E: Now tell me, Dan, are you in fact the Lord of sea and sky? If so, what about the land? Are you telling me that the Navy and Air Force have surrendered to you, but the Army is fighting on?
Doctor, we're being attacked by a man called Schutte, who's already taken over the sea and sky.
DS: No, Eccles, you've got this all wrong. I am referring to God here, and I left out "land" because it wouldn't fit.
E: Oh I see. A bit like Psalm 46 then? Be still, and know that I am God. We used to sing this at school when I was young, but when I broke a window the teacher would never believe that it was an act of God. It was very confusing.
DS: Anyway, think of it as if God were singing my hymn, and not us. Modestly, I felt it was appropriate to put a few words into His mouth.
E: I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. But stars aren't dark, they're very hot and luminous. Well, many of them.
Proof that stars are not always dark.
DS: No, no, it's referring to "my people." Er, God's people, that is. They're mentioned earlier. Blimey, this grammar business isn't easy, is it?
E: Ah. So tell me about the chorus to your song, Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. That's not God speaking, is it?
DS: No, it's us.
E: Well it's true that I do sometimes hear noises in the night. Usually, it's my aunt screaming at the Internet. Are we all supposed to have heard God in the night?
DS: Well, it was Isaiah, really. But as in many modern hymns I am asking you to draw attention to yourself, and say "Look at me! I'm as good as Isaiah!"
Isaiah, who rarely got a decent night's sleep.
E: So what are we saying about ourselves, Dan?
DS: Well I thought you would quite like it, Eccles. We are saying that we are specially chosen people, and we're going out to save everyone else.
E: Oh, of course. As long as the hymn is about how great we are, and not about God. No wonder it's popular. Oh just one last thing...
DS: Yes, Eccles?
E: I the Lord of wind and flame, I will tend the poor and lame. I've got it, haven't I? Pentecostalism?
Wind and flame.
DS: Nice rhyme, though?
E: Oh all right. Not poor and lame. Well, not completely. Mr Schutte, thank you so much for coming along.
Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award: