Supreme Court decides what 2+2 makes

The UK Supreme Court has finally ruled on one of the most controversial issues of our time, and its decision is that 2+2 equals 4, and not 3, 5, 6, π, or any other number.

Justice at last!

To many people this has been blindingly obvious for years, but "transfer" activists have long campaigned for other numbers to be allowed - indeed the most extreme mathematicians claim that places normally reserved for "4" could also be occupied by "5". (A related group is the "sex maniacs" who, basing their arguments on Latin, suggest that all pairings end in SEX.)

Of course, not everyone is happy, least of all Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ.

Spadaro is part of the "transfer" movement.

Naturally, the decision that 2+2=4 will have effects throughout the country. Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to redo her financial calculations, which were already regarded by many as suspect. The Equation Act already gives protection to the number 4, and "trans numbers" such as 5 will now be excluded from 4-only sports such as polo and bridge.

Another person unhappy with the ruling is Jolyon Forsyte KC, said to be the only barrister to have practised in a kimono while wielding a baseball bat (see Maugham v Fox, 2019). He is already raising money for a legal challenge via throwitdownthedrain.org. Thanks to the wonders of arithmetic, a donation of £2000 followed by another donation of £2000 (anything less is small change for a lawyer) will add £5000 to the fighting fund. Possibly.

Brexodus 21 - Bosis departeth from EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. In the last month of the fourth year, Bosis returned as leader of the children of Bri-tain.

Bosis meeth the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon.

2. So he went back to the House of common people, whence the Squeaker known as Ber-cow had departed, and a new Squeaker, Linus the Holy, ruled in his place.

3. And now by virtue of his superior forces Bosis was able to obtain an agreement from the House of common people.

4. Thus the people of Bri-tain girded up their loins and packed up their tents, ready to leave, as they had done at least twice before.

5. And the Lord decreed that those who wished to remain in EUgypt could no longer force the people to ungird their loins and unpack their tents.

6. For there was a man named Jolyon Mammon, whose parents had named him after a place in which strangers might drink tea.

Mrs Mammon chooseth a name for her baby boy.

7. Jolyon had spent much gold in trying to stop the children of Bri-tain from leaving EUgypt.

8. But on the day of boxing the Lord spake unto him in a dream, saying "Dress in thy wife's garments, grab thy mighty club, and slay the fox that dwelleth in the garden." And Jolyon obeyed.

9. After this, he spent no more time in the courts of law, trying to hinder Bosis.

10. Meanwhile, the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, was being plagued by Farogs and Widdy Spiders from the party of Brexodus.

11. Her uncle, the Pharaoh Juncker, had also seen them, but believed them to be a dream caused by looking too much on the wine when it was red. Although in truth, merely looking was not his real problem.

12. But Ursula of Lebanon knew that the Farog and Widdy Spider were real, and agreed finally to let the people depart.

A plague of Farogs and Widdy Spiders.

13. Thus all was ready for the people to depart on the last day of the month. But those who wished to remain tried once more to stop them.

14. For they cried in a loud voice "The Leavites are Gammons! Racists! Stupid people! We shall die in the wilderness when we can no longer feast on the leg of the frog and the very agreeable kraut that is sour."

15. And Bosis commanded the bells of Benjamin the Big to ring out in triumph on the day of departure. But it was not so, as they were being mended.

16. Nevertheless, at the eleventh hour of the last day of the first month, the children of Bri-tain marched to the banks of the Red Sea.

17. Then Bosis called for his staff (Dominic the Coming) and used it to part the waters of the Red Sea. And the children of Bri-tain crossed the sea on dry ground.

Bosis, horribly aged by the stresses of the last few months.

Continued in the Book of Covidicus.