The Dean of Norwich defends herself

The (Anglican) Dean of Norwich, her Holiness the Very Reverend, Sacred and Venerable Minerva Mouse, has defended herself against criticism that installing a helter-skelter into Norwich cathedral was irreverent, blasphemous, bonkers, and Satanic (you choose).

Dean Mouse stands outside her magnificent cathedral.

"In a very real sense - and I know that Bishop Duck agrees with me - spiralling downhill very quickly is a metaphor for the modern Anglican church. But let us not forget the immortal words of Mother Julian of Norwich, author of Rotations of Divine Love, even if she was a Catholic, and therefore a bit too God-obsessed:

He showed me a great tower, ringed with a steep helix, lying in the nave of a cathedral, as it seemed. I looked upon it with the eye of my understanding, and thought, 'What may this be?' And it was answered generally thus, 'It is all that Man will worship in the future.' I marvelled how it might last, for I thought it might suddenly have fallen to nothingness. And I was answered in my understanding: 'It lasts and ever shall, for God loves it.'

All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well. WHEEEEEEE!!!"

Bishop Duck gives the Blessing.

A survey of members of the Church of England produced the following results:

1. Only 30% believed in God (falling to 5% when it came to the clergy).

2. Only 20% realised that Churches were the House of God, rather than simply funfairs with better architecture.

3. When asked who was the Son of God, only 10% said Jesus. Other responses included Mohammed, Richard Dawkins, and Stephen Fry.

Norwich cathedral (the ancient one) has long been appreciated as a place for religion-lite fun, as the following picture of a dignified prelate shows.

Bishop of Norwich jumps on a tray of custard (yes, really).

Meanwhile, Dean Mouse has put up a small shed near the old cathedral in which Christian worship can take place. "There will only be room for two or three people at a time, but that should easily be enough!" she explained.

However, as one commentator put it: "I came a long way to see this church, and there wasn't even a coconut shy or dodgem cars! How do they think they will attract pilgrims?"

The new Norwich cathedral.

Anti needs exercisin

We is still havin trubble wiv Anti Moly. We fought dat she was enjoyin a nihgt of passion wiv a chap who calls hisself Demnos de Fuol Fiend (dere was shouts and screems all de nihgt, even more dan dere usually is when she's bloggin), but we may have got dis wrong.

She came down to brekfast, where Bosco and me was tuckin into our brekfast serials, Wheety Halos, which is wot saved poeple eat, as good prepparation for when we wears halos in Heavven.

In fact Bosco was tellin me an interrestin story about how he once spent 2 minutes at de Musuem of Torcher in Dissneyland, and how a giant duck appeared and said "Ullo, I is Donnald." Bosco ran away in fear, dis told him all he ever needed to know abuot de Cathlic churhc, dey scares poeple wiv giant ducks.

We was greeted wiv a "Mornin, cobbers!" from Anti Moly in her usaul screechy vioce. Den she continued, "YAHAHAHAHA, WE IS DEMNOS AND WE IS IN CONTROL," in a much deeper vioce.

"Is you practisin ventrilloquims, Anti? You can use Eccles as your dummy," said Bosco, showin a most un-bruvverly atittude towards someone who is just as saved as he is. "Or is you speekin in tongues as we saved poeple does, like sometimes I does a good impressonation of Addolf Hittler?"

"I fink it's a sockpoppet, Bosco," I said. "Anti is prettendin to be Alfred Hadock again."

Just den de tellephone rang. "Hello, I is a preist in good standin," said a familliar vioce. "I does blessins, curses, conffessions, weddins, funnerals, exercisms, grave diggin, dog-walkin, light garddenin duties and small plubming jobs at cut-price rates. I has got singed tetsimonials from Collonel Gaddaffi and de Pop in Avingon to say dat I is a reel preist. Wuold you like to buy some sharres in de Vennezeulan Dodo-farmin Company? Dey is sure to go up, dodo meat is very poppular these days."

"I AM DEMNOS FROM THE DEEP PITS OF HELL," boomed Anti Moly, then, "Traddy RC sockpoppet click, pretty sad, eh?" in her usaul vioce.

"You got someone dere who needs exercisin," said Farver Arfur. "As a preist in good standin I is traned to recoggnise de symtpoms. I has even got me own bell, book and candle. I will come ruond later. Keep de pattient under seddation wiv lots of gin, but save some for me too."

So we is waitin for furver devellopments.

We aint had many phottos of Bosco lately, so here he is hidin in a drane. What he does is shout "YOU AINT SAVED BUSTER, JESSUS IS LOOKIN FOR YOU" at de kids goin to school. Dey fink it's a vioce from Heavven, and some of de kids bursts into tears and runs away screemin. De kid we got here is just about to be sick into de drane, well Bosco, de path of rightoeusness aint always easy, is it?

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.

On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.

"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.

Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.

I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.