This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Memorial service for a great man

Minister: Friends, Romans, and Countrymen - lend me your ears. I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him.

Mark Antony

Omnes: Who?

Minister: We are here to remember Nelson Mandela / Doris Lessing / Graham Stark / Nigel Davenport / Mark 'Chopper' Read / Ralph Miliband / John Cole / Cliff Morgan / Mike Winters / Margaret Thatcher (delete as appropriate), who was clearly the greatest person of the 20th century, or indeed of any century. In the words of Peter Oborne, "Blimey O'Reilly, he could have taught Christ a thing or two!"

Graham Stark and Peter Sellers

The great man meets another great man.

He was known to his friends as Madiba / Scoobie Doo / Goofie / Maggie / Chopper / That Leftie Bastard / Hondootedly / Professor / Fatty / The Deacon from Hell, and it is as his friends that we honour him today.

At this point someone famous who once met the deceased (and this may be Barack Obama, Bono, Stephen Fry, Peter Hain, Nick Clegg, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, or, if we're unlucky, all of them) or will get up and say a eulogy.

Gordon Brown

We all owe so much... so let's borrow more.

Celebrity: Let us not forget that as a result of spending 27 years in prison / on the golf course / in the pub / screaming at his neighbours / telling bad jokes / playing rugby he single-handedly eliminated apartheid / communism / halitosis / fascism / vegetarianism / New Labour / Darth Vader / Australian cricket / Islam / homophobia / dandruff from the world. Except for Croydon. As a pious Methodist / atheist / Catholic / agnostic / Satanic fire-worshipper / Jedi / Muslim, his actions were always guided by his deeply-held faith.

I remember when he met me he quipped: "Who are you?" / "Get out of my way!" / "Could you lend me a fiver?" / "Aren't you on the telly?" / "I thought you were dead!" / "Would you like to come back to my place?" Truly, he was the greatest man of the century, greater even than Churchill / Lenin / Gandhi / Eric Morecambe / Mother Teresa / Charlie Chaplin / Idi Amin / Chesterton / Spike Milligan / Liberace / Cary Grant (or he may name some other great person). Can I have my fee now?


At this point the 3 biggest numpties in the congregation will grin like jackasses and take a "selfie" of themselves, while their nearest and dearest sulk in deep embarrassment.

Minister: I've had enough. Depart in peace before I throw you out.

Congregation: Are the pubs open?


  1. Darling eccles, what sort of oaf would take a selfie at a memorial service? Now we know. Did they think they were in Borgen? Xx Jess

  2. Dear Sir,

    I am gratified by your humble tribute to Mandiba. We didn't know he was called that until he was dead and it will now mean that Nelson Road, Tunbridge Wells, TN2 will have to be renamed Mandiba Road.

    Apart from small administrative inconveniences for the 4,579 roads named after Nelson, we should celebrate the opportunity this will afford housebuyers as property prices in these roads plummet.

    Nelson Mandela Road was best made a sought-after street name by Only Fools & Horses. Much preferred by many to some obscure English toff sailor, eh?

    Yours etc.,

    Daryl Blunt,
    Tunbridge Wells ACTA

    1. Don Daryl :Ware racism ! The toff sailor's genyouwine last words wuz "kismet hardy"

  3. I remember taking a "selfie" at Medusa's funeral. That didn't go down well either.

  4. I suppose a ‘selfie’ at a funeral…er, celebration…would be considered a ‘religious experience’ in some celebrity quarters.

    Judging by the expression on a certain significant other, a different kind of experience may have ensued later. What is called in the US: “a come to Jesus moment…”

  5. Hoo is dat womin in de muddle?
    I no hoo de sowerpus womin is hoo waz not in de muddle.

  6. My apologies but did I miss something? Whose memorial was it we are remembering - I forget.

  7. Eccles, you didn't tell me that Mandela got rid of dandruff from the world! Now I know why everyone overlooked his pro-abortion, pro-population control record.