The Screwball Letters

A letter from a senior demon to a junior one.

With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?

Dear Slugknees,

I really must congratulate you on the success you are having with the man in your charge. Allotting you the New York cardinal as a client has given you a relatively easy task, of course - you cannot expect him to write pornography, to embezzle money, to hold cocaine-fuelled orgies, or to obsessively persecute those who worship the Enemy in traditional ways, as some of the other cardinals do, but there are still plenty of other opportunities for him to come into our power.

Your client falls into bad company.

As you know, I am a recognised authority on leading people away from the Enemy - I have led my own client, a Jesuit who lives in the same city as your man, into an obsession with "LGBT rights" - as he calls them - and he has gone so far away from the Enemy's teachings that he even refers to men in wigs and dresses as "she/her"! So you will be delighted to receive this praise from your dear Uncle Spiderspleen!

Anyway, I see from the Fallen Angel Herald that your man's cathedral was recently desecrated by the funeral of a "trans" person, which was riddled with sacrilege from start to finish. Rather than apologise and make a public act of contrition, he is blustering and excusing himself. When we can persuade sinners to brush aside their sins like that, our battle for their souls is nearly won!

My own man was invited to St Patrick's, but he was busy elsewhere.

I particularly liked the way your protégé said "People are sick of hearing about it, aren't they?" when questioned - we always encourage people to bypass the "Forgive us our sins" part of that grossly offensive "Enemy's Prayer" and simply forgive their own trespasses!

Also his "We didn't know the background, we don't do FBI checks on people who want to be buried" was stunning. I didn't realise that there were people who came to him saying "I want to be buried", but then I have never fully understood the human race. It is probably no more eccentric than saying "I want to change sex", I guess. (I'm sorry, they call it "gender" these days, don't they? Another of our successes!)

"I am the Lord of the Dance," said he.

As you have no doubt realised, our man has an obsessive need to be popular. He may once have had principles of his own, but you are keeping them suppressed by making him scared of offending any politicians, LGBT activists, etc. in case he is no longer invited to their dinners.

I really liked the way he defended himself when asked to discipline Governor Cuomo, who like that other "devout Catholic" Biden is one of our greatest triumphs in the campaign to lure Catholics into promoting abortion. Remember what he said?

"I say to the people, 'What are you all looking at Daddy here for?... I don't have much clout, some fat, Irish, balding bishop, talking about defending the Church?... people are going to say 'Ho Hum!'"

Perfect, my dear Slugknees! I don't suppose you can help him to become Pope when our present chap finally goes to his reward? If we can't give the job to Tucho, then maybe your man would be an acceptable alternative. We do need our men in positions of power!

Yours infernally,

Uncle Spiderspleen.

How to organize a Yoof Synod

Yet another episode in our long-running series on how to be a good pope. Remember, if they elected Francis as pope, they might easily elect you, so be prepared!

As scandals rage around you - Chile, China, the USA, the Vatican - it makes for a useful distraction if you have a Yoof Synod running. Ask your dear friend Cardinal Baldfacedliar to write the full documents of the synod well in advance, and stick a "Magisterial" label on them. Don't under any circumstances allow anyone to know what was actually agreed during the synod - it will bear no relation to Baldy's final document, anyway.

Two versions of the Synod Logo.

Now, you need to have a few Yoof in the Synod, say 10% of the number present. Ignore "Uncle Fred" if he telephones you asking you to pick some good-looking ones - it will only get you into trouble. Of course all the decisions will be made by bishops who know what the Yoof want - or, more precisely, by Baldy in consultation with some of your top advisers - so ignore any requests for orthodox teaching, the Mass of their forefathers, or indeed anything religious. Instead, make sure you address LGBT issues, climate change, and plastic straws, as these are the things that Yoof lose sleep over.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ jets in.

Now you need to get down wiv da Yoof, even if you aren't really going to take any notice of them. Perhaps you could invite some young Catholic rock stars that you know they like - Bono, Cliff Richard, Mick Jagger? Your mentor Cardinal Kasper says that they're all fans of Harry Potter - which is all about the fat wizard Dolandore, Professor McCarrickall, Severus Snapero, and the man we all love to hiss, Viganomort. You see where this is leading?

Get yourself a witches' stang!

In the old days pre-2013, the bishop's crozier was modelled on a shepherd's crook, with the stupid outdated traddy idea that pastors were in some sense shepherds of their sheep. Nowadays we prefer to channel the spirit of Saruman, or Radagast, or paganism in general. So get yourself a trusty witches' stang, and the Yoof will think you are "ace", "cool" and "groovy" (modern English Yoof slang courtesy of Cardinal Nichols!)

Now all synods have committees, and your hope is that these will keep the bishops sober and make them believe they are influencing the Synod. But here comes a snag! Cardinal Sarah-Jane, the man waiting in the wings for you to pop off, has refused to serve on one of them! He cites "personal reasons" but you know that what he's really thinking is: "When I become Pope I'm going to declare this Synod invalid." This is tricky, we must think of more ways to humiliate him (cf. Burke, Müller, Festing, etc.)

And now - let's party with a demon!

The Yoof have written you a letter saying that what they would really like would be for you to celebrate a traditional Latin Mass, with Gregorian chant. But Baldy has "lost" this letter, and reconstructed it from memory - so officially what they want is to go "clubbing". Invite in some more young idols of the yoof - say, Paul McCartney, the ever-young Madonna (age 94), and even that good Catholic Cher. This will keep them quiet, and you can Carry on Synodding.

To be continued?

Demon complains about being silenced

Judaea, AD 30.

The celebrity demon Nitram, who was scheduled to possess the soul of Mr Rusay, a local pastor, has complained about the actions of "that rad-trad, far-right Jesus", who has cancelled his speaking engagement and sent him down to the pits of Hell.

"All I wanted to do was build bridges."

Nitram, a prominent Demoncrat supporter who has publicly stated "Don't believe what they say about the Last Trump," is well known for his outspoken views on religion. His speaking engagement, occupying the soul of Mr Rusay, would have allowed him to put out a stream of blasphemy and heresy. Following an online petition (anyone know what this is? Some sort of prayer? St Mark doesn't say) Jesus was called in to cancel this engagement.

However, all is not lost, as Nitram's talk on "Why Jesus was a great sinner until he met the Canaanite woman, but that's not a problem" has been rescheduled for the Lake of Fire Lecture Theatre, where he expects a warm welcome.

Begone to the Tablet!

Supporters of Nitram, including H'gierevi of Crux and Legion of the National Catholic Reporter, have also complained about far-right rad-trad campaigns designed to reinforce Christian teaching. The debate for the soul of Catholicism continues.

I stand by Fr James Martin SJ!

Today's big question is the following: if someone is demonically possessed, should we stop them from speaking in church? Fr James Martin SJ has received another ban, this time from Our Lady of Lourdes Church, in the Diocese of Metuchen, NJ, and it all seems dreadfully unfair. Luckily the talk will still go ahead, probably at the sewage farm in French Town, NJ, the most appropriate venue they could find.

Standing by our most famous alt-Jesuit.

Contrast that cruelty with today's Gospel, where Our Lord met a man possessed by an unclean spirit. Actually, the man's teaching was less controversial than Fr Jim's stuff: for example, he said, "I know who You are: the Holy One of God!" Not something you'd expect Fr Jim to say. Of course, St Mark may have missed out some details: perhaps the possessed man was also telling anyone who would listen that the Holy Spirit was female, or that Jesus should go and chat to a Canaanite woman to find out what His real mission was. You can't mention every detail.

The point is that Jesus didn't try to shut him up, or move him to another venue, he simply used dialogue, and built bridges with the man. "Be quiet! Come out of him!" was the formula. The demon left the man, and went into a herd of Jesuits grazing nearby, who rushed down the hill and - I'm sorry, I seem to have turned over two pages at once.

Be quiet! Come out of him!

So, being known for our mercy, we stand by Fr Jim. Probably with a megaphone, so that we can shout COME OUT OF HIM! whenever the great man starts to speak.

We should note that Fr Jim blames his downfall on a far-right website named "Tradition, Family and Property." You have to watch out for these far-right fascists, in their black shirts (or shorts), shouting "What do we want? Tradition! Family! Property!" when what they should have asked for was "Modernism! LGBT relations! Ruin!" Yes, again Martin hits the nail on the head.

Fr Spode of the Black Shorts tells off Fr James Martin.

We are also told that "another far-right online site that traffics in hate and is similarly obsessed with homosexuality" is Church Militant. Obsessed with homosexuality, unlike Fr James Martin SJ, you notice. The picture below, of its leading light, Michael Voris, shows the depths of shame and degradation to which Church Militant has sunk.

In a shameless act of right-wing hatred, Voris eats an Eccles cake.

Remember that Fr James Martin SJ is an adviser to Pope Francis, and so, by association, is mostly infallible. Of course he is.

My daughter is a Satanist: should I be worried?

Our agony aunt, Ella Rislim, answers your ethical questions for Crux.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter is obsessed with the occult, like many healthy nine-year-olds. Recently, she has been conducting seances in her bedroom, inviting Madame E. Curti, a local medium, to summon up the spirits of dead people. Last week, for example, she conjured up her Uncle Albert, Charlie Chaplin, and Mgr Basil Loftus (the last was rather a surprise until we realised that his soul had long since parted company from his body).

A perfectly normal interest for a young child.

So far there have been no ill effects apart from the fact that her bedroom smells strongly of ectoplasm and the cat has disappeared. Oh - and there was the unfortunate incident when her best friend encountered the demon Melbrinionon-sadsazzer-steldregandish-feltselior and was carried off down to Hell. We are faithful Catholics, regular readers of Crux, and great fans of Pope Francis. Do you see a problem with this?

Auntie Ella writes: It is good for children to have a hobby. Admittedly the Catholic Church warns against occultism, conjuring up spirits, cosying up to demons, and playing around with the supernatural. But after all, Tolkien was a Catholic, and nobody ever told him off for writing those books of his!

Tolkien - wrote about wraiths and spirits.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My teenage son Victor has started to take an interest in grave-robbing, and has formed a fine collection of body parts. He tells me that he is just one spleen and three bones short of making a complete monster, which he proposes to animate the next day we have a thunderstorm. As a pious Catholic who attends Mass every Christmas, should I feel concerned?

Auntie Ella writes: This is perfectly normal activity for a Catholic teenager. However, I should check that the wiring in your house is safe, as we don't want him to start a fire, do we?

The monster offers to help in the garden.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter Catherine sleeps in a coffin during the day time, and goes out only at night "for a drink", as she puts it. Also she keeps dozens of bats in her bedroom. I am worried that this pattern of behaviour is causing her to neglect her studies, and she may fail to get into Oxford University. As a faithful Catholic, what should I do?

Auntie Ella writes: Do not worry. If she can't make it into Oxford, she might try Roehampton.

An anxious moment waiting for A level results.

Dear Auntie Ella,
My daughter has been reading Crux and taking advice from its agony aunt. Is this wise?

Auntie Ella writes: Er, well....

Do mention the war

This is a very ecumenical blog: we have occasionally featured guest contributions from Anglicans, Calvary Chapel worshippers, Atheists - even liberal Catholics. Thus, to mark the centenary of World War I (at least as far as the British Empire was concerned) we decided to invite a contributor who could be suitably enthusiastic about war and bloodshed. So please welcome Slugtrousers the minor demon!

Our guest blogger.

Thanks, Eccles, it's great to have an opportunity to present my views here: obviously many readers will have read some of my contributions to the Guardian and the Tablet, and heard me on the BBC's Thought for the Day - I've been invited to blog for the Telegraph as well - but appearing on Eccles's site must be the highlight of anyone's career.

Well, as a demon, I must say that World War I was a spectacular success. Starting with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria - a man known for his fine moustache, but scarcely of any great interest to the average Briton - we managed to persuade numerous countries, including Austria-Hungary, Russia, Germany, France, Britain and their empires, and (eventually) the USA to sacrifice millions of young men in the most pointless way possible.

Franz Ferdinand, who missed the best bits of the war.

So after killing off about 16 million people, those silly humans decided to call it the "War to End All Wars". Well, we couldn't have that, could we? So we kept the pot boiling - World War II was another highlight, I remember (40 million or so, but we managed to spread them around the world better, rather than concentrating them in Europe). Of course, it's been a bit quiet recently - yes, 2 or 3 million in the Congo War of 1998 is encouraging, but they were only Africans, so they don't make the newspaper headlines, do they?

Checking our records, it seems that the Muslim Conquest of the Indian Subcontinent killed 60 million people, but that was spread over 500 years (say 1000-1525), and people in the West didn't really know what was going on. Chalk up another 30 million during the Mongol conquests, if you like... Good fun, but not likely to be taught in schools when there's Mary Seacole to write essays about!

Mahmud of Ghazni enjoys a poem after a hard day's massacring.

Anyway, that's enough history: let's see how the preparations for World War III are getting along. Russia and Ukraine, yes, a very promising conflict there. Israel and Gaza, yes, with the added bonus that both sides have got some genocidal fanatics playing for them. Then - and you being a Christian, Eccles, you'll enjoy this one - we have the Christians being wiped out by ISIS in the Middle East. I always get a kick out of massacring Christians - they're the real enemy of us demons, you see - and we get extra brimstone on Saturday nights to celebrate their murder.

"Foreign policy is a piece of cake!" says Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

Actually, the world has not been entirely silent over the ISIS massacres. François Hollande, who is normally one of our keenest supporters, has broken ranks and offered asylum to the Kurds. In England, the church of England as a whole seems to think that ordaining women bishops is the answer to all the world's ills; however, some of its male bishops (e.g. Manchester, Worcester, Leeds-Ripon-Wakefield-Bradford-'arrogate-'alifax-'uddersfield) have spoken out about the massacres. On the Catholic side, we've not heard a great deal from Cardinal Nichols: "peradventure he sleepeth," as your man Elijah once put it. The same applies to Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor.*

*But within a few hours of my writing this, Bishop Declan Lang has sprung into action.

"I may be a useless cardinal, but I'm a great cook!"

Well, in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate the human race on the bloodshed of World War I, and all that has happened since then, and to wish all humans well in their future attempts to beat the Hell out of each other. For those who feel like a sing-song now, may I recommend this jolly piece from Flanders and Swann?

No doubt Mars among his chattels has got some really splendid war
Full of bigger and bloodier battles than we've ever enjoyed 
   before.
But until the time occurs, Sir, when that greater war comes on 
   the scene,
The one that I on the whole prefer, Sir, is the war of 14/18!
Yes the one that I still prefer, Sir, is the war of 14/18!

Tobit

Today we have a new recruit to the Eccles Bible Class, namely Graham Norton, a TV "celebrity", who described Catholics defending traditional marriage as "rats trapped in the corner of a barn". In order to help the poor man learn some manners, it was decided that he should come along to this month's lesson, which covers the book of Tobit. Hello, Graham!

Tobit (also called Tebbit).

Now, Graham, we don't have any rats for you in the book of Tobit, although there is a fish that attempts to devour the foot of Tobit's son, Tobias. Some good comes of this, as after overcoming the fish, Tobias is told: If thou put a little piece of its heart upon coals, the smoke thereof driveth away all kind of devils, either from man or from woman, so that they come no more to them. We'll try that one on you later, Graham!

Tobias (also called Toby).

Still, let's start at the beginning. It's a bit of a tangled story, as both T senior and T junior are referred to as Tobias. To avoid confusion, we'll call them Tebbit and Toby (or young Toby). Now they are both righteous chaps, living in exile in the Telegraph blogs Nineveh. Two problems are dealt with in this book:

1. Tebbit goes to sleep under a swallow's nest, gets hot dung in his eyes, and goes blind. I suppose the modern equivalent is watching Graham Norton on television. Only joking, Graham!

2. In faraway Rages, a city of the Medes, a lady called Sara has got problems with demons. Indeed, her seven husbands have been killed by Asmodeus "at their first going in unto her". Don't snigger at the back, there, Fry.

Asmodeus, the demon of lust (from his Facebook page).

So off goes Toby ("On your bike!" says his father, in some translations), and he meets the fish. Fortunately, he is under the protection of the angel Raphael, which means that he is going to win through in the end. He marries Sara, his kinswoman, and drives away the demon by burning the fish's liver in his bedroom. Of course, the bedroom smells of burnt fish for a long time afterwards, but this is a small price to pay for married bliss. Raphael binds the devil, and we hear no more of him. Do spare a thought for Raguel, Sarah's father, who digs a grave for Toby only to find that it isn't needed.

Toby goes back to see Tebbit, and uses the fish's gall to cure his father's blindness. Many years later, Tebbit dies, and Toby leaves Nineveh - which is doomed, as we'll see later when we reach Jonah - to return to the land of the Medes.

Toby and the fish.

Now, this is a great book of fish recipes, but that's not really the point. One of the themes - sorry, Graham, it really isn't your day - is marriage. And when the third night is past, thou shalt take the virgin with the fear of the Lord, moved rather for love of children than for lust, ... that sort of thing. Chapter 4, old Tebbit's advice to young Toby, is also hot on charity, wisdom, avoiding pride, praying, voting Conservative, etc.

Ah, Dawkins, I see your hand is up. I think I know what you're going to say: "Fish gall doesn't cure blindness, there are no such things as demons, or angels. Giving alms isn't going to benefit you personally. There's nothing wrong with a bit of lust." Shall we make it easy for you, as you're a beginner? Look at some of the instructive moral teaching, don't worry too much about the supernatural elements for now - I know they give you a headache - and leave it at that. Oh, and here's your guardian angel to escort you home.

John Cornwell? Doesn't he write rubbish books about popes called Pius?

The Screwball Letters

A letter from a senior demon to a junior one.

With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?

I wish Fr Z. would stop saying "Chap with wings there - five rounds rapid!"

Dear Slugknees,

I am writing in answer to your report on the Catholic woman you're looking after. Congratulations, you are really doing a great job of leading her away from the Enemy, and into the hands of Our Master! You mentioned that she is using Twitter: this is an excellent medium by which she can come into contact with our people. The more dangerous Catholics don't seem to have got their act together over there, so they are unlikely to have any effect on her.

"Cute" is not a word we recognise. Kill, kill, kill!

As you know, abortion was one of our great successes. We've persuaded the human race to kill its own kind, while arguing that it was a step forward in women's rights... and they fell for it! And now even some Catholics are buying into our story. I'm a regular subscriber to a magazine that describes itself as "Catholic", while many of its staff advocate the "right to choose" - oh, we haven't had so much fun leading people astray since they closed the concentration camps!

I've noticed that Twitter is full of pro-lifers repeating "I AM PROLIFE!!!!!! RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO!!!!!" as if this were some sort of key debating point. Naturally, such behaviour simply irritates the more intelligent pro-lifers, and our friends don't even notice it.

Well, I'm so pleased that your woman has joined the "pro-choice" camp - or at least, she is trying to sit on the fence.

Don't worry about the small print - the Devil doesn't buy souls these days.

I gather that your Catholic woman is keen on same-sex "marriage" as well. Politicians, being on the whole self-centred creatures, are naturally allied to our cause, and the rush to legislate SSM is one of those things that's really warmed the heart of our Master (as he warms the hearts - well, bodies - of his human visitors!) With a little help from us, your woman has managed to make contact with a large number of people who define themselves by their sexual desires, without being in the least concerned about it. Of course, for us, same-sex relationships are completely natural, Slugknees, old chap - I gather that you yourself plan to get married to your boyfriend Wormspit next March?

#forgotmytrousersagain

Now, let's take a look at your woman's contributions to Twitter. These really are impressive: she is engaging in obsessive behaviour, has found a good Catholic wife and mother to stalk, harass and insult, and she is causing her a lot of pain. In this she's allied with a gang of atheists and part-time Catholics. The gang is serving us well: for example, some of them write blogs in which they tell everyone how holy they are, and how wonderfully they are serving the Enemy. Of course, they are really serving us, and every lie they tell is an extra victory for our side.

This is the sort of blog we like.

Anyway, keep up the good work: although your woman is self-centred and obsessive, she is totally unaware of that fact, and that's a point we can exploit. It's true that she's not the brightest person on Twitter, and she is easily manipulated, as well as being naturally bossy and bullying. Leading her to Our Master may be rather an easy task! But do be careful, Slugknees, she may make peace with those traditional Catholics she hates so much - the ones who still worry about Good and Evil. She may even start to listen to the teaching of her own Church. If she does that, she could end up being saved, and we will know who to blame, won't we, Slugknees?

Yours infernally,

Spiderspleen.

Oh no! Did you see what X just said on Twitter?

St Ubbs, an Anglican saint

Reprinted from the Indecent newspaper.

Ian Ubbs, vicar of Roderick-under-Glossop

Father Ian Ubbs, the vicar of Roderick-under-Glossop, is one of the most original minds in the Anglican church. His basic philosophy on all matters religious is Christ was wrong.

"For too long the church of England has been treating Christ as if He were some sort of God," explains Father Ian. "In fact, he was a racist homophobic bigot who believed in outmoded ideas such as Good and Evil. Almost every time He opened His mouth he said something stupid."

Jesus heals a blind man. But what was His true agenda?

Our Indecent reporter was naturally delighted to find a priest prepared to deny almost the entirety of Christian teaching - after all, we wouldn't have interviewed him if he'd been willing to put forward a more traditionally orthodox line - and so we asked Father Ian to explain.

"Look at all this nonsense about forgiving sins," scoffs Father Ian. "Over the centuries the Anglican church has evolved into a position where we don't accept the idea of sin. Thus there are only two possibilities here: either Jesus was a complete idiot who was out of touch with reality - or He was pretending that sin exists, in order to deceive people."

"Take up thy bed and walk." Jesus shows His prejudices against disabled people.

"Remember the racist story of the Good Samaritan? Obviously it was designed to insult the Samaritans, by implying that there was only one good one. And the story is also homophobic - all this stuff about pouring oil and wine on the traveller's wounds is obviously a sneering reference to gay massage parlours."

The Wedding at Cana. More homophobic bigotry.

"How about equality and diversity, Father Ian?"

"Well, as a committed Indecent reader, I see equality and diversity as the fundamental concepts in my faith; but Jesus never uses either word. That strongly suggests that we Anglicans have been encouraged to worship the wrong man."

Don't let Jesus see these girls - He was a known misogynist.

Our reporter then raised the issue of women priests, and gay weddings. Father Ian said "I rolled on the floor laughing hysterically when I first received communion from a woman. I shall similarly roll on the floor laughing the first time I officiate at the wedding of a gay couple, whether the Church sanctions it or not."

Although regarded as a conservative in the modern Anglican church, Father Ian is widely expected to be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Casting out demons. Nowadays you would get an ASBO for that.

How to exercise poeple

Farver Arfur de preist in good standin rushed ruond to our huose, where my Anti Moly was scremin dat she needed exercising. For dem what doesnt understand de probblems she was havvin I shuold explain dat sometimes her speech was full of vile, sattannic obscenitties. Well, dat's normmal, but at uvver times her vioce changed and her speech was much milder and pollite, so we susspected dat a Fuol Fiend was posessin her.

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I IS IN TORMMENT!" shouted Anti Moly in a deep vioce. Then she continued "Eccles you is a bitter, offenssive, rude, ill-mannered, cruel, unkind, anggry, traddy sockpoppet!" much as normmal when she is in a good mood wiv me.

"Ullo," said Arfur. "I is a preist in good standin. Damain Thopmson will be writin a specail blogg about my martrydom one of dese days, when a letter from Monsingor Ooglebleep, de Bishop of Pluto, reaches him. You is not a umble servant of de Lord like I is, I got a gold meddle for bein umble. I wears it on Sunddays."

To our surpprise a demmon appeared next to Anti and said "YOU IS NOT A PREIST. WE DEMMONS KNOWS A REEL PREIST WHEN WE SEES ONE."

"Ullo, Mr Demnos," I said. "You has changed appearrance since yesterdday. You looks nastier."

"I HAS BEEN IN TORMMENT INSIDE DE SUOL OF MOLY BENDITE!" said de demmon. "IT MAKES DE SULFURR LAKES OF HELL SEEM QUITE NICE BY COMPARRISON."

"Fuol creecher! Go back to de Hellish place from which you came!" shouted Farver Arfur.
"I doesn't want to go back to Pottymouth," complaned Anti Moly. "De poliss said dey would lock me up if I went back."
"Not you, woman! I was talking to de uvver Fuol Fiend!" snarled Arfur. "Right! I got de bell, de book and de canddle. Dis is what we preists is told to use."

"What's de book like?" asked Bosco. "Does de author mentoin dat all Cathlics is mass murderrers?"
"Well, I doesnt have any Bibbles - we doesnt use dem in my churhc - but I brought what I fought was gonna be de story of our Saviuor, one of de gratest men wot ever lived," said Farver Arfur. "De man wot saved de world's econnomy from riun. But it seems to be about a man who spent his time kickin fings."

"DAT WAS GORDON BROWN ALL RIGHT," said Demnos. "WE READ ABOUT HIM IN DE DEMMONIC TELLEGRAHP. EVEN WE DEMONS DOESNT THROW MOBBILE PHONES AT POEPLE. NOW, EVEN IF YOU AINT A PREIST, SEND ME HOME. I CANT STAND ANY MORE OF DIS DAME."

Farver Arfur rang de bell, lit de canddle, and read out a bit from de book: "Och aye, we wuz in de Jolly Sporran pub celebbratin oor 30 nill defeet o' Haggistoon in de Rabbi Burns Memmorial Trophy..."

At dis momment de Fuol Fiend disappeared compleetly (I mean Demnos, not my Anti Moly, who was still dere), cryin, "DIS IS TOO BORIN FOR ME."

"I told you I was a reel preist," said Farver Arfur. "We is now gonna take a collection for my expennses."
"No we aint, you sockpoppet!" said Anti. "You has drivven away de only pusson who reely understood me."

It sure aint easy savin poeple.

Anti needs exercisin

We is still havin trubble wiv Anti Moly. We fought dat she was enjoyin a nihgt of passion wiv a chap who calls hisself Demnos de Fuol Fiend (dere was shouts and screems all de nihgt, even more dan dere usually is when she's bloggin), but we may have got dis wrong.

She came down to brekfast, where Bosco and me was tuckin into our brekfast serials, Wheety Halos, which is wot saved poeple eat, as good prepparation for when we wears halos in Heavven.

In fact Bosco was tellin me an interrestin story about how he once spent 2 minutes at de Musuem of Torcher in Dissneyland, and how a giant duck appeared and said "Ullo, I is Donnald." Bosco ran away in fear, dis told him all he ever needed to know abuot de Cathlic churhc, dey scares poeple wiv giant ducks.

We was greeted wiv a "Mornin, cobbers!" from Anti Moly in her usaul screechy vioce. Den she continued, "YAHAHAHAHA, WE IS DEMNOS AND WE IS IN CONTROL," in a much deeper vioce.

"Is you practisin ventrilloquims, Anti? You can use Eccles as your dummy," said Bosco, showin a most un-bruvverly atittude towards someone who is just as saved as he is. "Or is you speekin in tongues as we saved poeple does, like sometimes I does a good impressonation of Addolf Hittler?"

"I fink it's a sockpoppet, Bosco," I said. "Anti is prettendin to be Alfred Hadock again."

Just den de tellephone rang. "Hello, I is a preist in good standin," said a familliar vioce. "I does blessins, curses, conffessions, weddins, funnerals, exercisms, grave diggin, dog-walkin, light garddenin duties and small plubming jobs at cut-price rates. I has got singed tetsimonials from Collonel Gaddaffi and de Pop in Avingon to say dat I is a reel preist. Wuold you like to buy some sharres in de Vennezeulan Dodo-farmin Company? Dey is sure to go up, dodo meat is very poppular these days."

"I AM DEMNOS FROM THE DEEP PITS OF HELL," boomed Anti Moly, then, "Traddy RC sockpoppet click, pretty sad, eh?" in her usaul vioce.

"You got someone dere who needs exercisin," said Farver Arfur. "As a preist in good standin I is traned to recoggnise de symtpoms. I has even got me own bell, book and candle. I will come ruond later. Keep de pattient under seddation wiv lots of gin, but save some for me too."

So we is waitin for furver devellopments.

We aint had many phottos of Bosco lately, so here he is hidin in a drane. What he does is shout "YOU AINT SAVED BUSTER, JESSUS IS LOOKIN FOR YOU" at de kids goin to school. Dey fink it's a vioce from Heavven, and some of de kids bursts into tears and runs away screemin. De kid we got here is just about to be sick into de drane, well Bosco, de path of rightoeusness aint always easy, is it?

Anti Moly's belloved

Fings seemed to be settling down a bit wiv us. Bosco was improvvin his mind by readin "De Big Boy's Book of Cathlic Crimes". Dis told him dat de Pop wears red shoes so dat it don't show if he treads in a pool of blud when visitin de Vattican torcher chambbers. It explanes a mysterry dat has obssessed Anti Moly for a long time.

De book also has a famuous photo of two Cathlics with a pithcfork, dey is gonna torment poor innocent poeple who only wants to be saved, by pokin dem wiv it. Dey finks it will make dem holey.

Wot a pair of misery gutts, if dey was saved dey would dress up as clowns like Bosco does. Also dey wuold smile a bit.

Anyway, last nihgt we heard screemin and luod conservations comin from Anti Moly's room. Dis is quite usaul when she is bloggin and has an all-nihgt meltdown, but de strange fing is dat dere was anuvver deeper vioce accompanyin her screems.

Bosco and me stood outside her door, wonderin what to do.

"Eccles, do you fink dat Cradinal Pell have come back to claim de hand of our dere Anti?" Bosco asked. "Perhapps he is fedd up wiv bein a costume holly man and wants to sample de delihgts of de flesh."

"Well it cant be Herrman Gorring," I said, "cos I fink he's dead. What uvver admirrers did she have?"

"YOU IS MINE. YOU IS ALL MINE." said de deep vioce in Anti Moly's bedroom. "I WANTS TO POSESS YOU. YAHAHAHAHA!"

"You is an attention-seekin bore from de click of traddie RCs and de armies of sockpoppets. Pretty sick, eh?" screeched my dere Anti Moly.

"Dis sure is a romanttic conservation dey is havin," I said to Bosco. "Anti Moly aint usually as affecttionate as dat."

We was very currious to see what Anti's new suiter might look like, so we knokced on the door and went in. Dis was de chap wot was talkin to my dere rellative.

He seemed to me like an uggly-lookin chap, but I spose dat Anti can't be too choosy. I greeted him as I greets all new poeple.

"Ullo, sir, I is Eccles and I is saved. Plaesed to meet you. Is you Cradinal Pell?"

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I HAS COME TO POSESS DE SUOL OF MOLLY BENDITE. YAHAHAHAHA!"

I didnt quite see what he was luaghin at, but den I doesnt often see jokes. Bosco and me crept out leavin de lovebirds billin and cooin toggether. I fuoght I heard Anti Moly cry "HELP! EXERCISSE ME!" as I left, but bein a cleen-minded lad who is saved I aint gonna specculate on what she was doin in her bedroom wiv Mr Demnos.