Cardinal Nichols shocks the world

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, the so-called "Pope's fruitcake", shocked the world today by celebrating a totally orthodox and traditional Mass. Said one eye-witness, "I came to Westminster Cathedral expecting to attend one of his famous 'gay' masses, but he used the traditional Latin liturgy, and even seemed to understand what most of it meant."

Vincent Nichols rejected the traditional "Farm Street" vestments.

Apparently, as a concession to the cardinal's Liverpudlian roots, the communion anthem was Anfield's Numquam ambulabis solus*, but otherwise there were no innovations. Said our eye-witness "I was expecting to hear a reading from the epistle of Tina Beattie to the lost people of Roehampton, or perhaps Michael Coren's Catholics, dontchahatem? or even selections from the Timothy Radcliffe Bumper Book of Heresy, but in fact we had nothing but orthodox Catholic doctrine throughout."

*Use Google translate or ask Fr Hunwicke, if you don't understand this.

Cruel words about Michael Coren.

Things became even more shocking at the communion stage, when a homosexual couple was told that they could not take communion. "We had just said the bit about 'Domine, non sum dignus', when the cardinal interrupted with, 'That means you, buster. Clear off!'"

Vincent Nichols concluded the Mass by processing down the aisle to the bookstall, where there were huge piles of unsold copies of the Tablet. "By the powers granted to me as a Prince of the Church, I banish thee to the Pit from whence thou came!" he cried, and sure enough a mighty wind blew up and swept all the copies of the wretched publication back to the depths of Hammersmith. "Result!" shouted the Cardinal, this being the traditional way of concluding the Rite of Exorcism.

Cardinal Burke congratulates Cardinal Nichols on his performance.

Said Deacon Nick Donnelly, a prominent retired blogger: "This is dynamite! Thank goodness that Bishop Arnold and Bishop Campbell caused my blog to be voluntarily shoved down my throat! I wouldn't have known what to say!"

Late news: Vincent Nichols is said to be feeling unwell.

Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.

Pope's new exorcise video

It is generally agreed that exorcism of demons is best performed by senior clergy. In the Catholic church it requires a bishop's permission - otherwise priests and deacons have been known to get carried away, attempting to expel demons from cats, rice puddings and bicycles. So it should come as no surprise that Pope Francis has been seen engaging in the practice of exorcism.

I command the spirit of Hans Küng to quit this child!

For dealing with those who are only slightly possessed, Pope Francis has invented an alternative ritual.

So, demon, if I win at scissors-paper-stone, you agree to leave this woman alone?

For highly-connected people, Pope Francis has been known to attempt exorcisms on demand.

So, Miss Biden, how long do you think that your brother has been possessed by demons?

Of course, Pope Francis is not the first to practice exorcism. Pope Benedict XVI also had to confront the evil done by demons who attacked Christianity.

When dealing with the worst demons, Pope Benedict always stood safely inside a pentagram.

How to exercise poeple

Farver Arfur de preist in good standin rushed ruond to our huose, where my Anti Moly was scremin dat she needed exercising. For dem what doesnt understand de probblems she was havvin I shuold explain dat sometimes her speech was full of vile, sattannic obscenitties. Well, dat's normmal, but at uvver times her vioce changed and her speech was much milder and pollite, so we susspected dat a Fuol Fiend was posessin her.

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I IS IN TORMMENT!" shouted Anti Moly in a deep vioce. Then she continued "Eccles you is a bitter, offenssive, rude, ill-mannered, cruel, unkind, anggry, traddy sockpoppet!" much as normmal when she is in a good mood wiv me.

"Ullo," said Arfur. "I is a preist in good standin. Damain Thopmson will be writin a specail blogg about my martrydom one of dese days, when a letter from Monsingor Ooglebleep, de Bishop of Pluto, reaches him. You is not a umble servant of de Lord like I is, I got a gold meddle for bein umble. I wears it on Sunddays."

To our surpprise a demmon appeared next to Anti and said "YOU IS NOT A PREIST. WE DEMMONS KNOWS A REEL PREIST WHEN WE SEES ONE."

"Ullo, Mr Demnos," I said. "You has changed appearrance since yesterdday. You looks nastier."

"I HAS BEEN IN TORMMENT INSIDE DE SUOL OF MOLY BENDITE!" said de demmon. "IT MAKES DE SULFURR LAKES OF HELL SEEM QUITE NICE BY COMPARRISON."

"Fuol creecher! Go back to de Hellish place from which you came!" shouted Farver Arfur.
"I doesn't want to go back to Pottymouth," complaned Anti Moly. "De poliss said dey would lock me up if I went back."
"Not you, woman! I was talking to de uvver Fuol Fiend!" snarled Arfur. "Right! I got de bell, de book and de canddle. Dis is what we preists is told to use."

"What's de book like?" asked Bosco. "Does de author mentoin dat all Cathlics is mass murderrers?"
"Well, I doesnt have any Bibbles - we doesnt use dem in my churhc - but I brought what I fought was gonna be de story of our Saviuor, one of de gratest men wot ever lived," said Farver Arfur. "De man wot saved de world's econnomy from riun. But it seems to be about a man who spent his time kickin fings."

"DAT WAS GORDON BROWN ALL RIGHT," said Demnos. "WE READ ABOUT HIM IN DE DEMMONIC TELLEGRAHP. EVEN WE DEMONS DOESNT THROW MOBBILE PHONES AT POEPLE. NOW, EVEN IF YOU AINT A PREIST, SEND ME HOME. I CANT STAND ANY MORE OF DIS DAME."

Farver Arfur rang de bell, lit de canddle, and read out a bit from de book: "Och aye, we wuz in de Jolly Sporran pub celebbratin oor 30 nill defeet o' Haggistoon in de Rabbi Burns Memmorial Trophy..."

At dis momment de Fuol Fiend disappeared compleetly (I mean Demnos, not my Anti Moly, who was still dere), cryin, "DIS IS TOO BORIN FOR ME."

"I told you I was a reel preist," said Farver Arfur. "We is now gonna take a collection for my expennses."
"No we aint, you sockpoppet!" said Anti. "You has drivven away de only pusson who reely understood me."

It sure aint easy savin poeple.

Anti needs exercisin

We is still havin trubble wiv Anti Moly. We fought dat she was enjoyin a nihgt of passion wiv a chap who calls hisself Demnos de Fuol Fiend (dere was shouts and screems all de nihgt, even more dan dere usually is when she's bloggin), but we may have got dis wrong.

She came down to brekfast, where Bosco and me was tuckin into our brekfast serials, Wheety Halos, which is wot saved poeple eat, as good prepparation for when we wears halos in Heavven.

In fact Bosco was tellin me an interrestin story about how he once spent 2 minutes at de Musuem of Torcher in Dissneyland, and how a giant duck appeared and said "Ullo, I is Donnald." Bosco ran away in fear, dis told him all he ever needed to know abuot de Cathlic churhc, dey scares poeple wiv giant ducks.

We was greeted wiv a "Mornin, cobbers!" from Anti Moly in her usaul screechy vioce. Den she continued, "YAHAHAHAHA, WE IS DEMNOS AND WE IS IN CONTROL," in a much deeper vioce.

"Is you practisin ventrilloquims, Anti? You can use Eccles as your dummy," said Bosco, showin a most un-bruvverly atittude towards someone who is just as saved as he is. "Or is you speekin in tongues as we saved poeple does, like sometimes I does a good impressonation of Addolf Hittler?"

"I fink it's a sockpoppet, Bosco," I said. "Anti is prettendin to be Alfred Hadock again."

Just den de tellephone rang. "Hello, I is a preist in good standin," said a familliar vioce. "I does blessins, curses, conffessions, weddins, funnerals, exercisms, grave diggin, dog-walkin, light garddenin duties and small plubming jobs at cut-price rates. I has got singed tetsimonials from Collonel Gaddaffi and de Pop in Avingon to say dat I is a reel preist. Wuold you like to buy some sharres in de Vennezeulan Dodo-farmin Company? Dey is sure to go up, dodo meat is very poppular these days."

"I AM DEMNOS FROM THE DEEP PITS OF HELL," boomed Anti Moly, then, "Traddy RC sockpoppet click, pretty sad, eh?" in her usaul vioce.

"You got someone dere who needs exercisin," said Farver Arfur. "As a preist in good standin I is traned to recoggnise de symtpoms. I has even got me own bell, book and candle. I will come ruond later. Keep de pattient under seddation wiv lots of gin, but save some for me too."

So we is waitin for furver devellopments.

We aint had many phottos of Bosco lately, so here he is hidin in a drane. What he does is shout "YOU AINT SAVED BUSTER, JESSUS IS LOOKIN FOR YOU" at de kids goin to school. Dey fink it's a vioce from Heavven, and some of de kids bursts into tears and runs away screemin. De kid we got here is just about to be sick into de drane, well Bosco, de path of rightoeusness aint always easy, is it?

Anti Moly's belloved

Fings seemed to be settling down a bit wiv us. Bosco was improvvin his mind by readin "De Big Boy's Book of Cathlic Crimes". Dis told him dat de Pop wears red shoes so dat it don't show if he treads in a pool of blud when visitin de Vattican torcher chambbers. It explanes a mysterry dat has obssessed Anti Moly for a long time.

De book also has a famuous photo of two Cathlics with a pithcfork, dey is gonna torment poor innocent poeple who only wants to be saved, by pokin dem wiv it. Dey finks it will make dem holey.

Wot a pair of misery gutts, if dey was saved dey would dress up as clowns like Bosco does. Also dey wuold smile a bit.

Anyway, last nihgt we heard screemin and luod conservations comin from Anti Moly's room. Dis is quite usaul when she is bloggin and has an all-nihgt meltdown, but de strange fing is dat dere was anuvver deeper vioce accompanyin her screems.

Bosco and me stood outside her door, wonderin what to do.

"Eccles, do you fink dat Cradinal Pell have come back to claim de hand of our dere Anti?" Bosco asked. "Perhapps he is fedd up wiv bein a costume holly man and wants to sample de delihgts of de flesh."

"Well it cant be Herrman Gorring," I said, "cos I fink he's dead. What uvver admirrers did she have?"

"YOU IS MINE. YOU IS ALL MINE." said de deep vioce in Anti Moly's bedroom. "I WANTS TO POSESS YOU. YAHAHAHAHA!"

"You is an attention-seekin bore from de click of traddie RCs and de armies of sockpoppets. Pretty sick, eh?" screeched my dere Anti Moly.

"Dis sure is a romanttic conservation dey is havin," I said to Bosco. "Anti Moly aint usually as affecttionate as dat."

We was very currious to see what Anti's new suiter might look like, so we knokced on the door and went in. Dis was de chap wot was talkin to my dere rellative.

He seemed to me like an uggly-lookin chap, but I spose dat Anti can't be too choosy. I greeted him as I greets all new poeple.

"Ullo, sir, I is Eccles and I is saved. Plaesed to meet you. Is you Cradinal Pell?"

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I HAS COME TO POSESS DE SUOL OF MOLLY BENDITE. YAHAHAHAHA!"

I didnt quite see what he was luaghin at, but den I doesnt often see jokes. Bosco and me crept out leavin de lovebirds billin and cooin toggether. I fuoght I heard Anti Moly cry "HELP! EXERCISSE ME!" as I left, but bein a cleen-minded lad who is saved I aint gonna specculate on what she was doin in her bedroom wiv Mr Demnos.