Catholic Herald to merge with Hello!

Following the departure of the Catholic Herald's UK editor, Luke Coppen, to pastures new, and the collapse of the magazine's US edition - allegedly because the editorial board wanted the magazine to be cosy and uncontroversial, while the staff wanted to smite the unsaved - it has been announced that the CH will be merging with Hello!

In the first issue of the new soaraway Catholic Hello! we shall see:

* Top Catholic Ted McCarrick shows us round his delightful beach house.

* Vatican expert Cardinal Coccopalmerio advises us on the best way to get "high".

* Cardinal Kasper tells us of six new heresies that he thought of before breakfast.

Pope Francis advises us on protective masks against the Corona virus.

* Father James Martin SJ demonstrates some of the main postures used in Ignatian Yoga, and invites us to a Catholic LGBT retreat in San Francisco.

* Top dictator Xi Jinping explains how Chinese Catholics can be "good citizens" (© Pope Francis), and shows us round the charming labour camps where the less good citizens are being made comfortable.

"I was only a 7-stone weaking until I discovered Catholicism."

* England's worst bishop, John Arnold, asks "Is Greta Thunberg the new St Bernadette?"

* Celebrity biographer Austen Ivereigh guides us round his extensive collection of Pachamama idols.

* Finally, we ask, how will top Catholic sex symbols Joe Biden and Massimo Faggioli be celebrating Amoris Laetitia week (formerly called Holy Week)?

Hari Potter

Well de plan to cure my belloved bruvver Bosco of his concusion is continuin. Today he told me to call him Danniel and said he was gonna go into a lions den and de Lord would prottect him. We aint got a lions den howevver, de nearest place wiv wild creaturs is Anti Moly's beddroom, so Bosco knokced on de door and went in. "Go away!" screemed Anti Moly. "I gotta make some urggent coments on Cristinna Oddone's blogg, she's a woman and a sort of Cathlic so dat's fair game." Bosco he quacked with fear but de Lord was wiv him and he stayed in de lions den and began to sing a piuos hynm. De next fing he knew his ears was bein nailed to de wall, dats a trick de lions never managged I fink. It aint fun bein a Danniel, is it Bosco?

In order to rellax Bosco we took him to see a movvie at de cinnema, it was Hari Potter and de Deafly Hellos. I need to explane dis.
1. Hari is de Brittish spellin, I seen dat name a lot lately.
2. Deafly Hellos are relicks like Cathlics worhsip. Dey even got a maggazine called Hello wiv iddles in it.

We wanted to take Grate-Anti Moly wiv us, but dey stopped her at de door and said "We aint havin peeple dressed up as Volldemot comin into our cinnema, we got enuogh trubble wiv hooliganns already".
"She aint dressed up as Volldemot," explaned Bosco. "Dats her normal appearrance."
No good, dey wouldn't let her in, and anyways Anti said she cuoldnt really spare 3 hours away from de bloggs, in case she missed a good fihgt.

So Bosco and me went in wivvout Anti. I cant tell you whevver its Hari Potter or Volldemot wot wins, cos I never worked it out. All I will reveel is dat we neerly got frown out becuase Bosco kept shoutin out "Hari! You aint saved! Dem relicks is evil!" Dis shows dat he is nearly cured.

After de movvie Bosco he decidded he was very hungry and he invited some freinds from de Calumny Chappel round for a big dinner. Here dey is in speshul feastin clothes.

Wot I dont understand is dat someon have written "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall. Bosco is very upset, and we is gonna have to e-mail Jessus to make sure dat dis was only a jokke. Cos we is both saved, aint we, Bosco?