This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 6 December 2013

Methuselah dies

Today the World was in a state of total shock as it was announced that veteran activist and leader Nelson Methuselah had died at the tender age of 969.


Methuselah. Too soon to say whether he died of old age.

Said a typical commentator, "I was shocked to hear of Methuselah's passing. It certainly wasn't something I expected to happen. I think the whole world should go into compulsory mourning for this saintly being. I'm just off to leave some flowers outside Buckingham Palace - and I haven't done that since Princess Diana died."

Peter Mandelson

Preliminary reports saying that Mandelson had died were in error.

One great surprise came with the news that Methuselah had not been taken up directly to Heaven, although it had been widely, er, assumed, that no other fate was possible for such a wonderful being. Meanwhile, Pope Francis is being bombarded with demands that the Vatican grant Methuselah instant canonization, as he is evidently a first-class saint.

When asked what exactly Methuselah had done to merit such adulation, commentators have unanimously praised his patient bearing of imprisonment, with no attempts to escape by digging a tunnel or leaving disguised as a washerwoman, followed by his brilliant career in politics, where he humbly became King, while wisely refusing to attempt revenge on the previous administration (unlike, say, Robert Mugabe, who, although a pious Catholic, is not likely to be mourned so enthusiastically).


Heaven - should it be renamed after its newest arrival?

Of course there will always be curmudgeons, grumblers and brutes who refuse to join in the World's hysteria grief. Obviously they must all be secret supporters of apartheid, and probably they also perform human sacrifices by the light of the full moon. However, it has been pointed out by other writers that Methuselah implemented some of the most "liberal" abortion laws in the world, as well as laws on same-sex "marriage". So perhaps, like the rest of us, he can't hope for much better than Purgatory at this stage; in that case we shall need to pray "FREE METHUSELAH" once more.

flower hysteria

Have YOU left flowers? If not, we know where you live!

In other news: the entire United Kingdom has disappeared under water.


  1. Silly Eccles. The UK disappeared under water because Catholics made global warming.

  2. I've just been reading the Daily Telegraph's chief political commentator, who says that St Methuselah, as the official Bestest Person Evvah, has now taken over the rôle previously occupied by Jesus, and will therefore (in accordance with the Scriptures) be rising again on the third day.

    If the Daily Telegraph's chief political commentator says it, it must be true. Just thought I'd pass on the good news.

  3. Peter Mandelson will be eternally remembered for his "I have a dream" speech.

    Friends of Paris Hilton,
    Tunbridge Wells

  4. Bosco tells me he was taken in the rapture - I think he means Methuselah, but as he hasn't been at mine for a few days, maybe he meant himself :) xx Jess