Requiem Mass for Twitter victims

We shall be holding a Requiem Mass for all those slain by the tyrant Rasputin "Jack" Dorsey in the recent Twitter massacres. Top of the list is @realDonaldTrump, known for his very modest tweets such as "EXCUSE ME FOR MENTIONING IT, BUT THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME VOTING IRREGULARITIES RECENTLY. I COULD BE WRONG." and "JOE BIDEN IS A DEEPLY RELIGIOUS MAN BUT I THINK I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE A SLIGHTLY BETTER PRESIDENT THAN HE WOULD BE."

We are lighting a candle for every vanished account.

But there are others, many with names such as @MAGATRUMPISGOD, @IAMATRUMPBOT, @TRUMP20202020, @THATTRUMPGUYISSWEET, @QANONNYNONNYNO, @MASSIMOLOVESTRUMP, and @JESUITSFORDONALD (this last one is believed to be a sockpuppet of Fr James Martin SJ). This leaves Twitter in the hands of more respectable users, such as the President of Iran, the Chinese Secret Police, and Pope Francis.

Donald Trump retires into private life.

Rasputin has also asked that we include in our Mass a hymn for Twitter's share price, which is fading faster than the number of users.

Abide with me, fast falls the Twitter price,
Jack's shares are tumbling, that's not very nice.

Our prayers are with Rasputin at this time.

As Catholics we firmly believe that there is life after Twitter, but whether the after-life is Gab, Parler, or one of the places with silly names such as Sp3rn, is a matter for theological debate.

Useful Latin phrases for Candlemas

Tempus fugit candelae exstinguendae.
You should have put those candles out ten minutes ago.

Capilla ardentia.
Your hair is on fire.

Nescivi mantillas combustibiles esse.
I didn't know that mantillas were inflammable.

Infans cines.
I told you not to give a candle to your child.

Iacite aquam sanctam!
Throw some holy water over him.

Novem novem novem.
Fire brigade? We have a problem.

"Must be Candlemas again."

Flirting with the SSPX

QUAERITUR: Dear Father Eccles, Pope Francis has said that during the Year of Mercy, Catholics may make their confession to SSPX priests and be validly absolved. What's all that about then?

Offer does not apply to Anglicans, Muslims, Hindus, etc.

Fr. E. replies: The SSPX chaps are basically Catholics who reject some of the decisions of Vatican II - the prohibition of Latin, the introduction of clown masses, the compulsory installation of piles of copies of the Tablet at the back of the church, the recognition of Paul Inwood as a "composer", etc. Going to confession with an SSPX priest is very similar to what you might expect from a "normal" Catholic, apart from a few small differences:

1. You must make your confession in Latin.
2. The priest will have his back to you.
3. The SSPX considers certain actions such as singing "Walk in the 
Light" (even in the privacy of your own bath) to be sins, although 
they may not be recognised as such by "ordinary" Catholics.

Q: Well, actually the sin I committed was pretty minor, really. I got drunk, wandered into the church, blew out all the votive candles, and sang "Happy Birthday to Me!"

You must blow them out with one big breath.

Fr E: Yes, that would be considered a sin in most Catholic traditions, including the SSPX. Perhaps not in a very liberal church; indeed, that might even be a praiseworthy act, as it lowers the church's carbon footprint (see Laudato Si', pages 3, 7, 13 to 45 inclusive, 61, and 88 to 105).

Q: Apparently, the Church is also giving its support to the naming of a square in Rome after Martin Luther, who was excommunicated 500 years ago. Can I be absolved by Lutherans?

Fr E: This is a grey area. I gather that Pope Francis is in a mood of forgiveness at present, and we can soon expect to see a Judas Iscariot Street, a Pontius Pilate Avenue, and even a Richard Dawkins Circus. We live in interesting times.

Richard Dawkins prepares to forgive some sins.

Why aren't you joining in the mass hysteria?

As the mutually enriching Fr John Hunwicke was probably the first to say, the eerie mass hysteria of the "Je suis Charlie" marchers is just a rerun of events surrounding Princess Diana's demise.

About the least offensive of all the Charlie Hebdo cartoons.

So let us look forward to this week's mass hysteria.

Tony Blair will come out of his coffin retirement to make a moving speech, explaining that these were the People's Cartoonists. The fact that they grossly insulted God, Jesus, etc. will be ignored because "We don't do God."

Elton John will rework his "Candle in the Wind" into a moving "Bougie* dans le vent", which will sell 100000000000000 copies and make him even richer than before.

* Note to non-linguists: "bougie" means "candle" not "budgie".

The Queen will be "told" to fly the Union Flag at half mast at Buckingham Palace, or risk being deposed by an invasion of sans-culottes (people without underpants). That sort of thing is very popular in France, at least in July.

Mohamed "Al" Fayed (yes, he's still alive, and probably still barking mad) will explain how the Duke of Edinburgh masterminded the murder of the Charlie Hebdo staff.

Many of us will be shunned by our families, friends and neighbours, because we dare to go outside without wearing a "Je suis Charlie" badge.

Spot the heartless terrorism-supporting brute who doesn't have a placard.

Priests may still wear religious symbols in church

In a landmark decision, the European Court of Human Rights has ruled that priests will still be allowed to wear symbols of their faith in church, except when they are banned on Health and Safety grounds. On the other hand, priests will be forbidden from preaching any controversial religious doctrines, such as the existence of Good and Evil.

How many Health and Safety violations can you count?

In the picture above, several Health and Safety violations were noted. In future, the priest and servers will be required to wear flame-proof clothing if they wish to continue to use lighted candles in the church. It will also be necessary to have a fire extinguisher prominently displayed on the altar. Moreover, the crucifix at the east end of the church must be removed, in case it falls on someone.

Approved vestments for priests, in cases where incense levels are dangerously high.

Some people have argued that forcing a priest to wear a gas mask while preaching may make his words totally inaudible. This, however, is not normally considered to be a disadvantage. Holy Water is also banned on Health and Safety grounds, as it is known to cause severe burning to demons, devils and liberal Catholics.

Following the ECHR rulings, anyone now has the human right to object should the priest attempt to utter controversial religious doctrines, even in his own church. This includes vicious bullying statements such as "You know, marriage is really supposed to be between a man and a woman, not three men and an elephant" or "Alas, we don't have the facilities for conducting a special Mass for Catholics who like being handcuffed to the bed and slapped with wet fish."

On our way to Mass.

In a landmark piece of opportunism, David Cameron today said, "I am proud that our government has preserved the right of priests to wear religious symbols in church; this is what Conservatism is all about."

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 3

1. And an Angle spake unto Eccles, saying, "Dis sagga of thine is taking a long time to finish off. Thou willst miss the deadline for de new editoin of de Bibble."

2. "What is I to do?" asked Eccles. "De love life of mine Ant is too complex to be resolved so easily."

3. "Perhaps thou couldst rewrite it for de new editoin of de Korran?" said de Angle. "It could be de story of Anti Mullah, wot goes to Mecka to find de Imam El-Pell. If thou dressest thine Anti in a Burker, den she will not frighten de children so much."

Moly-ben-Dite as she ain't often seen

4. "Nay," saith Eccles. "For I doesnt fink de Musslims is saved. Anyway, strong drink is condemned by Isslam, and my Anti cannot do wivvout it. We will continue as we has started." And it was so.

 5. So she that is called Moly-ben-Dite saith unto de blessed Eccles, "Let us attend the service dat mine beloved Goerge doth conduct for de Easter Viggil. Perchance, Eccles, we couldst disgiuse ourselves as alter servers, dat we may carry de candels into de Cathedral? Den, at de crittical moment, I may hit mine belloved over de head wiv de Pascal Candel, and screem 'Libbertine! Don Jaun! Cassanover! Nick Cleg!'" And she nameth some of de gratest lovers in history.

6. And it was so. De blessed Eccles and his somewhat less blessed Anti didst robe demselves in de white graments of holliness.

7. And dere came a grate processoin into de Cathedral of Sidney. Dere was de famuous Monsinger Rolf Harris, de Dame Edna Average (wot aint reely a woman, so it's OK), even de famous Spin Blower, Farver Shane Worn. All was dressed in de white graments of holliness.

Farver Shane givvin de blessin

8. And in de processoin was concealed Eccles and Moly.

9. And Cradinal Pell spake unto de mulltitudes, sayin, "G'day, cobbers, here we got de Pascal Candel, cos it's Easter. Cor, chase my pet wombat up a coolibar tree, it's dat crazy woman from Pottymouth..."

10. And Lo, Moly hurled de Pascal Candel at de Cradinal, dat it might come to pass wot was written in de book of Relevatoin Chapter 2, Verse 5, I come to thee, and will move thy candlestick out of its place, except thou do penance.

A dangerous waepon in de wrong hands

11. And de costume holly man fled at de sihgt of de wrathful old lady, sayin, "Canst thou direct me to de nearest billybong?"

12. For in the days of his youth, so men say, he had fled de pursuin hag by jumpin into de billybong, where no man durst follow.

13. And Eccles said unto his Anti, "Let us deppart from hence and return to Pottymouth. Dem Cathlics aint to be trusted, anyways." So they departed.

14. Here endeth de book of de voyage of St Eccles.

How to exercise poeple

Farver Arfur de preist in good standin rushed ruond to our huose, where my Anti Moly was scremin dat she needed exercising. For dem what doesnt understand de probblems she was havvin I shuold explain dat sometimes her speech was full of vile, sattannic obscenitties. Well, dat's normmal, but at uvver times her vioce changed and her speech was much milder and pollite, so we susspected dat a Fuol Fiend was posessin her.

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I IS IN TORMMENT!" shouted Anti Moly in a deep vioce. Then she continued "Eccles you is a bitter, offenssive, rude, ill-mannered, cruel, unkind, anggry, traddy sockpoppet!" much as normmal when she is in a good mood wiv me.

"Ullo," said Arfur. "I is a preist in good standin. Damain Thopmson will be writin a specail blogg about my martrydom one of dese days, when a letter from Monsingor Ooglebleep, de Bishop of Pluto, reaches him. You is not a umble servant of de Lord like I is, I got a gold meddle for bein umble. I wears it on Sunddays."

To our surpprise a demmon appeared next to Anti and said "YOU IS NOT A PREIST. WE DEMMONS KNOWS A REEL PREIST WHEN WE SEES ONE."

"Ullo, Mr Demnos," I said. "You has changed appearrance since yesterdday. You looks nastier."

"I HAS BEEN IN TORMMENT INSIDE DE SUOL OF MOLY BENDITE!" said de demmon. "IT MAKES DE SULFURR LAKES OF HELL SEEM QUITE NICE BY COMPARRISON."

"Fuol creecher! Go back to de Hellish place from which you came!" shouted Farver Arfur.
"I doesn't want to go back to Pottymouth," complaned Anti Moly. "De poliss said dey would lock me up if I went back."
"Not you, woman! I was talking to de uvver Fuol Fiend!" snarled Arfur. "Right! I got de bell, de book and de canddle. Dis is what we preists is told to use."

"What's de book like?" asked Bosco. "Does de author mentoin dat all Cathlics is mass murderrers?"
"Well, I doesnt have any Bibbles - we doesnt use dem in my churhc - but I brought what I fought was gonna be de story of our Saviuor, one of de gratest men wot ever lived," said Farver Arfur. "De man wot saved de world's econnomy from riun. But it seems to be about a man who spent his time kickin fings."

"DAT WAS GORDON BROWN ALL RIGHT," said Demnos. "WE READ ABOUT HIM IN DE DEMMONIC TELLEGRAHP. EVEN WE DEMONS DOESNT THROW MOBBILE PHONES AT POEPLE. NOW, EVEN IF YOU AINT A PREIST, SEND ME HOME. I CANT STAND ANY MORE OF DIS DAME."

Farver Arfur rang de bell, lit de canddle, and read out a bit from de book: "Och aye, we wuz in de Jolly Sporran pub celebbratin oor 30 nill defeet o' Haggistoon in de Rabbi Burns Memmorial Trophy..."

At dis momment de Fuol Fiend disappeared compleetly (I mean Demnos, not my Anti Moly, who was still dere), cryin, "DIS IS TOO BORIN FOR ME."

"I told you I was a reel preist," said Farver Arfur. "We is now gonna take a collection for my expennses."
"No we aint, you sockpoppet!" said Anti. "You has drivven away de only pusson who reely understood me."

It sure aint easy savin poeple.