Everyone who disagrees with me is Satan

When you're debating religious or political issues, I find that insulting your opponent is the best way to win the argument. For example, the people who imposed same-sex "marriage" on us - something that ten years earlier everyone had recognised as absurd - managed to get their way by means of the powerful slogan "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!"

A happy couple (now long-since forgotten).

On Twitter it is well-known that everyone you disagree with is literally Hitler. There are lots of 127-year-old Germans with silly moustaches sitting around in sheds, shouting hateful Nazi slogans such as "We don't think much of the EU" and "Er, perhaps Donald Trump is a better bet than Hillary Clinton."

Is this literally YOU?

Curiously, this is mainly a left-wing thing, and you don't see conservatives labelling people as Stalin or Mao - probably because for so many lefties, these mass-murderers are still regarded as heroes. So the insult becomes a compliment.

"And this attachment is for hitting cardinals with."

So we come to Satan, himself. I must plead guilty on this score, since I have long referred to Mrs Clinton as Hell Cat, and regarded her as a tool of the Devil. This is mainly because I don't share her enthusiasm for dismembering live babies and selling the remains off commercially (this is what is technically known as "planned parenthood").

Still, there are apparently worse things that one can do. Pope Francis himself picked out what he considered one of the great evils of the world when he described parish secretaries as like "disciples of Satan" - we never got to the bottom of this little rant, but one theory is that he had decided to make one of his spontaneous 3 a.m. phone calls to a random victim, but had been told to get off the line, have a cup of cocoa, and go to sleep. EXACTLY what Satan would say.

"Oh Lord, I hope that's not the pope again.

And now he's at it again. Pope Francis told the Curia that resistance to reforms is inspired by the Devil. Since these reforms apparently include modernisation and gradualism (discernment), we have a problem here, as these are the sort of thing that previous popes were very much against. Odd, that.

Unfortunately, the Holy Father has now run out of superlatives. All I know is, I'm glad I don't work for the Roman Curia. Two years ago it was a listing of their "spiritual diseases" and now they're being told that they're ALL LITERALLY SATAN. Call this job satisfaction?

A remembrance service for departed politicians

I am the re-election and the life, saith the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were rejected by voters, yet shall he live, peradventure to return to the world by a by-election, or peradventure to enter the heavenly House of Lords. Failing that, to be blessed with directorships, consultancies, and other means by which the world poureth out money on the otherwise unemployable.

Man that is elected to parliament hath but a short time to serve, and causeth a lot of misery by his meddling. He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one eternal government.

Three polticians (two of them also walking dead) remember the fallen.

Forasmuch as it hath pleased Almighty God, in his wise providence, to take out of parliament the souls of our deceased brothers, we therefore commit them to the dustbin of history; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, toast to toast; looking for a general re-election on the last day of the new administration.

We remember in particular the following brothers who have been taken from us:

Edward Edwin Edgar Edmund Balls, he whose testament to the world, "Ed Balls", is forever remembered in "Ed Balls Day". Although his cutting off leaves the House of Commons emasculated, may the holy day of April 28th (or, if the bishops choose, a convenient Sunday nearby) ever be used to remember him; yeah, even when his works have faded into history and the deficit is no more.

Ed Balls, clad in robes of white.

George Saddam Felix Galloway, many times winner of the "most obnoxious man in politics" award. Well, the less said about him, the better. May he be granted seventy-two virgins in Paradise, preferably Jewish ones.

Possibly the last we shall see of George Galloway. I'm an optimist.

Vincent Nijinsky Cable, dancer extraordinaire and politician ordinaire, he who was unplugged before his time; and Mark Lemming Reckless, of whom we never heard until he decided to sing a new song to the Lord, which proved his undoing.

And there are many others, mostly dressed in robes of red and yellow, whose names are already forgotten.

I heard a voice from Heaven, saying unto me: Write, From henceforth blessed are the dead who are thrown out: for they rest, and we have peace from their foolishness.

"Mwahahahahaha!" Sometimes the undead come back to haunt us.

The priest is asked NOT to mention wailing and gnashing of teeth, even though there is a lot of this going on in BBC interviews, etc.

[At this point Messrs Cameron, Miliband and Clegg will lay wreaths at the eight-foot "Edstone". Mr Cameron will endeavour to stop giggling, before departing to visit some more fish markets. Mr Miliband will trip and fall, before leaving to seek spiritual advice from the Venerable Brand. Mr Clegg will depart in a taxi with the rest of his MPs.]

Life goes on: Theresa May teaches liturgical dancing to a group of new MPs.

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!

Do mention the war

This is a very ecumenical blog: we have occasionally featured guest contributions from Anglicans, Calvary Chapel worshippers, Atheists - even liberal Catholics. Thus, to mark the centenary of World War I (at least as far as the British Empire was concerned) we decided to invite a contributor who could be suitably enthusiastic about war and bloodshed. So please welcome Slugtrousers the minor demon!

Our guest blogger.

Thanks, Eccles, it's great to have an opportunity to present my views here: obviously many readers will have read some of my contributions to the Guardian and the Tablet, and heard me on the BBC's Thought for the Day - I've been invited to blog for the Telegraph as well - but appearing on Eccles's site must be the highlight of anyone's career.

Well, as a demon, I must say that World War I was a spectacular success. Starting with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria - a man known for his fine moustache, but scarcely of any great interest to the average Briton - we managed to persuade numerous countries, including Austria-Hungary, Russia, Germany, France, Britain and their empires, and (eventually) the USA to sacrifice millions of young men in the most pointless way possible.

Franz Ferdinand, who missed the best bits of the war.

So after killing off about 16 million people, those silly humans decided to call it the "War to End All Wars". Well, we couldn't have that, could we? So we kept the pot boiling - World War II was another highlight, I remember (40 million or so, but we managed to spread them around the world better, rather than concentrating them in Europe). Of course, it's been a bit quiet recently - yes, 2 or 3 million in the Congo War of 1998 is encouraging, but they were only Africans, so they don't make the newspaper headlines, do they?

Checking our records, it seems that the Muslim Conquest of the Indian Subcontinent killed 60 million people, but that was spread over 500 years (say 1000-1525), and people in the West didn't really know what was going on. Chalk up another 30 million during the Mongol conquests, if you like... Good fun, but not likely to be taught in schools when there's Mary Seacole to write essays about!

Mahmud of Ghazni enjoys a poem after a hard day's massacring.

Anyway, that's enough history: let's see how the preparations for World War III are getting along. Russia and Ukraine, yes, a very promising conflict there. Israel and Gaza, yes, with the added bonus that both sides have got some genocidal fanatics playing for them. Then - and you being a Christian, Eccles, you'll enjoy this one - we have the Christians being wiped out by ISIS in the Middle East. I always get a kick out of massacring Christians - they're the real enemy of us demons, you see - and we get extra brimstone on Saturday nights to celebrate their murder.

"Foreign policy is a piece of cake!" says Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

Actually, the world has not been entirely silent over the ISIS massacres. François Hollande, who is normally one of our keenest supporters, has broken ranks and offered asylum to the Kurds. In England, the church of England as a whole seems to think that ordaining women bishops is the answer to all the world's ills; however, some of its male bishops (e.g. Manchester, Worcester, Leeds-Ripon-Wakefield-Bradford-'arrogate-'alifax-'uddersfield) have spoken out about the massacres. On the Catholic side, we've not heard a great deal from Cardinal Nichols: "peradventure he sleepeth," as your man Elijah once put it. The same applies to Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor.*

*But within a few hours of my writing this, Bishop Declan Lang has sprung into action.

"I may be a useless cardinal, but I'm a great cook!"

Well, in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate the human race on the bloodshed of World War I, and all that has happened since then, and to wish all humans well in their future attempts to beat the Hell out of each other. For those who feel like a sing-song now, may I recommend this jolly piece from Flanders and Swann?

No doubt Mars among his chattels has got some really splendid war
Full of bigger and bloodier battles than we've ever enjoyed 
   before.
But until the time occurs, Sir, when that greater war comes on 
   the scene,
The one that I on the whole prefer, Sir, is the war of 14/18!
Yes the one that I still prefer, Sir, is the war of 14/18!

Church of England votes to allow atheist bishops

In an historic vote at the General Synod (now rebranded as "Oddsyns"), the Church of England has voted that atheists may be consecrated as bishops. This is seen as a general move towards equality and diversity, following a modern interpretation of Galatians 3:28:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Two aspiring bishops.

It was pointed out that there have been Jewish bishops in the past (e.g. St Peter), although he is not generally considered to have been an Anglican. So, if you're reading this, Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis - he's the successor to Jonathan Sacks, but nobody seems to have heard of him - then there may be a cushy job available in the Anglican church.

Rabbi Mirvis... looking for a nice comfy diocese.

Applications from the Greek Orthodox church are also warmly encouraged.

Today's historic vote was welcomed by Nick Clegg, the deputy prime minister, since it means that self-declared atheists such as he will be allowed to become bishops. Until now, atheists who wished to become Anglican bishops had to be more subtle in declaring their beliefs, usually by denying the truth of the resurrection, or, more subtly, by contradicting Jesus's teaching on marriage, life and death, etc.

Soon-to-be-unemployed atheist politician seeks bishop job. Has got own mitre.

Many of my readers are either Catholics (hello, there, Vin!) or atheists (hi, Richard!) and may be unsure what an Anglican bishop actually looks like. We decide to go to the Church Times for an authoritative picture.

At a solemn moment in the service, your bishops will levitate.

Of course the Catholics are unlikely to consecrate women, atheists, liberals or Jewish rabbis as bishops in the near future. However, there was a scandal recently in Lancaster, where the bishop was seen performing what looked like a Vulcan Death Grip on a worshipper, and was promptly accused of being a logically-minded alien. It was soon agreed that such a claim was ludicrous.

A deacon and his wife are accused of blogging.

The British 10 Commandments

Following on from the Government's decree that schools should promote "British values", we have been trying to find out what these are. Is it old ladies drinking warm beer as they cycle across the cricket pitch to Mass in the morning mist, or is it something more concrete?

Miss Marple on the trail of someone without British values.

We are therefore grateful to Michael Gove for providing us with an advance copy of the 10 Commandments, edited to incorporate British values.

1. I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.

In modern secular Britain, it's best if you have no gods at all: indeed, you can get into trouble for preaching Christian doctrine, especially if you actually mean it. There is no ban on strange Prophets, however, so Muslims can say what they like, unless they go so far as to wander around with hooks threatening to blow up people.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Blasphemy isn't really a problem these days: we're more worried about "hate speech", and there are certain words you may not say, such as the N-word or various synonyms for "homosexual". Using "Christ" or "Jesus" as a swear word is perfectly all right, and even encouraged.

Bloody Hell, did I just say "Cripes"? Sorry, folks.

3. Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.

Yes, Sunday is the day for worshipping Mammon. Get down to the shops and stimulate the economy! Or watch football. Of course some eccentrics may prefer to go to Church, but there are no proposals to make this illegal. Oh, Nick says there are. But not before 2015.

4. Honour your father and your mother.

We've had to scrap this, as a majority of Britons don't know who their father and mother are. Others will, quite naturally, have two fathers or two mothers in a loving same-sex marriage. Anyway, who wants to honour an old fuddy-duddy who could be well over 30?

We're soon going to hear the patter of tiny feet!

5. You shall not kill.

We Britons are very proud of having abolished capital punishment for people guilty of murder; contrariwise, we are equally proud to support abortion, euthanasia (soon), and other ways of bumping off the innocent.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Since we've nearly abolished marriage, we have de facto abolished adultery. Result! Of course, fornication is frowned upon in some circles, but hey! this is the 21st century, and sex is a very British invention.

This is postmodern irony. Or something.

7. You shall not steal.

Quite right too. Of course, as MPs, we personally don't need to steal, as if we require the odd duck house we can claim it on expenses. Or we can flip our "second" homes to get a favourable mortgage deal. Or claim that our live-in lover is our landlord. No, stealing is right out. Put away that striped pullover, the mask and the bag marked "SWAG". They're unBritish.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

Note that lying in general (or "politics" as we call it) is perfectly permissible. It is well known that British politicians are the most honest in the world: well, more honest than the Greeks, Egyptians and Kazakhs, at least. Possibly. However, it is unBritish to make up stories about people, unless you're a Daily Mail journalist.

...and I heard that Mrs Gove at Number 6 was a Russian spy running a cannabis factory...

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife.

This has been extended to live-in partners, whether of the same sex, the opposite sex, neither sex, both sexes or undefined. Our core British values are Equality and Diversity, and we certainly aren't transphobic! Now, a little coveting is perfectly British, but nonetheless, Nick tells us that even he has slept with fewer than 30 women; so if your street contains more than 30 neighbours' wives, don't covet them all.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

Who makes up this rubbish? How are we to stimulate British industry by selling more cars, washing-machines, etc. unless people do their duty and get coveting? Coveting is a British tradition!

How I wish I had a nice house in Downing Street!

Cameron consults the comedians

After a memorable pub meeting with Stephen Fry to discuss the burning issue of LBGTOMG rights in Russia, David Cameron has realised that it will be best if all his policies are formulated by comedians from now on.

Don't touch the food - Fry's with everything.

Naturally, "Dave" is in constant touch with many LBGTBLT activists, and he has lost no time in setting up a "war cabinet" to advise him.

"Ern, I'm very worried about Vladimir Putin."

Since the cause of LBGTBBC rights is paramount, it seems that Cameron will be left with no alternative but to declare war on Russia. Luckily, the army is ready to go.

"I assure you, it will all be over by Christmas, Prime Minister."

Meanwhile, the problem of Gibraltar will not go away, and Britain may find itself fighting wars on two fronts simultaneously (that is, excluding Afghanistan, the Vatican, and any other skirmishes we are currently committed to). Luckily, an expert on Spanish affairs is advising the prime minister.

"I will negotiate with Señor Rajoy, Prime Minister."

Finally (and after all, this is primarily a religious blog), Cameron has now explained why he has refused to take any advice from leading religious figures on matters such as same-sex marriage. Apparently, he found it impossible to take Archbishop Nichols seriously, dismissing him as a "mere comedian". Instead, he consulted a highly-respected Irish cleric, but didn't understand the advice he was getting.

"They've mistaken me for Tony Flannery again!"

Following his lengthy exposure to comedians, "Dave" has been trying to relaunch his own double act in the hope of recovering some of his lost popularity; however, it has been generally received with prolonged booing.

Dave cracks a joke, while Nick keeps a straight face.

Eccles Boycott Day

It has not escaped our attention that this blog is not universally loved.

Eccles Boycott.

The problem is that we don't show respect to the vain and proud: this naturally grates with the vain and proud community. Also we attempt to make jokes (sometimes not very good ones), which offend the humourless community. St Mary had the same problem: compose a Magnificat in which you claim that God puts down the mighty from their seats, and you get hate mail from the mighty, claiming that they will certainly hold their seats at the next election.

Mighty indeed - but is his seat in danger?

Now, if you are in a high-profile position and call yourself a Catholic, while putting forward doctrines that are simply heretical, then Eccles may poke fun at this fact. If you are an atheist who spends his life attacking religions and their adherents, you may just get a little prod in return. As a politician, enact legislation which is an attack on Christian values, and this will be pointed out. If you are aggressive but patently absurd, then the best way to counter you is by mockery? No?

No. Let's attack Eccles's blog. Oh look, someone has recommended one of his posts. DO THEY KNOW that 4 months ago some idiot posted a nasty comment on the thread below his blog, which Eccles deleted the same day? This proves that Eccles is a nasty "Bernard Manning" type, who does not scruple to curse and swear, who is racist and sexist, and who probably eats babies.

Eccles's lunch.

Oh look, someone on Twitter has set up a "mock-puppet" parody account. That must have been Eccles, as he does parodies on his blog occasionally. Admittedly it doesn't SOUND like Eccles, but then he is a master of all styles and all languages - in his spare time he no doubt runs a Korean parody account mocking Kim Jong-un.

"It may not sound like Eccles, but I've got an ear for these things."

Eccles has written a post pointing out the absurd attempts by journalists to pigeon-hole the new pope: let's tell everyone it was an attack on Pope Francis! Throw mud at Eccles, you know it makes sense!

So let's make today Eccles Boycott Day. Don't read his blog, and harass anyone who tries to. All right?

Same-sex marriage preparation

Dave and Nick on their wedding day.

Hello, I'm Father Pat, and you must be Dave and Nick, eh? I'm so glad that you could drop round for some pre-marriage instruction. Since it became the law that churches must marry any couple requesting it (human rights, wasn't it?) we've been welcoming all sorts of people. You're very much in love, aren't you?

Dave: Yes, it was love at first sight. We began with a simple coalition, but now we want to go the whole way.

Pat: And what do your families think?

Nick: Well, mine are mostly supportive. Dave's family is more traditionally-minded, though. There's Auntie Maggie for one. I don't think she'll be leaving us much in her will!

Uncle Norman won't be coming to the wedding.

Pat: Now, the church has put together a marriage service for you, as we had no real choice, once the police had shot Cardinal O'Brien and Lord Carey. There are some really fine Biblical readings here.

Dave: Yes, I'm a little unhappy about Genesis 19, describing the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Pat: Oh, all weddings have this now, so you're not being discriminated against.

Mrs Lot, an unfortunate wedding guest.

Nick: Also, the reading from Matthew 19. Do we have to have the bit where Christ says that marriage is between a man and a woman?

Pat: I'm afraid so. Also Romans 1, where St Paul gives us a pep talk on morality. Now tell me, are you planning to have children?

Dave: Oh I do hope so. I came from a large family myself. I had nine brothers, and what tearaways we were, eh? Especially Boris.

Ten very naughty children.

Nick: Yes, they drank too much and then did a lot of damage - trashing schools, hospitals, universities, railways, banks,... But in the end, Dave always knew that he'd pay for it.

Pat: Well, that's water under the bridge now. Let me show you a photo from a wedding I conducted last week.

You may now kiss the bride.

Dave: I think I can handle that part. Of course the bit we're really nervous about is the honeymoon afterwards.

The honeymoon.

Pat: So romantic.

Nick: We see ourselves as a modern Romeo and Julian.

Dave: Or Tristan and Isidore.

Nick: Or Napoleon and Joseph.

Booming Voice: PATRICIA! AREN'T YOU FINISHED YET?

Pat: Blimey, it's the missus. O.K. we'd better end now.

New Bond Film praised by Vatican

The new James Bond film, Stonefall, has been praised in enthusiastic terms by the Vatican: indeed, it is believed that the Pope has already watched it three times.

The film features agent Keith O'Brien - also known as O.O.Brien - who is sent on a dangerous mission by his boss, codenamed "B," who replaced the previous head, "J.P.," about seven years ago.

Agent O.O.Brien. Note the radio transmitter disguised as a pectoral cross.

Before starting his mission, O.O.Brien goes to see the eccentric Cardinal Q, who provides him with a Biretta 418, a bullet-proof cope, and a supply of truth drug for extracting Confessions. He also equips him with a large crozier, which can be used as a sword-stick.

Q demonstrates the use of the sword-stick.

O.O.Brien is sent to confront the sinister Stonefall, an organization which aims to break up society from within by destroying the institution of marriage. The mysterious Rosa Klegg is allied with them, having already infiltrated the British Government, and following her lead they refer to all their enemies as "By-Gods." O.O.Brien is soon Enemy Number One as far as Stonefall is concerned.

Rosa Klegg, Head of Operations for LIBDEM.

One twist in the plot is that Giles "The Vicar" Fraser, first thought to be working for the allied organization COE, turns out to be on the side of Stonefall, and against the By-Gods.

Well, in the end O.O.Brien lives to fight another day, but his adventures are not over, as it then turns out that another evil organization called T.A.B.L.E.T. is directly threatening "B" himself.

"B," change your teaching on abortion, divorce, and same-sex marriage or T.A.B.L.E.T. will destroy your missal-guidance systems. Oh, and has anyone seen my white cat?

Warning: not suitable for children under the age of 16.