Notre Dame University honours Kim Jong-Un

The University of Notre Dame, Indiana, has announced the winner of its 2016 Laetare medal, which is awarded in recognition of outstanding service to the Catholic Church and society. The lucky recipient is Mr Kim Jong-Un, 17, a North Korean politician, whose record of murder, imprisonment and torture is "just what we're looking for", in the words of a spokesman for the college.

"I am honoured to receive this medal," says Mr Kim.

"At first we thought of giving the medal to Vice-President Joe Biden," said the spokesman, "after he wrote to us telling us what a great Catholic he was. However, further investigation revealed that he was a supporter of abortion and same-sex marriage, and our strong Catholic principles obviously forced us to rule him out. If we'd honoured him we would have become a laughing stock. Our reputation still hasn't recovered from the time when we gave an honorary degree to Barack Obama - if we'd vetted him properly we might have noticed that Obama was an advocate of dismembering small children, which some of us feel squeamish about."

Robert Mugabe (L) is not amused.

Mr Robert Mugabe, 112, of Zimbabwe (or, as Oxford students now wish it to be known, Southern Rhodesia) was not amused at narrowly missing out on the prestigious medal. "I have a great respect for what Mr Kim has achieved," he said, "but I should point out that, unlike him, I am actually a Catholic. Pope Francis has refused to condemn me, so I must be a pretty good guy. I don't know who this Laetare chap was, but he must be turning in his grave." The Notre Dame spokesman admitted that Mugabe was a "better fit" to the Catholic ethos of the college, but said "Well, there's always next year!"

What is a tragedy as far as Notre Dame is concerned is the fact that it never honoured Ted Kennedy, the politician and underwater racing driver. Medals were awarded to his brother JFK and sister Eunice, but somehow young Edward missed out on his due recognition as "the sort of Catholic that Notre Dame appreciates". Well, it's too late now.

Spiritual nourishment to help you recover (Notre Dame's Basilica of the Sacred Heart).

Methuselah dies

Today the World was in a state of total shock as it was announced that veteran activist and leader Nelson Methuselah had died at the tender age of 969.

Methuselah. Too soon to say whether he died of old age.

Said a typical commentator, "I was shocked to hear of Methuselah's passing. It certainly wasn't something I expected to happen. I think the whole world should go into compulsory mourning for this saintly being. I'm just off to leave some flowers outside Buckingham Palace - and I haven't done that since Princess Diana died."

Preliminary reports saying that Mandelson had died were in error.

One great surprise came with the news that Methuselah had not been taken up directly to Heaven, although it had been widely, er, assumed, that no other fate was possible for such a wonderful being. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is being bombarded with demands that the Vatican grant Methuselah instant canonization, as he is evidently a first-class saint.

When asked what exactly Methuselah had done to merit such adulation, commentators have unanimously praised his patient bearing of imprisonment, with no attempts to escape by digging a tunnel or leaving disguised as a washerwoman, followed by his brilliant career in politics, where he humbly became King, while wisely refusing to attempt revenge on the previous administration (unlike, say, Robert Mugabe, who, although a pious Catholic, is not likely to be mourned so enthusiastically).

Heaven - should it be renamed after its newest arrival?

Of course there will always be curmudgeons, grumblers and brutes who refuse to join in the World's hysteria grief. Obviously they must all be secret supporters of apartheid, and probably they also perform human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. However, it has been pointed out by other writers that Methuselah implemented some of the most "liberal" abortion laws in the world, as well as laws on same-sex "marriage". So perhaps, like the rest of us, he can't hope for much better than Purgatory at this stage; in that case we shall need to pray "FREE METHUSELAH" once more.

Have YOU left flowers? If not, we know where you live!

In other news: the entire United Kingdom has disappeared under water.

Charity Appeal

The charity CATFOOD (CATholics For Oddball Overseas Development), has asked for an appeal to be posted on all spiritually nourishing blogs such as this one.

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We are hugely grateful for the support you have shown for CATFOOD's work over many years, as we have acted as a lobbying agency for extra taxes, action on climate change, and access to condoms for all; we have also done something about those people in the Third World without access to those simple necessities of life that we all take for granted: such as Tenderized baby kestrel with a Welsh truffle sauce, tortured parsnips, weeping Norfolk onions, and a salad of pumpkin leaves with balsamic vinegar; with this, most experts would recommend a Chateau Coldfitte 1992.

A baby kestrel. In London we take food like this for granted.

Well now we need to turn our attention to nearer at home. Do you remember me telling you about Zimi, a 10-year old girl from Islington? Zimi's family have been without proper drinking water for several weeks: her parents could no longer find Mont Blanc Glacier Water in the supermarket, and she was forced to drink the rubbish that comes out of the taps.

Zimi now says, "When the deliveries of Mont Blanc Glacier Water stopped, my family had to change its lifestyle; we stopped taking baths or showers, and now nobody at school wants to sit next to me."

Mont Blanc, where the glacier water is lovingly harvested by Dominican friars.

Thanks to CATFOOD, Zimi's family is now getting regular deliveries of climate change posters and contraceptives, and we are looking into the water problem as well.

We'd now like to tell you about another child, a 9-year-old boy from Notting Hill called Gift. You might be wondering how Gift got his name. It's because in Notting Hill they go in for pretentious names these days (his brothers and sisters are called Square-Root, Proust, Biggleswade, and Beckham). Gift's family have been without a refrigerator for over a week, as they wait for Zanussi to deliver another one. In fact, it was partly their fault, as they first contacted ZANU, by mistake. Although Robert Mugabe was very pleased to hear from them, he was unable to provide a refrigerator.

Robert Mugabe and an unidentified friend discuss the fridge crisis in Islington.

As a result, Gift and his family have been forced to eat out in restaurants every day this week, as the only alternative to living on slightly stale food. CATFOOD is coming to their assistance, and Gift's family will soon have a shiny new fridge.

Did I mention that we are a Catholic organization? No, well we don't want to scare people by bringing religion into everyday life: go to our website and see how long it takes you to find the word "Catholic" on the front page. Still, do keep sending us your money, and we'll make sure it is spent the way we think best.