Pope Francis agrees to forgive Jesus

In his homily for the Feast of the Holy Family, Pope Francis had this to say:

Instead of returning home with his family, he stayed in Jerusalem, in the Temple, causing great distress to Mary and Joseph who were unable to find him. For this little "escapade", Jesus probably had to beg forgiveness of his parents. The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

"Now, about your Guardian articles, Father Fraser..."

Clearly Pope Francis has forgiven Our Lord for "going about His Father's business", and in this Year of Mercy it is only right that a truly humble Pope should point out God's sins and try to forgive them. No previous Pope has even dared to try.

Another famous sin that only Pope Francis can forgive was the drowning of the Gerasene (or Gadarene) Swine. You will recall that there was a man possessed by demons - probably he led a fulfilling lifestyle as an alternative comedian on Radio 4, with a huge Twitter following - and his demons were driven out into the pigs, and thence into the sea.

Jesus cureth the alternative comedian.

For a long time after, Farmer Giles wondered what had happened to his pigs, but did he receive any apology - let alone compensation - from Jesus? I think not. It is time for Pope Francis, on behalf of the entire Catholic Church, to forgive Jesus's thoughtless actions.

On another occasion Jesus drove people out of the Temple with a whip of knotted cords - whenever anyone says "What would Jesus do?" this is certainly an answer I like to give. The Bible says the people were selling pigeons and changing money, but it is likely that they were also doing even more heinous things.

"Luckily he hasn't seen that we're also selling copies of the Tablet!"

Jesus was obliged to apologise for losing his temper in this way. In the immortal words of Pope Francis: The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

Having, in his short reign, attacked the entire Catholic Church, from the Curia downwards, Pope Francis is naturally anxious to reconstruct God in his own image, and we look forward to reading more stories of the Holy Father mercifully forgiving God's sins over the next few months.

Christian elected as party leader shock horror

The news that Tim Farron, an Anglican, has been elected as party leader of the Liberal Democrats has sent waves of horror through the media. Why couldn't they follow the lead of the deeply sensitive Labour party, which was seriously considering electing cuddly Jeremy Corbyn, a simple socialist with links to extremism and terrorism? No, the Lib Dems had decided to abandon all hopes of electoral success by going for a God-botherer, the sort of chap who believed in sky fairies and ideas invented by bronze-age goatherds (etc. etc. etc.) WAS THAT RIGHT? I MEAN, WAS THAT RIGHT?

Tim Farron... or a renegade Time Lord?

John Humphrys, doyen of the Today programme, is in no doubt that Farron should quit politics, and preferably hang himself. "These Christians, we know what they're like. They kneel down in churches, asking God for guidance, rather than simply getting it from the Guardian, as the rest of us do. They read the Bible - well, some of them do - as if it could possibly contain something relevant to modern life."

It was pointed out that David Cameron also describes himself as a Christian. "Yes, but he's the right sort of Christian. He doesn't let his religious beliefs affect his actions in the slightest. You wouldn't catch him letting his conscience get in the way of what was politically expedient."

Should atheists be allowed to deny God on Radio 4?

Then we mentioned to Mr Humphrys that his colleague Giles Fraser was also a Christian, in fact a professional "man in a dress" , alleged to have a spiritual life outside his metropolitan Guardianista activities. "Really? Are you sure of that? I would never have guessed. Why, he's a good BBC man. How can he possibly be a Christian?"

Over at Channel 4, the channel set up to promote sexual deviancy (in the days before we realised that the BBC was already doing this, even when not asked to), Cathy Newman took over the attack. "What do we know about Christians? (Thumbs through Channel 4 guide to religion.) Oh yes, they're obsessed by sex. Eh? What's wrong with that? Oh I see, they hate sex. If they had their way sex would be illegal. Obviously, Tim Farron is trying to make the human race die out by stopping us all from having sex. And most of all Christians hate homosexuals. Why do we never see Tim Farron on Gay Pride marches? Is he letting his beliefs influence his beliefs? Er, I mean... Anyway, we never had this trouble with the Satanic Fire-worshipper who was on last week."

Cathy Newman rejects the ideals of her kinsman John Henry Newman.

Tim Farron remains defiant. "I'm only an Anglican," he retorted. "It's not as if I had really controversial beliefs, like the Catholics! But I'm thinking of becoming a Muslim. That way the BBC and Channel 4 won't dare to criticise my faith."

Into the wilderness for Lent

So Eccles prepared to go into the wilderness for Lent. On the day before Ash Wednesday the world had celebrated a big festival: formerly called Shrove Tuesday, it was now universally known as Pancake Day, being a day when all mankind - except for the starving millions - was obliged to gorge itself on pancakes. Apparently, this was in honour of the blessed St Pancake, a Roman martyr who achieved immortality by having a railway station named after him.

The face of St Pancake appears in a plate.

Enough of this foolery. Lent arrived, and Eccles retreated into the wilderness. The first wilderness he tried was the desert of Telegraph blogs. Here there had clearly once been a great civilization: people spoke in hushed tones of the legendary Damian Thompson, James Delingpole, Tom Chivers, Daniel Hannan, and the millions who hung on their every word.

But when Eccles arrived, he saw a deserted wasteland. In one corner, Judith Potts was gallantly carrying on her popular series of "cancer" posts: "Why cancer can be fun", "Make the most of your cancer", "How we grew to love cancer", ... and so on. In another corner, there was still Pete Wedderburn with his "furry animal" blog: "Why the possum is man's best friend", "Give your mother a scorpion for her birthday" and "A gorilla is for life, not just for Christmas".

One of Pete Wedderburn's remaining fans.

But apart from that, nothing. No Toby Youngs, no Norman Tebbits, not even a humble Geoffrey Lean. What calamity had struck the Telegraph? All Eccles could find was a broken statue, bearing the following words: MY NAME IS DAMIAN THOMPSON, KING OF KINGS, LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR...

Lies, all lies...

Eccles moved on to the Guardian, well-known as a wasteland full of dangerous creatures. There he suffered three temptations at the hands of Giles Fraser. At this point, some readers will say "There is no such thing as Giles Fraser. He doesn’t exist. At his best, he is a very human projection of ourselves and our darkest nature." But still, the legend goes as follows:

Fraser showed Eccles his Guardian articles and said: "If you are a saved person, then turn these stones into spiritual nourishment." But Eccles replies: "It is written: 'Man cannot live on the words of Giles Fraser, but only on words that come from the mouth of God.'"

Then Fraser took Eccles up to the moral high ground, from where he could look down into the abyss of Radio 4. "Jump in," he said. "If you are a saved person, then the Lord will protect you from the Today Programme, the Moral Maze, and all other places where my views are to be found." But Eccles replied, "Don't tempt me to turn on the radio. Please."

Can Radio 4 really lead you to Evan?

Finally Fraser showed Eccles all the United Kingdom and its splendour. "Bow down and worship Ed Miliband," he said. "and a new socialist era will dawn, in which children may learn all about homosexual relations, yeah, even at the age of five. What's not to like?"

But Eccles shouted "Get thee behind me, Fraser!" and left for another wilderness.

Eccles flees the human projection of our darkest nature.

To be continued.

Giles Fraser may not exist, but we need him.

Our guest blogger Cormac Murphy-O'Stopheles writes:

It is unfortunate that the Church of England has just decided to remove all mention of Father Giles Fraser from the baptism service. He will be missed.

Giles Fraser - more than just a pantomime villain.

Now don’t get me wrong. There is no such thing as Giles Fraser. He doesn’t exist. However, as a very human projection of ourselves and our darkest nature, he plays a vital role. Under his various titles - priest-in-charge at St Mary's Newington, Thinker of the Day of Radio 4, Threader of the Immoral Maze, Father Dave Spart of the Guardian, Stonewall Hero of the Year - orthodox Christians have dreaded him for many years.

Thus, in the Church of England Baptism ceremony, the victim's sponsors were asked, "Do ye renounce Giles Fraser and all his works? Will ye turn off your radio the moment he comes on, as ye do for Stephen Fry? Do ye promise to consign the Guardian to the depths of thy trashcan?"

One way to renounce Giles Fraser.

"Oh, we do, we do, we do!" comes the response, and a huge burden is lifted from the shoulders of those present. At least in principle.

However, these days young people do not listen to Radio 4, nor read the Guardian, and, as the Bishop of Truro has pointed out: "Those who work with young people give constant advice that references to Giles Fraser are likely to be misunderstood in today’s culture." Of course it would be too much effort to explain those references, since bishops are busy people, and many young people have an attention span only slightly superior to that of a goldfish.

"I can't remember what Giles Fraser said, but I'm sure it was excellent."

So, Giles Fraser is consigned to the dustbin of Anglican history, and this is a pity, as he embodies a side of humankind that we do not face often enough. However, you may still encounter him in the Catholic liturgy, as seen in a famous documentary film about baptisms called the Godfather.

Sorry, but I quite like Giles Fraser.

Prayer 2: Who do I pray to?

Our mini-series on prayer continues. More correctly, the title of this piece should be "To whom do I pray?" and if you didn't spot that you may be the sort of person who says ungrammatical prayers. Be warned.

The first thing to note is that not all prayers are uttered to God, or even to the saints. For example, if Giles Fraser comes on Thought for the Day, telling us what Christ thought about Greek debt, the reaction of millions is to shout at the radio: "Shut up, you clown! Just shut up!" This is clearly a prayer addressed to Giles himself.

Our Fraser, who art always on Radio 4...

Then again, if your car breaks down, you may well pray to it. "Come on! What's wrong with you?" Frankly, this sort of prayer is less likely to work, and your car would benefit from a proper (and not necessarily religious) service.

Right! I warned you!

But let's consider prayers issued in more conventional circumstances. Obviously, some prayers are directed to God, as they should be. "Our Father!" etc. No problem. But then, at least in the Catholic tradition, some are addressed to other members of the congregation: "I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters..." Or, in the Protestant traditions too, "The Lord be with you," then "And also with you" or "And with your spirit". Is this a prayer to God, or just talking about God behind His back?

"It's 'Ite, missa est' from me." ... "And also from him."

Then we come to the vexed question of praying to saints. Catholics like to recite the Hail Mary, pray to guardian angels, and talk to saints. The idea is that these guys may intercede with God, or even perform miracles through delegated divine power. Protestants aren't always too keen on this idea, of course. Brother Bosco of the Calvary Chapel would condemn it all as idolatry, worshipping graven images, etc.

Today being St Blaise's day, this may be a good time to pray for healing of injuries and afflictions of the throat. Luckily, St Blaise is a saint, for a lesser being might say "Look, you've all ignored me for 364 days of the year. Why does everyone have to pester me today?"

A challenge for St Blaise: a giraffe with laryngitis.

Well, one final remark. It may well be OK to pray to saints. However, the next stage of familiarity - holding a séance and summoning them to a darkened room where a load of slightly tipsy dinner-party guests are sitting at a round table holding hands - is OUT. St Blaise may be willing to help with sore throats, but he prefers to remain at a distance, and you will NOT get a better service if you invite him into your home.

"I don't usually do home visits."

So in the next instalment we'll consider what you should say to your chosen prayee.

Alternative-to-thought for the Day

We are delighted to be able to print excerpts from the Alternative-to-thought for the Day, by St Julian of Assange, who is currently incarcerated in a broom cupboard in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

The founder of Wookieleaks speaks out.

For those unaware of the context, the BBC Radio 4 Today Programme has had a series of guest editors this week, chosen for their great wisdom and erudition. On this occasion it was Dr Miley Cyrus, professor of Twerkonomics at the University of Nashville, who nominated St Julian to provide the Alternative-to-thought for the Day. Over to you, Julie!

O God, get me out of this dump!

Catholics!? Dontchahatem?! Always keeping secrets! I know all about this - a Catholic priest dropped into the Ecuadorian Embassy recently, and my hosts said I could interview him once I'd finished dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, fixing a wikileaking tap, and peeling the potatoes. "Father Llamedos," I said. "Tell me what people have been saying to you in the Confessional recently. We have a right to be told, and to publish it on the Internet." To my consternation and disgust, the priest refused to tell me any good gossip. I've heard that many other priests take the same secretive line.

"They've leaked some fascinating confessions here, Holy Father!"

Of course I blame God really. He was going to keep the arrival of Jesus as a surprise, simply publishing the Good News hundreds of years afterwards. Luckily our agents, Isaiah, Jeremiah and Micah, managed to post a warning on the WookieProphet site, forcing the Heavenly authorities to revise their plans. Indeed, when Jesus was born, rather obscurely, in Bethlehem, we managed to leak the news to some shepherds by broadcasting the cryptic message "GLORIA IN EXCELSIS DEO." Although in the end we were unsuccessful, we also did our best to warn King Herod, so that he could have killed Jesus straight away, saving the lives of dozens of children.

The shepherds hear the message of the Assangels.

In more recent times, Catholicism has always been associated with secrecy, whereas Protestantism is the doctrine of freedom. For example, Latin was originally devised by the Romans as a way of keeping their messages secret. "AMO, AMAS, AMAT," they would say, and the common people wouldn't even guess that there was a three-way love affair going on. The Catholics took up the language, and to this day they use Latin Masses as a way of preventing our citizens from empowering themselves. In our Embassy the Masses are mostly in Spanish, Quichua and Shuar, and quite right too. Personally, I have converted to Incaism, which was once an important religion in my country of Ecuador. No Catholicism for me!

"Shine, Viracocha, Shine!" or just Assange at twilight.

Thank you very much, St Julian. You are a beacon of hope that opens the doors to freedom, and a key that lights the path to liberty. And we know you're very popular in Sweden.

Thought for the Day

Ah, hello, Mr Christ, and welcome to the Today studio. May I call you "JC?" Now, our producer is very pleased that you have agreed to drop in and do a Thought for the Day broadcast today, as it is one in the eye for that Telegraph journalist (Thompson was it?) who said you would never be invited on the programme.

So, when we found out from Twitter that you were here for some sort of "Second Coming" event, our producer said, "Let's invite him, whoever he is." I guess you've got a busy schedule ahead, eh, JC? According to the briefing notes, you'll be judging the quick and the dead later on, then? A sort of World's Got Talent, I suppose.

He will come to judge the slow and the brain-dead

Still, you've got a nice day for this "Second Coming" of yours. You know, it was wise of you to wait until the Jubilee and the launch of The Fix were over - you wouldn't have wanted your event to be overshadowed by those, would you?

So, JC, I gather that you're not originally from these shores, but that you have been here before. Indeed, according to my notes, your feet in ancient time walked upon England's mountains green. Well, walking is good healthy exercise, and very important in our struggle against climate change, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Probably NOT the Messiah, out for a walk

Now, one of our regular contributors to Thought for the Day, the great Giles Fraser, says that he's very pleased you'll be doing the broadcast. He's something of an admirer of yours, even if he doesn't share very many of your opinions. So if you meet him in the hospitality room, try not to be overawed by his magnificence - he's only human!

"Of course Jesus's views need updating for 21st century audiences"

So let's look at the script now. Well, there are one or two problems, as I'm sure you'll appreciate. Could we put in a little work on those "Beatitudes" of yours? I'd suggest something like:

Blessed are ye, if ye struggle for equality and diversity; for ye shall receive large government grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye campaign against global warming; for ye shall receive large research council grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye sing the praises of Europe; for ye shall receive large European grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye renounce God and attack His churches; for the government will make laws to support you.

Perhaps also you could affirm your support for women bishops, abortion, euthanasia, and gay marriage? JC, sweetie, that sort of thing does go down terribly well with the sort of audience we're trying to attract.

VADE RETRO ME, SATANA !

Eh? What does that mean? It sounds wonderfully ethnically diverse, but I can't place it. Spanish, is it? And please don't shout, I've got a terrible headache...

It's a pity the Event clashes with Euro 2012 and Wimbledon