Fr Thomas Reese SJ decides to forgive God

As "inspired" by this.

I forgive God. I hope others can too.

By Fr Thomas Reese LGBTSJ.

I see God as a holy but flawed individual who did the best He was capable of.

I first met God in 1994 when I had been a Jesuit priest for 20 years. We Jesuits are well-known for our many achievements in the realms of science, but it is only rarely that we turn our attention to religion. For example, there are the medieval scientists Jacobus Martinus, who was the first person to build a rainbow bridge; Jorgeus Bergoglius, the engineer who worked on rigidity; and Arturus Sosus, who invented the tape-recorder. So it was quite a surprise for me when I first learnt that it was possible to be a Jesuit and also to believe in God.

At the end of my first prayer, I asked for God's blessing — because I sensed I was in the presence of a divine being. But I also knew I was in the presence of a creator who, as Judge Eternal, had done irreparable harm to the church. There were scores of theologians, professors and priests who had been led to believe that they had sinned in some way, generally by disobeying Divine Commandments.

Controversial propaganda, used to attack my friends.

God's problem was that He treated theologians as if they were graduate students who needed correction and guidance. As a result, my last question to the Lord was, "Do you ever worry that you may be judging too much?"

He laughed and responded, "What a silly little man you are."

My own difficulties with God began shortly after I became editor of America Magazine, a journal of propaganda published by U.S. Jesuits. I wanted to make America a journal of criticism, explaining where God was wrong, and why the Bible should be rejected.

For years we had to contend with adverse reactions from God. Not just lightning strikes on the office of America, a voice thundering REPENT! down the chimney, plagues of boils and frogs, but even criticisms from self-styled authorities such as Pope Benedict.

The America offices.

I tried to make America the top journal of dissent, inviting moderate Catholics such as Cardinal Kasper to tell us where the Church had gone wrong, and even asking Cardinal Burke along so that other contributors could mock him point out where he was wrong.

However, it was clear that God was unhappy with the magazine, and it was time to go. Later, the election of that chap from the St Gallen Mafia lifted my spirits a little, as I realised that I was not God's only critic.

God has not asked for my forgiveness. He probably still believes that what He did to me and to numerous theologians was the right thing for the Church, but I still want to forgive Him.

In short, I see God as holy but flawed. He did the best He was capable of. For all of us, that is the best we can say. In the end, finally, only WE can judge.

Sunday to become a monthly event

Following the news that the Catholic Herald is to become a monthly magazine rather than a weekly, the Catholic Church has announced that, from now on, Sunday will become a monthly event, rather than weekly.

Explained a Vatican spokesman, "We have also retranslated Exodus 20 (as we did for the Lord's Prayer), and the new version reads 29 or 30 days shalt thou sit at home sulking, or 27 or 28 if the month happeneth to be February, but the remaining day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Now that people are locked down by the Coronavirus, it seemed insensitive to suggest that they were working. We have also removed the bit about manservants and maidservants, as only bishops have them these days."

"Hey guys, Mary Kenny is in the very first issue of the Catholic Herald!"

The reason for the Catholic Herald's switch to a monthly publication is not clear, except that it enables them to inflict less Ronald Rolheiser on readers who had really been asking for spiritual nourishment. Unfortunately, it also means a cut in words of wisdom from Fr Dominic Allain and Fr John Zuhlsdorf.

When the Coronavirus is simply a happy memory, the Catholic Church will continue to restrict itself to one Sunday a month. This is a change in the liturgical calendar that Annibale Bugsbunni and the other Vatican II pioneers could only dream of.

"We've won!"

The Sundays will be:

January 1st (Christmas);
February 1st (Candlemas);
March 1st (Ash Sunday) - Lent will be cut to 31 days (hoorah!);
April 1st (Easter);
May 1st (Tricost, formerly Pentecost);
June 1st (Ordinary Time);
July 1st (Very Ordinary Time);
August 1st (Summer Time and the Living is Easy);
September 1st (How much more of this is there Time);
October 1st (Phew, that's nearly over Time);
November 1st (All the unimportant Saints);
December 1st (Advent).

All liturgical colours will be changing too. Here is some inspiration.

The Vatican Congregation for the Rewriting of the Scriptures is currently working on a new translation of Genesis, which will prove that God took 30 days to create Heaven and Earth, not simply six. When challenged, Fr James Martin replied, "Well, YOU do it in six if you're so clever!"

Church of England apologises for temporary lapse into Christianity

Yes, I thought of that title before Father Z did...

Following a special emergency meeting between the Archbishops of Canterbury and York, the Church of England has apologised for a statement made last week pointing out that for Christians the proper context for sexual activity is marriage between a man and a woman for life.

"It was a temporary lapse," explained their Graces. "We normally reject any teaching that originates earlier than the 16th century, when our blessed founder Henry VIII told us what to believe. But everyone was away that day, and the C of E was temporarily being directed by a teenage intern who somehow obtained access to a Bible."

"All we can say is that we experimented with Christianity, but now that the Guardian has complained, we are happy to back down. Our main activities continue to be investment in profitable companies and providing funfairs in our cathedrals. Oh, and nice cosy Evensongs."

"Giles Fraser is furious!"

The statement issued by Welby and Sentamu continued with the usual obligatory bishopese when moral issues need to be discussed: "...building bridges... difficult conversations... on the one hand... on the other hand... in a very real sense... two sides to every question... division and hurt... more tea, vicar?... we welcome all beliefs and none... a broad church... we don't want to preach at you... it is 2020 you know..."

Speculation is mounting that the intern's approval of the Ten Commandments may also have to be withdrawn. "If we have to stick to 'Thou shalt not steal' someone is going to ask us to hand all our charming churches back to the Catholics. If we are not allowed to bear false witness, then Justin's comments about 'a cloud hanging over the reputation of Bishop Bell' might need to be retracted."

Support from an unexpected quarter...

For the Catholics, Cardinal Marx has rushed to confirm that the German Church (whatever that may be) has long since realised that Christian teaching is unsuitable for the modern era. "We are happy to bless all sexual relationships," he explained. "Different-sex, same-sex, those in which partners are non-binary, insects..."

Our reporter asked "Do you mean incest?"

"No, insects," explained the good cardinal. "A lot of German Catholics like to make love while self-identifying as giant insects. Who are we to judge, provided that they pay their church tax?"

A pious German Catholic.

The 10 Commandments of Pope Francis

1. I am the Lord Francis, successor of Jesus Christ (in the words of the prophet Napier, the Vatican News, and others). Thou shalt obey me. And that includes thee, Viganò, wherever thou art hiding.

And no graven images unless they actually look like me!

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Francis in vain. In particular any blog that saith "Look what this clown hath done now" shall be refused the new "APPROVED CATHOLIC BLOG" award, and so people will take it less seriously than Salt and Light, America, the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter, La Civiltà Cattolica, etc.

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Watch my show on television. That way, even if thou dost not make it to Heaven, thou canst still watch it on television.

4. Honour thy father and mother. Or thy father and father. Or mother and mother. Or whatever differently-ordered family thou mayst have. Better still, honour thy Holy Father, as nothing else really matters. See that thou dost not trouble him with Dubia - thou shalt receive no answer, anyway.

5. Thou shalt not kill. The death penalty hath been declared inadmissible. On the other hand, if thou art Emma Bonino or another good friend of Francis the God, then thou mayst slaughter babies with a clear conscience.

An excerpt from the sacred work Amoris Laetitia.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou hast a clear plan ahead, including discernment, accompaniment, gradualism, and conscience. Don't worry too much about this. See the footnotes at the bottom of these stone tablets.

7. Thou shalt not steal, although thou mayst perform dodgy financial transactions with other people's money. For do not some of my most trusted cardinals do this? (The money was resting in my account! OM)

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Actually, thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbour, either, lest thou be called "The great accuser".

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or live-in partner, boyfriend, or anyone to whom he saith "Nighty-night, baby. I love you." (Hands off, I saw him first! JT)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. And that includes coveting his papal office, his humble five-star apartment, his popemobile, and his "I AM INFALLIBLE" tee-shirt. These are going to Cupich when I rise to Heaven, so buzz off, the rest of you!

Two notorious coveters.

"Jesus has no credibility" says Cardinal Farrell

"Jesus is not the best person to advise people on marriage," explained Cardinal Kevin Farrell, Prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life. "He has no credibility, He never lived the experience; He may be the Son of God, but to go from there to putting His Power into practice every day - He doesn't have that experience."

Some will find Cardinal Farrell's words controversial, although it is unlikely that Pope Francis will take any notice of them, let alone correct them. Cardinal Farrell (70) was appointed by Francis, along with Cardinal Tobin (66) and Cardinal Cupich (69), as one of a team of "Bright Young Cardinals" whose job was to drag the Catholic Church into the 1960s.

The Three Musketeers (or do we mean Stooges?)

Jesus's views on marriage - broadly speaking, that it is an institution that involves one man and one woman for life - have already been much criticised, especially by fans of Amoris Laetitia, but Kevin Farrell is the first person to come out and explain how He could have got things so badly wrong.

"It is better if people being prepared for marriage ignore all that pre-Vatican II Biblical stuff," he continued, "and it is therefore more appropriate if they are prepared by someone who has been married before - perhaps several times - and preferably both to people of the same sex and the opposite sex. That way they can benefit from a full range of experiences."

"Now take Henry VIII. The Anglicans have benefited from his wide experience of marriage!"

Cardinal Farrell went on to criticise the Ten Commandments, explaining that God had been "rather new at that game" when He drafted them, and had not committed any sins. "It would have been better if He had left things to Satan, who, after all, had much more personal experience of evil."

Many Catholic priests have been disturbed (not to say furious) at Kev the Rev's comments, asking themselves exactly what experience of marriage the good cardinal has himself had, to be able to speak out so authoritatively. As a result, they have constructed a giant balloon (blimp) in the form of Farrell, which is now flying above Rome, this being the "modern" way to express political disagreement.

The Farrell blimp watches over St Peter's Square.

Thou shalt kill

Many readers have asked me "What the blazes did the Supreme Court think it was playing at when it ruled that two Catholic midwives would be obliged to supervise abortions carried out by their colleagues? Is it not a complete travesty of the Commandment that says 'Thou shalt not terminate'?" (We don't use words like "murder" or "kill" any more, as that might give the game away.)

Thou shalt kill.

Lady Hale explains: "We are the Supreme Court, and there is a clue in the title. Theologians will tell you that the Supreme Court is the Court of Heaven, and the Supreme Judge is God. This proves irrefutably that I am God, and I have a right to change the definitions of Good and Evil to suit myself."

Actually, as Deputy President of the Supreme Court, Baroness Hale of Richmond is only entitled to be called Deputy God, and God Himself is called Baron Neuberger of Abbotsbury. Still, He wasn't involved in this decision, and the power of life and death has devolved to Brenda Hale (or Jehovah Hale, as she should really be known).

Judge Eternal, throned in splendour...

It is expected that the Supreme Court will come out with further decisions in the near future, all designed to foster the culture of death. Lifesavers will be ordered to drown people; workers for the Samaritans will be ordered to tell people "Your situation is beyond help: go and top yourself, you time-wasting moron." Doctors, who used to swear a Hippocratic Oath all about maintaining ethical standards, will be encouraged to kill helpless babies in the womb - oh, I'm sorry, that one already happens, I'm told. But of course doctors will also be asked to swear a Shipman Oath (Shippocratic?) undertaking to bump off a regular quota of old people.

Protecting children? You're doing it all wrong.

Then again, lollipop persons (as above) will be asked to push children under buses, and mountain rescue services will be told to employ St Bernard dogs carrying cyanide. Finally, as the great Fr Hunwicke has observed, those who worked in Nazi concentration camps were only obeying orders, and we know what a wonderful job they did.

Oh Brenda, Brenda, Brenda! BPAS and the National Secular Society think you are wonderful, so I wouldn't dare call you an evil woman destined for Hell (or, more charitably, a loopy old bat). Whatever I might think.

Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

The British 10 Commandments

Following on from the Government's decree that schools should promote "British values", we have been trying to find out what these are. Is it old ladies drinking warm beer as they cycle across the cricket pitch to Mass in the morning mist, or is it something more concrete?

Miss Marple on the trail of someone without British values.

We are therefore grateful to Michael Gove for providing us with an advance copy of the 10 Commandments, edited to incorporate British values.

1. I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.

In modern secular Britain, it's best if you have no gods at all: indeed, you can get into trouble for preaching Christian doctrine, especially if you actually mean it. There is no ban on strange Prophets, however, so Muslims can say what they like, unless they go so far as to wander around with hooks threatening to blow up people.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Blasphemy isn't really a problem these days: we're more worried about "hate speech", and there are certain words you may not say, such as the N-word or various synonyms for "homosexual". Using "Christ" or "Jesus" as a swear word is perfectly all right, and even encouraged.

Bloody Hell, did I just say "Cripes"? Sorry, folks.

3. Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.

Yes, Sunday is the day for worshipping Mammon. Get down to the shops and stimulate the economy! Or watch football. Of course some eccentrics may prefer to go to Church, but there are no proposals to make this illegal. Oh, Nick says there are. But not before 2015.

4. Honour your father and your mother.

We've had to scrap this, as a majority of Britons don't know who their father and mother are. Others will, quite naturally, have two fathers or two mothers in a loving same-sex marriage. Anyway, who wants to honour an old fuddy-duddy who could be well over 30?

We're soon going to hear the patter of tiny feet!

5. You shall not kill.

We Britons are very proud of having abolished capital punishment for people guilty of murder; contrariwise, we are equally proud to support abortion, euthanasia (soon), and other ways of bumping off the innocent.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Since we've nearly abolished marriage, we have de facto abolished adultery. Result! Of course, fornication is frowned upon in some circles, but hey! this is the 21st century, and sex is a very British invention.

This is postmodern irony. Or something.

7. You shall not steal.

Quite right too. Of course, as MPs, we personally don't need to steal, as if we require the odd duck house we can claim it on expenses. Or we can flip our "second" homes to get a favourable mortgage deal. Or claim that our live-in lover is our landlord. No, stealing is right out. Put away that striped pullover, the mask and the bag marked "SWAG". They're unBritish.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

Note that lying in general (or "politics" as we call it) is perfectly permissible. It is well known that British politicians are the most honest in the world: well, more honest than the Greeks, Egyptians and Kazakhs, at least. Possibly. However, it is unBritish to make up stories about people, unless you're a Daily Mail journalist.

...and I heard that Mrs Gove at Number 6 was a Russian spy running a cannabis factory...

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife.

This has been extended to live-in partners, whether of the same sex, the opposite sex, neither sex, both sexes or undefined. Our core British values are Equality and Diversity, and we certainly aren't transphobic! Now, a little coveting is perfectly British, but nonetheless, Nick tells us that even he has slept with fewer than 30 women; so if your street contains more than 30 neighbours' wives, don't covet them all.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

Who makes up this rubbish? How are we to stimulate British industry by selling more cars, washing-machines, etc. unless people do their duty and get coveting? Coveting is a British tradition!

How I wish I had a nice house in Downing Street!

Exodus

So we reach Chapter 2 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who hasn't yet got the hang of it. We started with Genesis, remember.

Our story resumes in Egypt.

In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully enough about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.

Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...

An upset police dog.

Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.

Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses helps them escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.

Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.

Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.

If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?

Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences, are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.

Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.

Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed) deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that if the Israelites behave themselves, then they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.

The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle, regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.

Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.

So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.

An Egyptian conference on Anura zoology.

The Westminster Heresy Lectures

Arranged by Vincent Nichols in conjunction with the Tablet.

To mark Lent, the Archdiocese of Westminster has organized a strong programme of public lectures exploring heresy in all its aspects. Here are some of the forthcoming attractions.

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Tina Beattie shirts are now on sale.

To kick off, Professor Tina Beattie will be explaining the heresies of modernism. We look forward to hearing her views on the doctrine on same-sex marriage, as explained in that beautiful passage from Matthew 19 in the Roehampton Bible.

Have ye not read, that He who made man from the beginning, made them male and male, and female and female, and sometimes a bit of both? For this cause shall a man leave father and father's boyfriend, and shall cleave to another man, and they two shall be in one flesh.

One of the sacred texts we shall study in Lent.

As an encore she will read from her wonderful book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, where the Mass is likened to an orgasmic celebration of homosexual love.

Says Tina: "One of my favourite ploys is to announce that I am giving a lecture about the Blessed Virgin Mary. After that, I can say what I like!" A Tablet spokesman said, "If Mary is God's Mother, then surely Tina is God's slightly eccentric Auntie!"

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Alain de Bottom (L, with ass's head).

Also coming to Westminster is celebrity intellectual Alain de Bottom, "The man with the ass's head," who will be providing spiritual nourishment from his new book Religion for Atheists. In particular he will be talking about his Ten Commandments for Atheists.

Says Alain: "If I had to design a list of 10 virtues that could apply today, I might go for the following:

Smugness, Banality, Self-centredness, Pretentiousness, Emeticality, Pseudo-intellectualism, Moral blindness, Fluffy niceness, Apparent omniscience, and Pomposity."

Marcel Proust, author of Comment Alain de Botton peut changer votre vie.

However, Damian Thompson, a well-known expert on custard who occasionally dabbles in Catholic journalism, expressed a dissenting viewpoint: "Frankly, I can't take Alain seriously, as he is going very bald."

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Chris Bryant MP (with offensive parts redacted).

Fresh from the same-sex "marriage" debate in the House of Commons, we have Chris Bryant MP, star of a "gay-dating" website, who will speak on What is truth?

Says Chris, "I want to get away from old-fashioned notions of truth and falsehood. As I said to Edward Leigh in the House of Commons, the assurances that I made a few years ago no longer apply because I believe that the world has moved on."

Father, don't blame me: that cherry tree came down because the world has moved on.

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Says Vincent Nichols, "I am hoping that by inviting so many experts to challenge Catholic doctrine I shall become more well-known in Rome, and - who knows? - I may finally get that elusive red hat."

The god Patecatl

Since this is a leading religious blog, read by many people who are crying out for spiritual nourishment, we could not ignore the theological implications of the recent discovery of the god Patecatl.

The god Patecatl

This chap, who looks as though he were made of Lego, is part of Aztec mythology, a god of healing and fertility, and discoverer of peyoteas (all facts copied and pasted from Wikipedia verified by the department of Mexican studies at the University of Notting Hill).

Peyote is a cactus also known as cactus pudding, devil's-root, divine cactus, dry-whiskey, dumpling cactus, Indian-dope, mescal-buttons, turnip cactus, and white-mule. In the expert view of Dr Damian Thompson it is connected with addiction (but then so are ordinary dumplings, buttons and turnips).

An ordinary turnip: do not attempt to sniff this

So, you are asking, how did they discover the god Patecatl? Well, boffins in Switzerland were in fact looking for the Higgs boson, predicted in 1964 to explain the Brout-Englert-Higgs-Hagen-Guralnik-Kibble mechanism and... shall we skip this bit, which I'm sure you know already, and go back to the theology?

The latest news is that the god Patecatl has been sighted in Switzerland - in fact he seems to be spending much of his time going round and round in a Large Hadron Collider, swearing furiously every time he gets hit by a Proton.

Colliding with a Proton

Serious objections have expressed by religious leaders, mainly based on the Ten commandments, and specifically, "Thou shalt not have strange gods before Me." Thus, Professor Higgs is under pressure to explain why he has deliberately attempted to revive a long-discredited "strange god."

Well, I think that's all we have to say on the matter. If anyone tries to sell you a Higgs Boson, just say NO.

Unsaved people welcoming the news of the god Patecatl

Bosco plans a roberry

We mannaged to get rid of Farver Arfur the costume holly man, I fink he was last seen campin in his tent outside de Bank of Lost Angels in prottest against traddy Cathlics. Sometimes he camps outside de Catheddral to prottest against banks, it dont make a grate deal of diferrence either way.

In fact, sometimes he camps outside de swimmin pool to prottest against General Pinnochet - I fink he hasnt read a newspapper recently - and sometimes he camps outside de Chilean embassy to prottest about de high prices at de swimmin pool. Dis is called Libberal Thoelogy, and is anuvver way of not being saved.

Farver Arfur told us dat he practises de Custardy of de Eyes, which was invented by St Frances, and says dat you can take your clothes off in churhc and he wont notice.

Since Arfur was de herro of our last storry, here is a pitcher of him rellaxin wiv a nun. Dis proves he is a preist in good standin, as nuns doesnt rellax wiv ordinnary poeple. In fact dey calls dem "Sexxist pigg" and knees dem in de grion, as Bosco found out when he asked a nun to pose for a saucy pitcher for his luvvly blogg.

Dem wuonds is hard to explane, but perhaps Arfur and de nunn has been havvin a punch-up, frankkly Arfur can start a punch-up in an empty room. Maybe he asked her if she wuold like to learn about de Custardy of de Eyes.

Bosco had dis brillaint idea to steal de collectoin from de local Cathlic churhc. He explaned to me dat every dime dey put in de plate goes to support pervy preists, because de Pop likes em. It seems dat de Cathlics doesnt give money to de widdows and orhpans any more, or even de starvin milloins in Affrica, it all goes to dem costtume holly men. Bosco finks dat if he can pinch de money, den he can put it to a much better use, like a new Royce Rolls for Pastor Ise-Milk of de Calumny Chappel.

"Dere's a morral vaccum in de Cathlic church," said Anti Moly, "So it will be only fair to take all de collectoin money and buy gin wiv it."

But I had a worryin thuoght. "Aint steelin wrong, Bosco dere?" I asked. "Aint it against de 10 comanddments in de book of Exeters?"

"Eccles, you dimwit," said Bosco. "Dere is only 1 comanddment, do not make gravven immages. De uvvers is optoinal for us wot is alreddy saved, and in fact we fink it is bad manners to mentoin dem."

Havvin explaned dis sutble thoelogical point to me, Bosco had de brilliant iddea to disgiuse ourselves as nuns, becuase dey is always welcome in Cathlic churches. Dis is Bosco's costtume, I fink he will be able to slip in unnotticed, dont you?

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.

On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.

"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.

Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.

I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.