QUAERITUR - Should Broad have walked?

Some of our greatest experts in moral theology debate the only issue of any interest this weekend: should Stuart Broad have "walked" - given himself out in the Test Match - when the umpire failed to spot that he was (almost certainly) out?

QUAERITUR: Howzat?

Richard Dawkins, self-taught expert on everything: The umpire didn't see the catch, but then the umpire isn't everything. Don't some people believe in a so-called "Third Umpire" - a sort of sky fairy - who will be our ultimate Judge? Where was he, eh?

As a moral theologian, I can tell you that - although "not walking" is a survival instinct, often caused by our genes feeling a little selfish - it would have been best for Broad to admit that he was caught out. I personally am never caught out, but would certainly admit it if it ever happened! Meanwhile, I'm supporting Australia now... well, at least until an Aussie player also refuses to "walk"!

HOT POT - the technology that could have trapped Broad. Made in Lancashire.

Shane Warne, professor of philosophy at the university of Bradman: Come off it, Dawkins you old croc! What Broadie was doing is perfectly normal behaviour in cricket! Our lads would have done the same. Mind you, the Bible says that "Broad is the way that leadeth to destruction" so we're going to have trouble here. As for that umpire, Aleem Dar, a blind wallaby could have done better...

Prof. Warne.

Tina Beattie, a leading Roe-ham Catholic: Until they allow women to become umpires we must expect errors like this to take place. Broad's main fault here was in accepting the authority of an old man in a silly hat, when he should have rebelled! I would have done so! Incidentally, did you know that I was invited to play in the match at Nottingham, but Bishop McMahon made them cancel the invitation? Dreadful!

Patriarchal figure in a silly hat.

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 3

1. And an Angle spake unto Eccles, saying, "Dis sagga of thine is taking a long time to finish off. Thou willst miss the deadline for de new editoin of de Bibble."

2. "What is I to do?" asked Eccles. "De love life of mine Ant is too complex to be resolved so easily."

3. "Perhaps thou couldst rewrite it for de new editoin of de Korran?" said de Angle. "It could be de story of Anti Mullah, wot goes to Mecka to find de Imam El-Pell. If thou dressest thine Anti in a Burker, den she will not frighten de children so much."

Moly-ben-Dite as she ain't often seen

4. "Nay," saith Eccles. "For I doesnt fink de Musslims is saved. Anyway, strong drink is condemned by Isslam, and my Anti cannot do wivvout it. We will continue as we has started." And it was so.

 5. So she that is called Moly-ben-Dite saith unto de blessed Eccles, "Let us attend the service dat mine beloved Goerge doth conduct for de Easter Viggil. Perchance, Eccles, we couldst disgiuse ourselves as alter servers, dat we may carry de candels into de Cathedral? Den, at de crittical moment, I may hit mine belloved over de head wiv de Pascal Candel, and screem 'Libbertine! Don Jaun! Cassanover! Nick Cleg!'" And she nameth some of de gratest lovers in history.

6. And it was so. De blessed Eccles and his somewhat less blessed Anti didst robe demselves in de white graments of holliness.

7. And dere came a grate processoin into de Cathedral of Sidney. Dere was de famuous Monsinger Rolf Harris, de Dame Edna Average (wot aint reely a woman, so it's OK), even de famous Spin Blower, Farver Shane Worn. All was dressed in de white graments of holliness.

Farver Shane givvin de blessin

8. And in de processoin was concealed Eccles and Moly.

9. And Cradinal Pell spake unto de mulltitudes, sayin, "G'day, cobbers, here we got de Pascal Candel, cos it's Easter. Cor, chase my pet wombat up a coolibar tree, it's dat crazy woman from Pottymouth..."

10. And Lo, Moly hurled de Pascal Candel at de Cradinal, dat it might come to pass wot was written in de book of Relevatoin Chapter 2, Verse 5, I come to thee, and will move thy candlestick out of its place, except thou do penance.

A dangerous waepon in de wrong hands

11. And de costume holly man fled at de sihgt of de wrathful old lady, sayin, "Canst thou direct me to de nearest billybong?"

12. For in the days of his youth, so men say, he had fled de pursuin hag by jumpin into de billybong, where no man durst follow.

13. And Eccles said unto his Anti, "Let us deppart from hence and return to Pottymouth. Dem Cathlics aint to be trusted, anyways." So they departed.

14. Here endeth de book of de voyage of St Eccles.