Minister: We are here to remember Nelson Mandela / Doris Lessing / Graham Stark / Nigel Davenport / Mark 'Chopper' Read / Ralph Miliband / John Cole / Cliff Morgan / Mike Winters / Margaret Thatcher (delete as appropriate), who was clearly the greatest person of the 20th century, or indeed of any century. In the words of Peter Oborne, "Blimey O'Reilly, he could have taught Christ a thing or two!"
The great man meets another great man.
He was known to his friends as Madiba / Scoobie Doo / Goofie / Maggie / Chopper / That Leftie Bastard / Hondootedly / Professor / Fatty / The Deacon from Hell, and it is as his friends that we honour him today.
At this point someone famous who once met the deceased (and this may be Barack Obama, Bono, Stephen Fry, Peter Hain, Nick Clegg, Gordon Brown, Hillary Clinton, or, if we're unlucky, all of them) or will get up and say a eulogy.
We all owe so much... so let's borrow more.
Celebrity: Let us not forget that as a result of spending 27 years in prison / on the golf course / in the pub / screaming at his neighbours / telling bad jokes / playing rugby he single-handedly eliminated apartheid / communism / halitosis / fascism / vegetarianism / New Labour / Darth Vader / Australian cricket / Islam / homophobia / dandruff from the world. Except for Croydon. As a pious Methodist / atheist / Catholic / agnostic / Satanic fire-worshipper / Jedi / Muslim, his actions were always guided by his deeply-held faith.
I remember when he met me he quipped: "Who are you?" / "Get out of my way!" / "Could you lend me a fiver?" / "Aren't you on the telly?" / "I thought you were dead!" / "Would you like to come back to my place?" Truly, he was the greatest man of the century, greater even than Churchill / Lenin / Gandhi / Eric Morecambe / Mother Teresa / Charlie Chaplin / Idi Amin / Chesterton / Spike Milligan / Liberace / Cary Grant (or he may name some other great person). Can I have my fee now?
At this point the 3 biggest numpties in the congregation will grin like jackasses and take a "selfie" of themselves, while their nearest and dearest sulk in deep embarrassment.
Minister: I've had enough. Depart in peace before I throw you out.
Congregation: Are the pubs open?