Zen and the art of being a good pope

Yes, this is another in our series "How to be a good pope," designed to provide useful advice to any of our readers who might suddenly be told "You've just been elected to the Chair of St Peter. Put on this white coat, get out on the balcony, and smile as if you really meant it."

Now sometimes you get pestered by unwanted visitors. Obviously, there are visitors that you welcome with open arms, such as little gnomes writing biographies of you, or LGBT Jesuits wanting to build bridges. But there are others that you definitely mustn't see.

Hide and seek in the Vatican.

One such is Cardinal Tao, the 94-year-old Chinese cardinal, who has walked all the way from Hong Kong to discuss with you the appointment of bishops in his own country. You thought you had it all sewn up: President Xi Jinandtonic was to send you lots of money, and you would let him chooses his pet thugs as bishops. After all, what's wrong with having thugs as bishops, or even cardinals? In the United States it is quite normal.

But Tao refuses to be silent. Luckily he is only going to be around for four days and you have many places you can hide: behind the sofa, under the bed, in the cupboard under the stairs, in the toilet. As Baroness Orczy put it:

They seek him here, they seek him there. 
Those Chinese seek him everywhere. 
Is he in Heaven or is he in Hell? 
That demned elusive Popernel.

The scarlet Popernel.

You could even try removing your papal robes, dressing as a gardener, and slipping out unnoticed. A much more important Man than you was once mistaken for a gardener!

But there is another cloud on the horizon. Cardinal Billabong from Australia has escaped from prison, and he's come to check your tax returns! Unlike Tao, he has very good eyesight, and you won't be able to elude him so easily.

Hmm... this one could be tricky. If I get any good ideas I'll let you know.

How to brush off a papal scandal

This is the latest instalment in our long-running series "How to be a good pope", intended especially for those of our readers who one day get a tap on the shoulder, and a "Congratulations, Cardinal Imbroglio, here are the keys to Heaven, the Vatican Bank, and Cardinal Cocainepusher's apartment. Now, have a nice day!"

It may happen one day that you are taking a little holiday in Ireland, when a scandal breaks. Archbishop Figaro, whom you never liked, has produced a testimony which, if true, would require your instant resignation.

"The seminarian was just resting in my bed, Frank."

The central allegation concern a chap called "Uncle Fred", who is one of your best mates, but has been caught with his vestments down. Your predecessor had slapped his wrists and prescribed a regime of cold showers and no contact with vulnerable people, but you decided to kiss him better and restore him to the sybaritic luxury that we expect of a Prince of the Church. Oops!

Your first step is to say nothing. This worked very well for the Dubia, and the jury is still out on whether Amorous Letitia is heretical or not - and you're not going to tell them! It also worked when you took the side of Boozelager against Feasting in the Order of Malt wars.

So what you say is: "I think the statement speaks for itself." This is good Jesuit-speak, as it can be interpreted both ways: either as a confession "It's a fair cop", or, if you can wriggle out of it, as "I ain't done nuffin'." Also try saying "Read that statement attentively and make your own judgment," which should muddy the waters enough for you to escape.

Remember, they will only carry you out of the Vatican feet first!

Next, send in the attack poodles! There are lots of nonentities who owe you a favour, like Austin Powers, author of "Pope Frank, the saviour of the universe"; or Fr Rosie from the Satan Lite Corporation; you can rely on Fr Jim LGBTSJ to muddy the waters by confusing celibacy, chastity, and continence; Professor Beans will also blunder in with some choice theologian's insults. Now there's no use in denying anything in Archbishop Figaro's testimony. What the poodles must do is to bite Figaro in the ankles (metaphorically). Call him a terrorist, an extreme right-winger, fomenter of a crude putsch - why he must be LITERALLY HITLER.

Hmm, a day has passed, and that didn't work. Everyone is still expecting something from you. Send in the clowns! Soupy Supich will explain that you have FAR MORE IMPORTANT issues to deal with than mass homosexual rape - such as climate change and migrants. It's true that in your encyclical LOADA SH'T you did explain that we Catholics should no longer worry about Good and Evil, but Environmental issues instead. Oh, and ask Soupy to play the RACE CARD. What race are you? Oh, the same as Figaro? Well it doesn't matter, play it anyway.

Alice goes down a rabbit hole and meets the Supich Cat.

Oh look, Cardinal Maradona's back from counting the money hidden under his bed. He's worried because a journalist has been looking too closely into activities in his seminaries. Time for a sacking! No, not Maradona!! He's just complained that he's the victim of a 'hit man' who practises media harassment. Well, at least it wasn't sexual harassment, as in the seminaries! Get the journalist sacked!

It may be time for you to intervene, finally. No, you fool, not by answering Figaro's allegations! Pull yourself together, you'll end up answering the Dubia if you don't get a grip. So this is what you do:

Clutching at straws?

Remember to update the catechism on this very subject:

66666. Recourse to the use of plastic straws for the purpose of legitimate drinking, following a period of thirst, was long considered an appropriate response to the needs of the individual, and an acceptable, albeit extreme, means of transferring liquids to one's mouth.

Today, however, there is an increasing awareness that the value of the drink is not lost even if it is consumed by alternative methods. In addition, a new understanding has emerged of the significance of tilting glasses in order for their contents to fall out. Lastly, more effective systems of drinking have been developed, which ensure the due nourishment of thirsty citizens but, at the same time, do not definitively destroy the environment.

Consequently, the Church teaches, in the light of the Gospel, that “plastic straws are inadmissible because they are an attack on the inviolability and dignity of nature”, and she works with determination for their abolition worldwide.

Yes, that should work. Another good way of diverting attention is to play the "Where's Wuerly?" game.

Where's Wuerly?

One of your more embattled cardinals, Donna Wuerl, is expecting a knock on the door from the FBI. Make him disappear! As Baroness Orgy put it in The Scarlet Nincompoop: Is he in Heaven, is he in Hell? That demmed elusive Donna Wuerl! (Spoiler: he's in Rome, but won't be when they come looking for him!).

Well, that's all gone VERY WELL INDEED. By Sunday the crisis will be over. Ask Austin Powers. Ask Mickens Mouse. Ask Elizabeth Scalia the Pollyanna-chorus... Nothing to see here, let's move on.

Anonymous blogging

Some readers have questioned whether my name is really Eccles, and whether my brother is really called Bosco, or my great-aunt called Moly. Of course all this is perfectly true - why would I want to deceive you? However, I have been accused of cowardice for (allegedly) blogging and tweeting anonymously, especially as some of my posts have been misinterpreted as attacks on the vain, the proud, the self-important and the stupid - which are protected but scarcely endangered species.

Two anonymous bloggers discuss hermeneutics.

Still there is a long tradition of strivers for justice, honesty, truth, beauty, world peace, a sound digestion, good weather, ... where was I? Oh yes, a long tradition of doing such things anonymously. Sometimes it is enough to put on a pair of glasses and call yourself Clark Kent to become impenetrably disguised as a journalist. At the Catholic Herald they once tried something similar...

Mild-mannered Dr William Oddie, Damian Thompson and Ed West under cover.

What happens if you're not anonymous? Well, if you're a pro-life GP, be very afraid. Farewell to the Hippocratic oath, hello to Abortion. Your first words to a pregnant mother should be "Oh dear, I am so sorry. Shall I arrange a termination?" and not "Congratulations, you must be very pleased!" Be warned - we're coming for you, and your family, and your dog, and your cat, and your hamster, and... anyway, don't you dare fight abortion!

The Scarlet Pimpernel - another blogger with a secret identity.

Or you might be a professor in a politically-correct university (aren't they all?), who dares to oppose the Equality and Diversity party line - perhaps you think that, hey, homosexual sex is a bad thing...? Or that marriage is something to do with a man and a woman? Or that Islam is actually a false religion? Well, if you want to keep your job, or at least to avoid being mobbed by students with too much time on their hands, you'd better not say so!

The Lone Ranger, with patent Zuhlsdorf^TM heretic-smiter.

It was always thus. Saul of Tarsus, originally a big shot in the looking-after-coats-during-stonings business (and general smiting of Christians) was forced to blog under the pseudonym of Paul, especially when putting forward controversial notions about faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of them being love (or charity, if you prefer). He was still harassed by people who thought that the three virtues were diversity, political correctness and being green -- and the greatest of these is being green.

St Paul, arrested for not being green.

So be nice to our anonymous bloggers, and remember that some of the greatest people in history traded under a variety of aliases (or sockpuppets). One thinks of Our Lord, who managed to have numerous Oxbridge colleges named after Him, simply by using the aliases Christ, Corpus Christi, Emmanuel, Jesus, Trinity, ... and, if you believe Dan Brown, His wife's name Magdalen(e), too.

Brasenose (formerly Brazen Nose), not believed to be one of the names of God.