Praying to become an Olympic event

With the news that the 2020 Olympic Games are to be held in Tokyo, it has also been announced that Praying is to become an Olympic event. Prayer is encouraged by religious leaders of all persuasions, and it is only natural that it should now become competitive as it was in the days of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.

A tense moment in the England v India pray-offs.

The rules of the sport are very simple: competitors may pray to any Deity or other Being, alive or dead, and not necessarily of their own nationality (otherwise, God being an Englishman, an unfair advantage would be had by English prayers). Even prayers to the Spirit of Vatican II are allowed. The first competitor to obtain a miracle - as attested by the two umpires - wins the game. In the case of a disagreement, a third umpire will be available, provided with the latest digital miracle-evaluation equipment.

Two sportsmen are miraculously granted halos, but they slip slightly.

Auxiliary equipment is permitted: for example, Catholics have been using the latest in Rosary Technology and Muslims train on special mats. However, certain items, such as the relics of saints, are forbidden. For example, a Spanish prayer was recently disqualified when traces of St Imulant were discovered in his pockets.

Naturally, there are rules regarding what is acceptable as a miracle. Asking for the cure of a sick person is fine, asking for Stephen Fry to shut up for 24 hours is not (however much such a surprising event might benefit humanity).

Another miracle from the English mixed doubles team.

In conclusion, this is definitely a sport in which the British have excellent chances. Between now and 2020 we expect to see an increase in prayer, as "pray-mania" takes over the country. The BBC is already planning to cash in, with programmes such as "The Pray Factor", "Pray Match Special" and "Britain's got Prayers".

There must be money in praying - even Simon Cowell is interested!

Thought for the Day

Ah, hello, Mr Christ, and welcome to the Today studio. May I call you "JC?" Now, our producer is very pleased that you have agreed to drop in and do a Thought for the Day broadcast today, as it is one in the eye for that Telegraph journalist (Thompson was it?) who said you would never be invited on the programme.

So, when we found out from Twitter that you were here for some sort of "Second Coming" event, our producer said, "Let's invite him, whoever he is." I guess you've got a busy schedule ahead, eh, JC? According to the briefing notes, you'll be judging the quick and the dead later on, then? A sort of World's Got Talent, I suppose.

He will come to judge the slow and the brain-dead

Still, you've got a nice day for this "Second Coming" of yours. You know, it was wise of you to wait until the Jubilee and the launch of The Fix were over - you wouldn't have wanted your event to be overshadowed by those, would you?

So, JC, I gather that you're not originally from these shores, but that you have been here before. Indeed, according to my notes, your feet in ancient time walked upon England's mountains green. Well, walking is good healthy exercise, and very important in our struggle against climate change, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Probably NOT the Messiah, out for a walk

Now, one of our regular contributors to Thought for the Day, the great Giles Fraser, says that he's very pleased you'll be doing the broadcast. He's something of an admirer of yours, even if he doesn't share very many of your opinions. So if you meet him in the hospitality room, try not to be overawed by his magnificence - he's only human!

"Of course Jesus's views need updating for 21st century audiences"

So let's look at the script now. Well, there are one or two problems, as I'm sure you'll appreciate. Could we put in a little work on those "Beatitudes" of yours? I'd suggest something like:

Blessed are ye, if ye struggle for equality and diversity; for ye shall receive large government grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye campaign against global warming; for ye shall receive large research council grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye sing the praises of Europe; for ye shall receive large European grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye renounce God and attack His churches; for the government will make laws to support you.

Perhaps also you could affirm your support for women bishops, abortion, euthanasia, and gay marriage? JC, sweetie, that sort of thing does go down terribly well with the sort of audience we're trying to attract.

VADE RETRO ME, SATANA !

Eh? What does that mean? It sounds wonderfully ethnically diverse, but I can't place it. Spanish, is it? And please don't shout, I've got a terrible headache...

It's a pity the Event clashes with Euro 2012 and Wimbledon