This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 19 May 2013

The Nightmare Song

With further apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. But there's always room for one more pastiche, isn't there?

When you're sitting in church, and you're trying to search for a meaningful theme in the service,
You may find that it seems you've been having bad dreams, and they're certainly not for the nervous.

Walk in the Light

Warning - Damian Lundy ahead.

For it's Walk in the the Light, with its words very trite, that they've got as the hymn for procession:
At its music banal you are starting to snarl - finding it hard to control your aggression! Then things get even gorier - Kyrie and Gloria, sung to a setting by Inwood -
Which destroys all the sense. What could make you less tense? Well, you feel that perhaps a large gin would!


An antidote to Inwood.

The priest's got no biretta, he thought it was better to dress in a cape and deer-stalker,
While the deacon's emphatic, he'll wear no dalmatic; he's dressed like a long-distance walker.

Fr Holmes

Father Holmes prepares for Mass.

The Epistles of Paul, we don't have them at all, though he wrote of some truths sempiternal.
What we get in their place makes you green in the face - it's a page of Dan Brown's book (Infernal!)
Well, you hope that the preacher will be a good teacher, but instead they've wheeled in Tina Beattie,
Who's at war with the Pope, and there isn't much hope that they're going to sign a peace treaty.

Tina's gig

Lest we forget...

She has often been banned, and you do understand that her words must be treated with caution:
All traditions are wrong, let us sing a new song: women priests, same-sex marriage, abortion!
Then it's on to the creed, and it makes your heart bleed, when you see all of the bits they've omitted:
For the priest isn't sure he believes any more, so it's best not to get too committed!


An uncontroversial edition of the creed.

Well it's time for some prayer. Yet again you despair - for we pray for Hans Küng, not Pope Francis.
A collection they'll take, but first - not a mistake - we'll be getting liturgical dances!
A guitar twangs away, to our increased dismay, with some rubbish the player has brought in.
Six girls leap to their feet, do the Liverpool beat, which is mainly suggestive cavorting.

liturgical can-can

A liturgical can-can.

They come round with the plate, you're obliged to donate, though you really had thought of refusin'...
For the case they support is to buy vintage port for a transgendered bishop called Susan.
Well the rest of the Mass is just equally crass, like the bit where you cuddle your neighbour,
When you know very well she would see you in Hell, for two pins, with the aid of a sabre!

kiss of peace

The kiss of peace.

When it's time to receive, you just cannot believe that the priest simply said "Come and get it!"
So you stay in your pew, feeling more and more blue, for you certainly think "Just forget it!"
Now it's Shine, Jesus, Shine! - oh, that hymn's really fine - as the song that we sing when it's finished:
Shine on me, shine on me, dum-de-dum, dum-de-dee... At the end you feel strangely diminished.

bitter pill

The worst is yet to come...

So you head for the door - Father'll be there for sure, with a greeting (he's likely to gabble it);
BUT right down the aisle, there's a huge unsold pile of a scurrilous rag called the TABLET!

From this sight you retreat, running into the street, for it's evil in print, you reflect as you sprint, heading into the town, to the pub where you drown... all your sorrows in beer, for the Tablet brings fear, of a hideous curse, yes, an evil, far worse, than you previously met, and you're really upset, by the demons within, which may lead you to sin, and destruction which can't be amended...

Tablet journalist

Read my new column in the Tablet!

But the service is past, and it's freedom at last, and next week you begin again, with a new priest (called Finigan?) so thank goodness this nightmare song's ended!


  1. Darling eccles, a terrible nightmare - do you know someone with nice drugs to 'fix' it. Xx Jess

  2. Reading your blog posts keeps on making my eyes swivel left to right, Eccles ; do you have a remedy for this so that I can avoid being insulted by high-ranking "Conservatives" ?

    1. I have recently discovered that this eye-swivelling left and right is wrecking my eyesight (as well as teh gay "marriage" US-imposed policy apparently)

      I'm worried -- should I continue swivelling my eyes, or start to rabidly accuse this fine blog of being homophobic instead ?

  3. Paula N Wood covers these themes - "Blathering Song" (Novus disOrdo), "Raving Sign" (Charischismatic), "Two Jives Become One' (liturgical dancing) & for the kiss of peace is "Your Gentle Touch". Presbyters who don't do transubstantiation can select "Waiting for The Bread of Life", especially in the rare case of long queues for communion.

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  5. Great portrait photo of Richard Darkins at the end there Eccles. Did you get that from his Sintrest link?

  6. "Bloomin' Gentiam" carries a government health warning - not to be taken internally.

  7. Eccles! I didn't know we lived in the same parish!

    1. I is a man of mystery, bruvver Rec.

    2. That's Sister Rec, actually, but I get that a's difficult, having a secret identity.

  8. liturgical dancing is the Devil's work? Whose idea was it to have semi naked female Confirmation candidates?