Catholic Herald to merge with Hello!

Following the departure of the Catholic Herald's UK editor, Luke Coppen, to pastures new, and the collapse of the magazine's US edition - allegedly because the editorial board wanted the magazine to be cosy and uncontroversial, while the staff wanted to smite the unsaved - it has been announced that the CH will be merging with Hello!

In the first issue of the new soaraway Catholic Hello! we shall see:

* Top Catholic Ted McCarrick shows us round his delightful beach house.

* Vatican expert Cardinal Coccopalmerio advises us on the best way to get "high".

* Cardinal Kasper tells us of six new heresies that he thought of before breakfast.

Pope Francis advises us on protective masks against the Corona virus.

* Father James Martin SJ demonstrates some of the main postures used in Ignatian Yoga, and invites us to a Catholic LGBT retreat in San Francisco.

* Top dictator Xi Jinping explains how Chinese Catholics can be "good citizens" (© Pope Francis), and shows us round the charming labour camps where the less good citizens are being made comfortable.

"I was only a 7-stone weaking until I discovered Catholicism."

* England's worst bishop, John Arnold, asks "Is Greta Thunberg the new St Bernadette?"

* Celebrity biographer Austen Ivereigh guides us round his extensive collection of Pachamama idols.

* Finally, we ask, how will top Catholic sex symbols Joe Biden and Massimo Faggioli be celebrating Amoris Laetitia week (formerly called Holy Week)?