Memorial service for a great man

Minister: Friends, Romans, and Countrymen - lend me your ears. I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him.

Omnes: Who?

Minister: We are here to remember Nelson Mandela / Doris Lessing / Graham Stark / Nigel Davenport / Mark 'Chopper' Read / Ralph Miliband / John Cole / Cliff Morgan / Mike Winters / Margaret Thatcher (delete as appropriate), who was clearly the greatest person of the 20th century, or indeed of any century. In the words of Peter Oborne, "Blimey O'Reilly, he could have taught Christ a thing or two!"

The great man meets another great man.

He was known to his friends as Madiba / Scoobie Doo / Goofie / Maggie / Chopper / That Leftie Bastard / Hondootedly / Professor / Fatty / The Deacon from Hell, and it is as his friends that we honour him today.

At this point someone famous who once met the deceased (and this may be Barack Obama, Bono, Stephen Fry, Peter Hain, Nick Clegg, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, or, if we're unlucky, all of them) or will get up and say a eulogy.

We all owe so much... so let's borrow more.

Celebrity: Let us not forget that as a result of spending 27 years in prison / on the golf course / in the pub / screaming at his neighbours / telling bad jokes / playing rugby he single-handedly eliminated apartheid / communism / halitosis / fascism / vegetarianism / New Labour / Darth Vader / Australian cricket / Islam / homophobia / dandruff from the world. Except for Croydon. As a pious Methodist / atheist / Catholic / agnostic / Satanic fire-worshipper / Jedi / Muslim, his actions were always guided by his deeply-held faith.

I remember when he met me he quipped: "Who are you?" / "Get out of my way!" / "Could you lend me a fiver?" / "Aren't you on the telly?" / "I thought you were dead!" / "Would you like to come back to my place?" Truly, he was the greatest man of the century, greater even than Churchill / Lenin / Gandhi / Eric Morecambe / Mother Teresa / Charlie Chaplin / Idi Amin / Chesterton / Spike Milligan / Liberace / Cary Grant (or he may name some other great person). Can I have my fee now?

At this point the 3 biggest numpties in the congregation will grin like jackasses and take a "selfie" of themselves, while their nearest and dearest sulk in deep embarrassment.

Minister: I've had enough. Depart in peace before I throw you out.

Congregation: Are the pubs open?

Methuselah dies

Today the World was in a state of total shock as it was announced that veteran activist and leader Nelson Methuselah had died at the tender age of 969.

Methuselah. Too soon to say whether he died of old age.

Said a typical commentator, "I was shocked to hear of Methuselah's passing. It certainly wasn't something I expected to happen. I think the whole world should go into compulsory mourning for this saintly being. I'm just off to leave some flowers outside Buckingham Palace - and I haven't done that since Princess Diana died."

Preliminary reports saying that Mandelson had died were in error.

One great surprise came with the news that Methuselah had not been taken up directly to Heaven, although it had been widely, er, assumed, that no other fate was possible for such a wonderful being. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is being bombarded with demands that the Vatican grant Methuselah instant canonization, as he is evidently a first-class saint.

When asked what exactly Methuselah had done to merit such adulation, commentators have unanimously praised his patient bearing of imprisonment, with no attempts to escape by digging a tunnel or leaving disguised as a washerwoman, followed by his brilliant career in politics, where he humbly became King, while wisely refusing to attempt revenge on the previous administration (unlike, say, Robert Mugabe, who, although a pious Catholic, is not likely to be mourned so enthusiastically).

Heaven - should it be renamed after its newest arrival?

Of course there will always be curmudgeons, grumblers and brutes who refuse to join in the World's hysteria grief. Obviously they must all be secret supporters of apartheid, and probably they also perform human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. However, it has been pointed out by other writers that Methuselah implemented some of the most "liberal" abortion laws in the world, as well as laws on same-sex "marriage". So perhaps, like the rest of us, he can't hope for much better than Purgatory at this stage; in that case we shall need to pray "FREE METHUSELAH" once more.

Have YOU left flowers? If not, we know where you live!

In other news: the entire United Kingdom has disappeared under water.