Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."

Praying to become an Olympic event

With the news that the 2020 Olympic Games are to be held in Tokyo, it has also been announced that Praying is to become an Olympic event. Prayer is encouraged by religious leaders of all persuasions, and it is only natural that it should now become competitive as it was in the days of Elijah and the prophets of Baal.

A tense moment in the England v India pray-offs.

The rules of the sport are very simple: competitors may pray to any Deity or other Being, alive or dead, and not necessarily of their own nationality (otherwise, God being an Englishman, an unfair advantage would be had by English prayers). Even prayers to the Spirit of Vatican II are allowed. The first competitor to obtain a miracle - as attested by the two umpires - wins the game. In the case of a disagreement, a third umpire will be available, provided with the latest digital miracle-evaluation equipment.

Two sportsmen are miraculously granted halos, but they slip slightly.

Auxiliary equipment is permitted: for example, Catholics have been using the latest in Rosary Technology and Muslims train on special mats. However, certain items, such as the relics of saints, are forbidden. For example, a Spanish prayer was recently disqualified when traces of St Imulant were discovered in his pockets.

Naturally, there are rules regarding what is acceptable as a miracle. Asking for the cure of a sick person is fine, asking for Stephen Fry to shut up for 24 hours is not (however much such a surprising event might benefit humanity).

Another miracle from the English mixed doubles team.

In conclusion, this is definitely a sport in which the British have excellent chances. Between now and 2020 we expect to see an increase in prayer, as "pray-mania" takes over the country. The BBC is already planning to cash in, with programmes such as "The Pray Factor", "Pray Match Special" and "Britain's got Prayers".

There must be money in praying - even Simon Cowell is interested!

New Pope criticised on all sides

Jerusalem, AD 33. Pope Peter, the new occupant of the Chair of St Peter, has been severely criticised both by traditional and liberal commentators following his taking office two weeks ago.

Pope Peter - a new era for the church?

Since the departure of Jesus, last seen mysteriously disappearing into a cloud, Pope Peter is now the leader of several hundred Catholics worldwide, all of whom are waiting to see in which direction he will take the Church.

Traditionalist bloggers, led by Roar at Galilee, have already criticised Pope Peter on the following grounds:

1. He has abandoned the tradition of walking on water, probably because he is not very good at it.

2. He seems unwilling to celebrate Masses in Latin, preferring a modernist Aramaic service.

3. Following a rather sordid incident involving a cock crowing, Pope Peter has been accused of complicity with the repressive Pontius Pilate junta.

4. So far Peter has refused to wear the traditional halo.

Roar at Galilee has called for a return to the age of miracles, saying that what Pope Peter needs is a little more Spirit. With Pentecost rapidly approaching, it will be interesting to see whether the new pope can satisfy such critics.

Meanwhile, liberal Catholics are equally disappointed. The Tablistines People's Front (Pepinster, Curti, Beattie, Stourton, ...) has observed with dismay that the new Pope is showing himself distinctly reluctant to embrace abortion, euthanasia, same-sex relationships or women apostles. "I feel let down - I only joined the Catholic church for way-out sex and violence," complained one Tablistine.

Ed Stourton, who has complained that a baboon keeps peering through his window.

At this stage the general feeling is one of disappointment. It is clear that Peter will not be able to match the record of his illustrious predecessor: nonetheless, some have said that dropping the "King of Kings" role and presenting the Pope as a simple fisherman may be just what is needed to increase the popularity of the Church.

Simple fish and chips - a dish fit for a modern 1st century Pope.

Savin de sole of Peter

Bosco is indeed loved by de Lord. You will recall dat he won a stattue in a compettition, but in de end it got sent back, and he was waitin for a repplacement prize.

Today de new prize arrived. It aint a whole stattue, just de foot of one. It was too big for de house, so we stuck it in de gardden.

Dere was a labbel attached to it, "St Peter". Dis is one of dem Cathlic saints dat we in de Calumny Chappel aint too happy about, but Bosco finks we might be able to save him if we makes an effort and prays for his sole. So we is gonna kiss de foot every day as part of our devottions. We knows it annoys de Pop, so dat's a bonnus.

Our daley warship also includs bowin down to de Calumny Chappel Dove, prayin for Anti Moly to recover her sensses - Fridday is her reggular meltdown day and we aint gonna git much sleep tonihgt - and shoutin "YOU AINT SAVED" at de kids goin to de muvvers-and-toddlers gruop, sure dey bursts into tears but de Moms knows we is doin it in de Lord's name.

Bosco aint doin to well wiv his thoelogical ressearch right now. What he usually does is type somethin into Goggle e.g. "Cathlics is all pigs" or "Cathlics is all rappists" and cut and paste de ressults into Damain Thopmson's blogg. Sometimes he misstypes, and so readers is rather nonnplused to get an article on Cathodes - Bosco used dat to explane dat, when dere aint nuffin good on de tellevision, de Pop likes tyin ellectrodes to poeple and den switchin on de current - and anuvver one on Catterick - which is an army campp, and Bosco used dat to prove dat the Pop likes shootin poeple wot owns Bibbles.

Still nobody reads Bosco's posts in detale, so a few little errors aint gonna be notticed.

My bruvver still aint mannaged to get a proper hallo and wings to wear in de street to show to poeple dat he is saved. Dis is what he is gonna wear to a job interveiw wiv de local unddertakers (more detales next time, perrhaps).

De two hallos you is carryin is good Bosco, but saved poeple doesnt normally wear a lake of fire on de head, and I fink you has been sent rings not wings, did you misstype de order? Bosco's typin aint all that good, which is odd as I aint nevver had any probblems.

Well, we gotta do an advert, so here goes.

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FOR DE CATHLIC WOT LIKES SOCKPOPPETS

GIT YOUSSELF A BOSCO IDDLE

WHY NOT GIVVIM A BIG KISS?

Bad day for Bosco

Well Bosco had a bad day. As I explaned he was gonna get himself a hallo and wings, so dat poeple in de street would nottice him and say "Dis man is saved." His first attempt at dressin like an angle weren't very sucessful, but he was certtainly notissed. We gotta try another shop, Bosco, dere is somefink sutbly wrong wiv your costtume, I rekcons.

Den he got into trubble for tryin to set fire to a shop dat was sellin iddles. De spiritaul juorney of a saved pusson aint always easy, Bosco my dere.

Bosco is very cross dat de Pop has been to Maddrid. "Why does dey let him go to World Youf Day when he's 84?" he asked me. "Dat's nearly as old as Anti Moly! It just shows dat dem Cathlics cant get any yuong poeple to go."
My thoery is dat de Pop is there to sell his books, cos he writes a lot of dem, and also to conficsate any Bibbles dat he finds, as Cathlics aint allowed to read de Bibble like we does.

Brakin news: Anti Moly has been releesed from St Hysteria's hopsital, even thuogh she's still cakcling uncontrolably. Here is a photto of her on her way home to her loved ones (Bosco and Eccles).

Finally, dis blogg is now gettin some sponssorship and so I gotta put adverts on it occassionally.

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IS YOUR SOLE DIRTY? DEN USE CALUMNY CHAPPEL SOPE TO WASH YORE SINS AWAY.

WE GAURANTEES YOU IS SAVED, OR ELSE YOU GITS YOUR MONNEY BACK.

ALSO GOOD FOR CLEENIN STATTUES AND GRAVVEN IMAGGES.

No sinners in de Chappel

Bosco, it panes me to record dis story, but we has got to face de facts. An ennemy has claimed dat dere is a sinner in de Calumny Chappel. Dat is strange as we is all saved.

Anyway, Pastor Al Symphony got an strange letter yesterdday, sayin "YOU HAS A SINNER IN DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL. Singed, a well-wisher". We couldn't find out who dis Mr Well-Wisher was, he aint in de phon book, so we finks it may be a sockpuppet. We told Anti Moly, who had been up all nihgt bloggin, and she said it was a rabit and she wanted to eat his donkeys. Sometimes she dont make a lot of sense.

Pastor Al called us all toggether, and said "We in de Calumny Chappel is born again and so we doesnt sin, but maybe dere is a vipper in de bossom. I gonna list a few common sins and if you has done dem, you gotta confess."

"Has you made a cemment iddle?"
"No, dat's de most evil sin anyone can do!" shouted Bosco. He turned to his little statue of St Peter dat he carries wiv im at all times in case he needs to pray. "Aint it, Pete?"

"Has you attempted to kill your little bruvver wiv a South Americcan blowpip?"
Bosco went very red then. Did I mention dat he have taken up smokkin a pip? Perhaps dis is affectin his luvvly complexoin.

"Has you been allowin sinners into your house?"
We is OK on dat one. Dere was an old Cathlic priest came round collectin for one of his vile charrities, I fink it was de widows and orphans. We set Anti Moly on him and he ran screemin down de road.

"No?" asked de Pastor. "Well dat proves it, we is all free from sin. I aint surprised, after all we is all saved. We shall now sing a hynm."

Oh come, all ye sinless
Joyfull and triumphant
Oh come ye, dat's all been saved,
To Ca-a-lum-ny.
Jesus says dat we is
Absolutely rightoeus.
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
We, dat's been saved!

Bosco was so pleased dat he went out and got some special clothes, so dat everyone in de street would know he was saved, includdin a funny ring dat he wears round his head. De eagle-eyed will notiss dat he dont have a big nose any more. It fell off and we couldnt save it. But who needs a big nose in Heavn?

Dem is de keys to de Calumny Chappel dat he is holdin. Pastor Al let Bosco pose wiv dem for de fambly albbum.