Relics of Diarmuid Martin go on display

Bishop Philip Egan of Portsmouth has confirmed that the relics which arrived at Southampton today pertain to Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin, and not, after all, to Blessed Louis and Zélie Martin, the parents of St Thérèse of Lisieux. Apparently, this was a "replacement item", delivered when the real relics were out of stock.

Archbishop Martin - his relics were delivered by mistake.

It is normally considered "bad form" to open the box and see what the relics actually consist of, but in this case an exception was made and it was discovered that what had been delivered was the lost backbone of Archbishop Martin. This was reported missing earlier today, when the good archbishop declared that, although he himself would vote against same-sex "marriage", he had no wish to stuff his religious views down other people’s throats. After all, it's not an archbishop's job to give moral leadership and guidance (ask Vincent Nichols!)

Bishop Egan has declared himself dissatisfied with the replacement item, feeling that the archbishop's spine is unlikely to be truly an object of veneration, nor indeed capable of working minor miracles.

Not a very sacred relic.

Meanwhile, other prominent Irish Catholics have entered the "same-sex marriage" debate, including the silenced Red Emptyhead, Tony Flummery. Faithful to the Vatican's command Pone soccum in eo, O Antoni ("put a sock in it, Tony"), Fr Flummery has maintained a dignified silence, talking only to the trees and his pet rat, O'Connor. However, lacking any concrete guidance from Archbishop Martin, a man whom he deeply reveres, it seems that Fr Flannery will probably vote "yes" in accordance with Enda Kenny's wishes.

"Another text from Satan. What can he want now?"

The confessions of Isobel Brownlie.

Finally, in Northern Ireland, a related issue is the great "gay cake " scandal, in which Judge Isobel "hash" Brownlie came up with a remarkable verdict. Apparently, the Christian-owned Asher's Bakery was obliged to bake a cake which simultaneously infringed the Sesame Street copyright on the puppets Bert and Ernie, promoted a political slogan demanding (illegal) same-sex marriage, and went against their own consciences. A triple whammy, there. Later, Isobel Brownlie was said to have had second thoughts - well, first thoughts, actually - about her verdict and despairingly echoed Pope Francis in saying "Who am I to judge?" Many readers of this blog will also ask themselves "Who is this idiot to judge?"

Judge Isobel Brownlie (or the nearest equivalent I could find).

Novus Ordo Cricket

With apologies to non-Cricketians who may worship the ball that is base, or even subscribe to one of the many cults of the ball called foot.

Following the 1960s Vatican II reforms, the Cricketic Church introduced a Novus Ordo form of its service, which upset many traditionalist worshippers.

Novus Ordo cricket. Note the unusual liturgical vestments.

In the Tridentine form of the service (named after the Council of Trent Bridge), worship was often not deemed to be completed until a "testing" period of 5 days of prayer (or Quinquena) had elapsed.

Father Shepherd knew the correct liturgical gestures.

Typically, the prayers varied over the five days, perhaps along the following lines:

Day 1: Australia batting well. A prayer that the Lord may aid 
his servants Anderson, Swann, and the other bowlers. 
Day 2: Australia declares: Ite. Inningus est, and England bats.
A prayer that the Lord may sustain Cook, Trott, and the
other batsmen.
Day 3: England batting collapses (this is traditional). Readings 
from the book of Job.
Day 4: Australia bats again. A prayer for rain.
Day 5: England, set 947 to win, manage 111 all out. A requiem 
mass for English cricket, including the burning of bails. Ashes 
to ashes...

The veneration of relics is an important part of the Tridentine game.

However, in the Novus Ordo service, some of the dignity and reverence shown in the Tridentine form simply disappeared. The wise theological advice, dig thou in, lad, just stay there for a few days, don't try to score any runs, found in the Gospel of St Geoffrey of Boycott, was replaced by an undignified scramble, as the whole service was rushed through in a matter of hours.

Liturgical dancing - what next?

Still there are hopeful signs for the future, as the Tridentine form of the game is still permitted, and a new generation of worshippers is favouring it. Curiously, some of the Latin terminology used in the older form of the game persists, and even the Novus Ordo service includes phrases such as Howzat? (Latin for "Hath he not transgressed?")

The Lord's temple - pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise.

Finally, whether or not they prefer the Ordinary Form or the Extraordinary Form of the game, Cricketics everywhere will treasure the words of Ezekiel 41:24: And in the two doors on both sides were two little doors, which were folded within each other: for there were two wickets on both sides of the doors.

St Geoffrey of Boycott smites the ungodly.

Liturgical dancing

Doing the can-can in Liverpool Cathedral.

Liturgical dance is a vital component of modern worship - so much more exciting than traddy things like the Gloria or Credo, and much more interesting than the Bishop's Letter (do we really care what he got for Christmas?) Accordingly, we are pleased to publish an excerpt from the new Liverpool Missal, Lord have Mersey!

PRIEST: You put your left leg in.
PEOPLE: You put your left leg out.
PRIEST: In out, in out.
PEOPLE: Shake it all about.
PRIEST: You do the hokey-cokey and you turn around.
PEOPLE: That's what it's all about.

PRIEST: It is indeed what it is all about, and it is 
our duty and our salvation, always and everywhere to
do the hokey-cokey and to turn around...

It is the priest's job to lead the liturgical dancing, as shown here.

The most recent liturgical dance in Liverpool Cathedral was held to celebrate the arrival of the relics of St John Bosco (that name seems strangely familiar). The saint was greeted by that lovely hymn based on Ezekiel 37, to which the whole congregation was invited to dance:

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.
Now hear de word of de Lord.

♫ Your foot-bone's connected to your leg-bone... ♫

Liturgical dancing is here to stay. It has the great advantage that it concentrates the worshippers' minds, not on God, not on the meaning of the Mass, but on everyday things like being "cool" and having "rhythm." Also, it can take place at any point in the service.

No Mass is complete without some people waving cardboard boxes above their heads.

Of course the Anglicans have been doing liturgical dances for years. Here, Archbishop Sentamu of York demonstrates some of the movements to a sceptical Rowan Williams.

♫ Underneath the spreading chestnut tree... ♫

The full video of "Lord have Mersey" is here.

Scottish news

Some Scots confused about sex

Startling news comes from North of the Border, where it has been discovered that many Scots have been confused about which sex is which, all along. Consider the following "Lookalike":

Alex Bastedo, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

Alex Salmond, actor and sex symbol, wears a skirt... male or female?

It has now finally been explained to some of the less alert Scots that the guys in trousers are usually male (use the door marked "Laddies," chaps!) and the guys in skirts are female ("Ladies").

Alex Salmond has decided that the only way to prevent such confusion in future is to allow for the possibility of same-sex "marriage." However, if you are not sure of the sex of your prospective spouse, then do please ask a qualified doctor to advise you, to avoid embarrassment later.

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New job opportunities for Italian clergy

Viva Italia! Green, white and red

Now that the job of Pope is no longer reserved exclusively for Italians, it has been decided that the post of Archbishop of Glasgow will be the main alternative option for high-flyers. In succession to "Don" Mario Conti, the position has now gone to "Don" Philip Tartaglia, Bishop of Paisley.

Is there a Catholic Mafia in Glasgow?

The position of Archbishop of Glasgow was heavily contested amongst the Italian community, and it was a relief that the succession was established without any serious problems. True, there were a few shoot-outs, car bombs, and garottings, but this is considered to be normal at Masses in Glasgow. It has been agreed in principle that the next Archbishop of Glasgow will come from the Corleone family.

Over in Paisley, life is much quieter, as this picture shows.

A tastefully-dressed resident of Paisley on his way to Mass

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Veneration of relics

The false teeth of Eccles's "Anti Moly," now widely regarded as a sacred relic, continue to make their way round the country, to be venerated by pious Catholics. Here they are seen in Edinburgh, surrounded by adoring crowds.

Relics transported in a special vehicle, donated by the Pope

So far, very few miraculous events have been attributed to the relics. Anti Moly, the original owner of the teeth, is of course not dead, but she is still behaving very strangely. A few of her recent utterances from Twitter:

I think I must have eaten a bad spider last night. The anti-freeze hides the taste.

Will people stop wishing me good night? I find it offensive. Besides I don't sleep at night. WOEFUL.

Do please say a prayer for Anti Moly's return to sanity.

De relicks of Anti Moly

I aint blogged about my Anti Moly recently, but reggular readers will know dat she was put in a care home after she bit de postman in de leg (a misunderstandin cuased by drinkin too much hair restorrer). It's OK we now has a new postman, and so dey said dat it was time to release Anti Moly.

A team of postmen preparing to deliver a letter to Anti Moly

Anti Moly's time in de care home was a little trubbled, but we aint gonna mentoin that.

Anti Moly's care home after anuvver misunderstandin

De team at Castle Thopmson was very pleased to welcome Anti Moly back, and Will Heaven de Butler invited her to try a new cocktail he had invented, consistin of gin, Delingpol anti-freeze, fresh ferret-blood, and a slice of lemon.

Damain himself is also back home, but dey keeps him in a dark room, only lettin him out once a week to write bloggs about addictoin. We hears loud groans from his room, "Cristina, dey all hates me, you is my only friend," as Muvver Odone de cook brings him his pizza.

"Well, you may be right, Damain," replies Muvver Odone, who aint one to tell lies.

Now we aint yet got to de subject of de blogg, but de story is dat Anti Moly frew her false teef out of de window at a passing Cathlic preist. He had come to interview Damain for De Tabloid, a well-known Cathlic comic full of silly hearsays pretendin to be Cathlic doctrin.

Alas, I aint got a photo of Anti Moly's false teef, but here is an artist's impressoin.

Anti Moly's false teef (artist's impressoin)

We was horrified to see dat de preist, when he recovered consciuosness, cried out "Dis is a gift from de Lord," and took the teef away wiv him. Apparently dem Cathlics like veneratin relics, and de sacred teef of Anti Moly is even now bein taken round de country, so dat poeple can pray to dem.

Apparently, de teef is so used to sayin "Woeful," "Sockpoppet," and "Such is life eh" dat dey can now say dese spiritaul phrases even when dey aint in de mouf of my belloved Anti. Dis may be described as a miracule, and maybe my Anti will be saved after all.

Anti Moly is drownin her sorrows in de usual way, and stayin up late to insult poeple on Damain's latest blogg (which, surprisingly, is about addictoin again). We has ordered some new false teef from de Pottymouth Crocodile Centre, where she got de last ones, and dey will soon arrive in de post, if any postman is brave enuogh to delliver em.

Relliquarry containin Anti Moly's false teef, decorated wiv St George and de Dragon

Cuttley takes charge

We has had a very excittin day, as de famuous cellebritty novellist Cuttley came to Lost Angels to sing copies of his grate postmoddern novel, "Thopmson takes charge".

We saw an advert in de local paper sayin dat Cuttley was commin, and advertisin "FREE POT. CANNAPIS FOR EVERY CUSSTOMER". Dey is very fond of Cannapis ruond here, as Damain Thopmson knows, cos he came here last summer to resaerch it.

Anti Moly was very excitted dat de pius saintly pollite culltured devuot and courteuos St Cuttley was commin (she has got a statue of him dat she kisses reggularly). "I gonna get a relick of him," she said, packin her scissors (to cut a lock of hare, or maybe to give him a manic-cure) and a chane saw in case she cuold get a finger or a toe that Cuttley weren't partticularly needin dat day. Dis is a probblem dat saints has, peoples is allways choppin bits off you for souvennirs.

I asked Anti whether Cuttley was gonna be like Tom Jonnes, wiv lotsa excited girls frowing dere underwares at him. "Nope, I is savin dat for when Cradinal Pell comes," she repplied. A lucky escape for Cuttley, I finks.

Dat's Cuttley on his way to de bookshopp in a Cuttleymobile, to protect him from Anti Moly and other fans.

When we got to de bookshopp, dere was a band playin de music "Hale de conqeuring herro comes!" Dis Cuttley chap was very civillised and offered us a glass of Taylor's Vinttage Pot, apparrently it's a drink, and de Cannapies is a sorta little bits of food. Anti Moly got out her chane saw, ready to take some rellics, but Cuttley pollitely declined to cooperrate. "Sorry if I is bein rude to you," he said to Anti Moly, "but I is needin all my bons at de moment. Wuold you like a lock of my hare instedd? I hope I aint bein too discourteuos and outspokken here."

Dis is a pitcher of Cuttley after Anti Moly had finished takin a few locks of his hare. She also got his shirt, but I aint gonna show dat on dis blogg. Dis Cuttley chap he is a laywer, so he can wear a wigg to hide his bladness in court. I fink de jugde aint gonna be so happy if he dont have a shirt on, so I hopes he gotta spare one in his extenssive wardrob.

Anyways, a good time was had by all, and Anti Moly has forgivven Cuttley for an accidental resemblence between her and de gin-sodden Mattron in de book. I expect it was a coincidennce.

Damain Thopmson in Lost Angels

I has editted together de postins I made about Damain's visit to us in May, just before I started dis blogg, since dey may be new to some readers who wants to learn how to be saved like Bosco and me.

Hello dere Damain Thopmson and welcome to Lost Angels on behalf of me and my darlin bruvver Bosco, who will be along in a minnit when we hav stopped him chasin a mouse round de room - dem anti-Catlick tabblets aint doin much good, I muss say. Still at least he is usin de barfroom now, not licking hisself all over when he gits dirty. We is suprised dat you was lookin for de Cannabis Chappel, dats not us, we is de Calumny Chappel, and we'd like to welcom you. Bosco have got a luvly colletcion of iddles dat you can kiss and worhsip, some of wich I bin makin in my sclupture classes. Also de relicks of a reel matryr, a nun who dropped in not expectin to be a matryr liffe is full of suprises innit? See you soon, Damain.

Bosco sugessted to Damain dat he go and see Pastor Armi, hes one of de best guys in de Calamari Chappel. He'll put Damain rihgt about various thoeloggical points, viz, stop kissin iddles and start beeting up nunns.

Shall I tell dem bruvver dere of how we met Damain, who is in Lost Angels rihgt now doin research on donuts addiction? Perhaps de world is not yet reddy for de storry of you bein chassed down de street dressed as a nunn, while Damain told de cops dat he was Cardinal Richeliue, dem donuts sure is strong.

Well, I aint sure dat Damain's gonna be postin a new blogg yet awhile. He met my bruvver Bosco and me in Lost Angles, and den we overdossed on donuts. Bosco he is in hidin until he can change out of dat nunn's costumme (and de nunn is in hidin until she can change out of de Bosco Calumny Chappel clown vestmeants). Damain he is at de copshop explanin dat he aint reely Cardinnal Richeliue its jest a disgiuse he wares for Mass. I was hoppin to git to my sclupture class to make a new iddle, but in fact I am at de hosspital dressed as a nurse and helpin delliver a babby. We droped it on de hed as dat is what hapened to Bosco when he was born and hav you ever seen a finner figgure of a man? Dis may all take some time to sort out.

Here's a photo of Damain dat proofs what I say is true.

It aint easy bein in Lost Angles at de moment I kin tell you. We got Damain Thopmson addicted to dognuts (I is usin de Brittish spelling here), wich is havin a strange affect on him, makin him write bloggs about Achbishops wiv no shirts on. Den my dere bruvver Bosco he is a handfull too, but Mom sez I should kepe an eye on him an if he gets too excitted by de site of nunns, we must pray to de saintts to calm him down. Ah, I has just been infromed dat de guy wiv no shirt aint an Achbishop he's a Pop Iddle called R. Willaims, dats reely bad, Bosco will be worshippin him.

We bin havin a grate time wiv Damain in Lost Angles. He kept sayin "Givvus a gravven immage to bow dowwn to, I is missin dem," but we told him dey was forbiden didnt we, well except for de statues of de saints dat we keeps in our bedrooms to protect us, Bosco. I fink dat we definately got it wrong takin him to de dognut place, and you can tell by his blogg dat he is now in a very confussed state.

We has a lot of worries over my dere bruvver Bosco, his enthumiasms is always runnin away wiv him and we has to keep him under controll. At de momment we is struglingg to find de best meddication for him and dem anti-Catlick pills aint no good nosiree, I has to keep removin de dead mice dat he brings in to de Calumny Chappel, de Pasta hes gitting fed up wiv it. And de birds is worse, we had de Gospell "Is not two sparows sold for a penny?" and Bosco he gits out his money and says "It's nearly lunchtime I'll take a dozen." He aint nothin but wory to his neerest and deerest dats me his little bruvver Eccles.

No more anti-Catlick pills for you my dere Bosco, it aint no fun havin to empty your litter tray every day. Also dem dead birds is very hard to explane to de neigbours. Now dat I got de house tidy we has invitted Damain Thopmson for dinner, you got any idea what Catlicks eat, it can't just be dognuts can it?

Here is a pitcher of de Calumny Chappel picnic, dese social events is very good for de sole.

We has more urggent problems to deal wiv. I don't mean de fack dat de Calumny Chappel was struck by lightnin yesterdday and a big vioce shouted BLASHPEMERS at us, I is sure dere is an inocent explanation, perhaps it is mice. No, we has got to do somethin about our geust Damain, as he has taken off his shirt and is singin unussual songs like "Pray", "I Found Heaven" and "How Deep Is Your Love", I geuss dey is Cathlic hynms but its very annoyin to de neihgbors at 4 a.m. All advise welcome.
P.S. Bosco, Jessus phoned up and wants to borow a bred knive, shall I take it out of de nuns boddy and wash it?

As I explaned abbove, we has got two big probblems to deal wiv:
1) De Calumny Chapel struck by lightnin and de vioce from Heaven saying "GIT RID OF DE SINNER BOSCO OR I'LL DO IT AGIN TOMMOROW."
2) Damain our housegeust who wont stop singeing Cathlic songs at 4 a.m. Dis "Shine" seems to be an arrangment of "Shine, Jessus, shine", wot I don't know. I fink I preferred it when he was singeing "I Found Heaven". Also we is out of dognuts and I has to go to de Cannabis Chappel to git some more.

It seems dat de Calumny Chappel biulding is gonna be out of use for a while as it was struck by lighnin again and a mighty vioce shouted "I WARNED YOU FOLKS DAT BOSCO AINT SAVED." Still de local lunatick assylumm is bein very freindly and lettin us use dere premisses aldough dey say dey arent traind to deal wiv reel nutjobs I aint sure what dey is refferin to, franckly.
You may have heard dat de cops is lookin for an evengellical in a nuns habit and dey has released a pitcher of him.

Bosco my dere it may be best for you to come home after dark tonite.

In fack Damain spent several happy days wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco and me, eatin dognuts and attendin servvices at de Lost Angels Funny Farm (incorpporatin de Calumny Chappel). We also sang de hynms from a grate pope group called Whats Dat, and danced some luvvly dances, as reccounted in Damain's bloggs. At de end Damain he said "Help I gotta go on a retreet dere must be a Cathlic proiry I can hide in dats got lots of iddles for me to kiss." Bosco he said he'd go alongg as well, cos he quite liks de novellty of goin to servvices where dey doesnt ask you to ware a straitjakcet. Damain werent very plaesed but we perssuaded him wiv a big stick. So at de momment we free mosquetears is unitted at Mappledurram.

Bosco my dere bruvver it turns out dat we are not in Mappledurram after all, but on a flim set in Hollywood. You can tell from de photo dat Damain took, dem's not Domminican fryers dey is actors I fink one of dem is Tom Criuse. Also I is very good at jography and I fink it takes more than 1 hour to get to Enggland (aint dat nere India?) De uvver posibility is dat we is in some sort of hopsital, did you notiss dat de winders got bars on and some of de rooms has got padded walls? Damain he says dat he is bein driven mad by trolls on his blogg, and needs a rest, I fink dat its a Cathlic superstittion. But I still wonder why Tom Criuse is here. Anyway you gotta go now a man in a white cote has invitted you to have a lay down on a cuoch dat may be a Cathlic ritaul. See ya later Bosco.

Bosco my dere bruvver, I found out de name of dis place where we is stayin wiv Damain, it is de Mappledurram Rest Home for Nervos Wrekcs. I hopes you got on OK wiv de man in de white coat. I bin talkin to Tom Criuse in de next room who aint very keen on Jessus but he says you could be a 3rd Level Thetan of Xoonoo, was you by any chance born on de planet Plutto? I said I aint sure but maybe Mom can remmember. Meanhwile Damain is writtin some more bloggs, fortified by dognuts and de ocassional interlood when he go into de chappel to dance and sing de gratest hits of Wots Dat. Luv ya Bosco.

Bosco, I bin trying to convert Tom Criuse to de Cavalary Chapple doctrins dat we hold so dere, viz hittin nuns and writtin luvly bloggs, but he said dey was too wakcy even for him, and instead dat you shuold study to become a Level 4 Thetan, wich involves puriffyin de body of druggs such as dognuts. Lots of luv from bruvver Eccles, and de man in de white cote says you left a little statoo of de Verger Mary in his consulttin room, please come and git it.

Dis is what Tom Criuse looks like. He seems perfickly normal to me.

Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver, we sure is havvin a grate time at dis Mappledurram Home for de Dangerously Loony, aint we? I found de Priests Hole and I asked dem is it OK to lock up a nun down it, like we does at the Calumny Chappel, but dey said no dat aint what its for. Meanhwile Damain he is busy writin a blogg its a pity dat hes only alowed to use a crayon so dat he dont hurt hisself but he is a man dat has suferred much from de evil bisshops of de Magick Circus. Now Bosco, Dr Fraud he sez its time for your therrypie agin and he have got a new peace of carpett for you to chew, dat will be nice, innit?

I was havvin a nice chat wiv Tom Criuse dis mornin, an he sez dat you orta stop dis Calumny Chappel stuff, Bosco, as its too strange, and concentarte on becomin a 4th level thetan, you could call youseelf St Xooboo, dere is a man from Pluto in Ward 19 who will tell you more about dis opportunity he got green skin and a tevelision arial in his hed.

Bosco my dere bruvver I got grate news dat dey is releasin us from de Mappledurram Home for Ravin Looneys to be precise dey sed dey cuold do nothin for us dats wonderfull innit? Tom Criuse he is very disapointed dat you aint gonna become a Level 4 thetan but he said dat if you ever gets dizzy spells and starts foamin at de mouf agin den you will have a walcum in his chruch of science fiction.

So it's great to be back in Lake Hellsinere after de trubbles we had in Lost Angels, and now Damian has been relleased and gone east to ressearch book adicttion life is gonna be quiet for a while.

Dis pitcher what was on Damain's blog is an iddle, dey calls him Buddah an he sits around all day not bein saved dats de way dem Cathlics behave. You can tell its a Cathlic fing as it sez Maryland on it and we know who Mary was, dat pesky woman in de Bibble who wouldnt shut up but kept singing dat her sole was mangifyin de Lord.

Finally Bosco your girlfiend sez she aint too happy about havin her pitcher on your blogg.

Note to readers - Bosco have got a new girlfiend since den, de luvvly Camila Van Pyre.

A new recriut

Bosco and me is very excitted today, as we got an e-mail from Damain Thompson. I will summarize what he said. In case you dont guess, dis is his message in my own words, as dey is easier to understand.

"Dear Bosco and Eccles, I has decided to stop bein a Cathlic, as de arguments from bruvver Bosco is so powerfull dat nobody can resist dem. You may already have geussed dat, since I has stopped postin bloggs on Cathlic issues, and is instead cuttin and pastin silly comments from Twiter about Ruppert Mudroch.

So from now on I is de enemy of Vincent Nickles, Kierran Conray, Arthur Rochhe, and de rest of dem pesky bishops in de Magic Circus. Dat includes Mary O' Conti and de others in Scottland. Dese folk can no longer expect me to say how devout and holly dey is. I has seen thruogh dem. Dey will be cricketised remorzelessly. To start off I is gonna write a blogg on dis controversial topic: 'Kierran Conray wears silly shirts'. I is expectin Paul Preist (On De Side Of De Angles) to come in with 1000 words on dis topic, tellin me I is a fool, but dis is a martydrom dat I must bear.

I aint sure about de Pop yet, I fink I will just tell peeple he is German, dats gonna shock em.

I is also gettin rid of my iddles and relicks, de statue of de Verger Mary have been frown in de bin, dis is what Jessus wants me to do. Also de lock of hare of Pop Jhon-Paul II wot I pinched when nobody was lookin, dat has been fed to de Daley Telegrapph's pet goat.

From now on, I wants to be saved like you, Bosco and Eccles, and I is gonna write a blogg in a totally different style, probbably modellin it on Bosco's luvvly writins.

Of course as a member of de Calumny Chappel I aint gonna stop bein a bloody crazy ferrett, and Pastor Redlight and de others is gonna have to watch out for my feirce condamnations of dere herresies. I only doin it to help save dere soles.

Yours sincerely,
Bruvver Damain of de Calumny Chappel."

So dere we have it. As it says in de Bibble, Rome is de horse of Babbleon, and noboddy can be saved unless dey is born agin.

I will come back to our own personal affairs soon. Here is de sort of service dat awiats Damain now dat he is saved.

And here are de Cathlics expressin dere greif at losin Damain.

Maybe I got de pitchers confussed. Who knows?

Hari Potter

Well de plan to cure my belloved bruvver Bosco of his concusion is continuin. Today he told me to call him Danniel and said he was gonna go into a lions den and de Lord would prottect him. We aint got a lions den howevver, de nearest place wiv wild creaturs is Anti Moly's beddroom, so Bosco knokced on de door and went in. "Go away!" screemed Anti Moly. "I gotta make some urggent coments on Cristinna Oddone's blogg, she's a woman and a sort of Cathlic so dat's fair game." Bosco he quacked with fear but de Lord was wiv him and he stayed in de lions den and began to sing a piuos hynm. De next fing he knew his ears was bein nailed to de wall, dats a trick de lions never managged I fink. It aint fun bein a Danniel, is it Bosco?

In order to rellax Bosco we took him to see a movvie at de cinnema, it was Hari Potter and de Deafly Hellos. I need to explane dis.
1. Hari is de Brittish spellin, I seen dat name a lot lately.
2. Deafly Hellos are relicks like Cathlics worhsip. Dey even got a maggazine called Hello wiv iddles in it.

We wanted to take Grate-Anti Moly wiv us, but dey stopped her at de door and said "We aint havin peeple dressed up as Volldemot comin into our cinnema, we got enuogh trubble wiv hooliganns already".
"She aint dressed up as Volldemot," explaned Bosco. "Dats her normal appearrance."
No good, dey wouldn't let her in, and anyways Anti said she cuoldnt really spare 3 hours away from de bloggs, in case she missed a good fihgt.

So Bosco and me went in wivvout Anti. I cant tell you whevver its Hari Potter or Volldemot wot wins, cos I never worked it out. All I will reveel is dat we neerly got frown out becuase Bosco kept shoutin out "Hari! You aint saved! Dem relicks is evil!" Dis shows dat he is nearly cured.

After de movvie Bosco he decidded he was very hungry and he invited some freinds from de Calumny Chappel round for a big dinner. Here dey is in speshul feastin clothes.

Wot I dont understand is dat someon have written "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall. Bosco is very upset, and we is gonna have to e-mail Jessus to make sure dat dis was only a jokke. Cos we is both saved, aint we, Bosco?

Dont kiss relicks

Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver. It seems dat de Lord provided a mirackulous cure, and your concusion is gettin better. You will soon be back to normal behaviuor, i.e. beetin up anyone who mihgt be a Cathlic.

De storry of how God wruoght a mirackle is very good, and when de Book of Bosco (written by Eccles) is added to de Bibble, dis will be one of de bits dat de folks in church will reely stay awake for. What hapenned was dat Prince Willaim and Katte was doin a royal tour near us, and Bosco decided to go and tell dem dat dey wasnt saved. Dis we may reggard as de martydrom of Bosco, as when he rushed up to dem brandishin a Bibble he was immediately atacked by de Army, de FBI, de LA police, de boy scuots, de girl giudes and de mothers-and-toddlers group. Dey beet him voilently and he got a blow on de head which cured his concusion (actaully, Bosco is embarassed as it was one of de toddlers who hit him wiv her dolly).

When Bosco was cured we decidded to go to de Calumny Chappel for a service of thanksgivin, and we even persauded Anti Moly to come along, sayin dat we'd buy some gin on de way so dat she had somethin to occupy her mind durin de Pastor's homilly.

But it turned out badly: we was drivin Anti Moly to church, and we stopped at de trafic lihgts outside a Cathlic Church. De priest came out and saw de wizzened figure of my Great-Ant fast aslepe in de car, and said "Oh Bosco, dat is very kind of you to bring us de bonnes of an old lady. Is dat de relicks of a saint? I gonna kiss em." He oppened de car door and gave my anti a big KISS on de lips, but she hit him wiv a gin bottle and said "Traddy Cathlics I hates em all!" Well dats only fair, nobody likes bein mistakken for a relick. So we decidded to go home again.

Well, dats all for now. Bosco is still behavin a little strangley to my expert eye. He wants me to call him Nebbuchadnozzer and he is gonna sleep in de garden and eat grass. Maybe de concusion aint all gone.

I gotta pitcher of Bosco relaxin in de garden.