St Ignatius Academy Old Boys' News

It's been another good year for Jesuits everywhere, and as usual our old boys have been sending us news of their achievements worldwide.

Arturo Sosa (Caracas House, Class of 1977) has been appointed Superior General, also known as the Black Pope, although he admits that he doesn't really like the colour black!

The Blue and White Pope is anxious never to be recognised as a priest!

Arturo has been keeping up the finest Jesuit traditions of poking fun at Christian teaching. He tells us that he doesn't like Doctrine, and that's probably a good thing, as we recall that he got only 15% on his "New Testament Theology for Footballers" course!

We remember at the time that his excuse was that Jesus's words were only "relative" and "had to be discerned" according to the conscience of the individual. In those days, this excuse didn't serve him very well, and Mgr Chávez kept him in detention for 6 months on a bread and water diet. Nowadays we realise that this is the sort of attitude to Holy Scripture that makes him a fine Jesuit!

Fr Sosa also starred in the crime drama A touch of Frost.

JImmy Martin (Manhattan House, Class of 1999) continues his career in comedy. Last year he told us all about his stage act with Stephen Colbert, where he tells people that the Holy Spirit is female, and that God could learn a lot from human beings! That course on "The Laurel and Hardy approach to Bible Study" paid off, Jim!

This year, the LBGTSJ community in which he performs is very keen on "Trans" rights, and thinks it's a great idea to have men in dresses wandering round the girls' rest rooms! It seems that Jimmy has been very unhappy this year, since his idol Hillary Clinton didn't get a job she had applied for, and he himself seems to have been getting a lot of criticism from serious Catholics. If we Jesuits were into praying, I'd say we should pray for him - after all, God probably isn't aware of his plight!

Jimmy Martin and Tom Rosica (St Basil's School) wander into the Ladies' Rest Room by mistake!

Jorge Bergoglio (Buenos Aires House, Class of 1969) continues to hold down an administrative job in Rome, and says he has no plans to retire. He tells us that his favourite Person of the Trinity is the Holy Spirit - who chose him for his present job because he was obviously the best person to occupy the Chair of St Peter! Also, unlike God and Jesus, nobody actually knows what the Holy Spirit thinks on any matter, so in best Jesuit tradition we can make up our own answers!

Jorge (R) watches a non-rigid interpretation of Amoris Laetitia

We remember Jorge's time with us with affection, although he was severely punished by Fr Galtieri the day he handed in a blank test paper, saying that he couldn't give binary answers to abstract questions! Nowadays, of course, this is in the best spirit of Jesuit Confusion! We wish him well in his campaign to drive all the non-heretics out of Rome!

Mass for the Twitterati

Priest: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Troll 1: Why don't you just crawl off and die? I'm going to kidnap your hamster and make it into a pie.

There's no use looking sweet. They're out to get you.

Worshipper 2: Just block him, Father.

Troll 2: Admit it, you're a sockpuppet of Eccles living simultaneously in Brighton, Corby and Spain.

Worshipper 3: Amen.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Amen.

Worshipper 4: I've got a dreadful cold and the bus was late and there was a dirty old man on it smelling of haddock.

Worshipper 5: So the restaurant said "Yes, we do take-aways" and I replied "O.K. then, what's 97 minus 61?"

Worshipper 6: ROFL. Or do I mean LOL?

Worshipper 7: 46. No - it's 36.

Troll 3: All Catholics are vile you know. Richard Dawkins calls them "faith-heads". Which proves it.

Worshipper 2: I'm blocking you too.

Richard is wearing his "tasteless shirt of the day".

Priest: If I may continue?

Troll 2: Eccles has got 4 young daughters and 4 donkeys. I have the evidence.

Priest: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

Worshipper 8: Shouldn't that be "fellowship"?

Worshipper 9: No, Catherine. When did you last go to Mass?

Worshipper 8: 95% of Tablet readers no longer attend Mass. I blame Arthur Roche - he did the new translation.

The guilty party.

Troll 2: Arthur Roche wouldn't let me become a priest, so I put on a biretta and sang rugby songs outside his bedroom window at 3 a.m.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you.

Worshipper 3: And with your spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. And with your spirit.

Priest: Is the right answer!

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Is the right answer!

Troll 1: Then I'll steal the Eccles cakes from your kitchen and jump on them.

After a troll attack.

Worshipper 10: Have you seen the "Our new heresy of the week" column in this week's Tablet?

Worshipper 11: No, my father won't have it in the house.

Priest: Brethren, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you, Father. No, that can't be right.

Troll 4: Mysteries? You mean Agatha Christie? ROFL.

Priest: Oh, why do I bother?

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that...

Bad Hymns 7

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is God's spirit is in my heart, by Alan Dale, which is also known as The two shirts song. As usual, we invited the author along to explain himself.

Eccles: A most interesting hymn, Alan, and I see that you managed to get it set to one of the most peculiar hymn tunes in common usage. It starts off as a minor-key Russian love song as best sung by a basso profundo, and it ends up as a music-hall waltz, something like "Down by the old Bull and Bush, bush, bush!"

AD: Yes, indeed. We do get many people singing "The news that God's Kingdom has come, come, come!"

And lastly, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your own delight, a final chorus of the two shirts song!

E: Still, in these interviews we are more concerned with the lyrics. Are you sure, for example, that God's Kingdom has come already? Don't we have a little-known prayer which says "Thy Kingdom Come," as though it were something we needed to pray for?

AD: Er, well of course most of the words are based on Jesus's own instructions to his disciples.

E: But should those words really be sung in a different context?

AD: I suppose you mean the bit about "you don't need two shirts on your back?"

E: Yes, I've heard of several people catching pneumonia by assuming that the climate in Britain was the same as in the Holy Land.

This man is wearing too many shirts

AD: Well, we now print the hymn with a warning that we bear no liability if people misinterpret the words.

E: Yes, "tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more," is another example.

Maybe prisoners for a bit longer?

AD: Apparently, we've had some complaints about that too. And I told a blind person that he could see, and he promptly got up and walked into a statue of St Kevin of Mayhew.

E: Well, thank you very much, Alan. That's it really. Fancy joining me for a drink down at the Old Plymouth Hoe?

AH: Hoe, hoe!

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.

On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.

"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.

Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.

I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.