together to send him to a clinic in Switzerland... or England... or indeed anywhere except Ireland.

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Finally, as a bit of light relief from the serious items above, we attended a service at the Church of the Holy Bubbles, and were pleased to see the dignity and holiness with which the Mass was celebrated.

The Elevation. "Take thee much soap" (Jeremiah 2:22, KJV).

Don't worry, this is not Pope Francis.

Pope Francis, as a former chemist, is of course extremely capable of synthesising bubbles whenever he wishes, although he has the wisdom to recognise that the Mass is not the most appropriate occasion for this.

Pope Francis sends a giant bubble in pursuit of a heretic.

How well do you know the liturgy?

We have decided to help out the Tablet staff, who have been having trouble with their questionnaire on the new translation of the Mass, perhaps because many of them are not regular church-goers. Accordingly, we provide another quiz, this time to test readers' knowledge of the new translation.

Tablet staff studying an English missal.

1. If the priest says "The Lord be with you," what is 
the correct response? 
(a) Thank you.
(b) And with your spirit.
(c) Look, poor old Granny Pepinster's late, she must have 
overslept again, and... oh he's started.

2. Which action do you do when making a Confession?
(a) Slap your head, and say "D'oh, I got it wrong again!"
(b) Beat your breast and say "Through my most grievous fault." 
(c) Scratch your back and say "Gosh, these pews are uncomfortable!"

Mea culpa!

3. Which is it?
(a) Circumstantial like the Father.
(b) Consubstantial with the Father.
(c) Confidential to the Father.

4. Lord I am not worthy that... Which?
(a) I should climb onto Your roof.
(b) You should enter under my roof.
(c) I should fall off the roof.

Unworthy people.

5. Go forth, the Mass is... What?
(a) Running late.
(b) Ended.
(c) Cancelled.

6. You may occasionally hear some Latin. Which of these is 
a Latin phrase?
(a) Elena Curti.
(b) Agnus Dei.
(c) San Diego.

Top scores so far: Clifford Longley 3, Ed Stourton 2, Chris Patten 1.

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Late News.

After rumours that both the Dandy and Tablet comics would be forced to close through falling subscriptions, it has just been announced that they will merge.

Your new Danlet will continue to feature those much-loved comic characters who have given us so many hours of fun. For example, we shall still be able to read the hilarious exploits of that distinguished historian:

Desperate Duffy,

and that expert on religion, society and human flourishing*:

Beattie the Peril.

Available at the back of the church, now!

*Having fun.