Pagans in Communion Conference

Yes, presented by www.christrecovery.com, it's the conference for all whose pagan leanings have been affected by Catholicism!

Nothing to do with this event, honest!

If you are a Pagan formerly associated with or affected by Catholicism, or are seeking to understand the effects of Catholicsm on our Pagan faith, then this conference is for you!

We feel your pain. Rigid Catholics who use words like "sin", "redemption" and "Christ" can cause untold distress to good Pagans such as ourselves, and it is important for us to have a conference as a way of giving each other support.

Two keynote speakers!

Yes, we are honoured to welcome Joe Biden, part-time president of the United States, who will give a keynote address on the subject of "Urgle burgle who am I splunge where's the ice-cream?" explaining how he was traumatized when a Catholic told him that killing babies was wrong.

We shall also be hearing from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, author of "Are you gay? If not, why not?" - a manual for seminarians.

We shall hold synod-style bonding sessions!

We shall obviously play down the religious side of our beliefs - it is much more important to focus on OURSELVES rather than GOD - but we shall certainly sing a few happy songs (we don't use the h-word these days!) such as "All are welcome", "Gather us in", "On eagle's wings", etc.

As we meditate on just how horrible Catholicism is, we shall discuss the wonders of alternative beliefs, such as in Pachamama or the following message, seen at King's Crescent Railway Station.

The Stations of the Crescent - a lesson to us all.

Actually, some of us are a little unhappy with using words like "sinners", so there will be a trigger warning on this, and those likely to be offended may wish to miss out on this session. We are now trying to persuade the station to display more friendly messages such as "Remember, you are perfect already!"

Anyway, we are not here simply to moan about Catholicism, we will be partying as well! One of our keynote speakers, Blase Cupich, has donated some birthday cake, and all are welcome to share it (except Arthur Roche, who has his own cake).

This gluten-free, vegan and climate-friendly cupcake is also guaranteed Catholic-free!

LATE NEWS: Some orthodox Catholics have been detected trying to gatecrash our conference. All future bookings must be accompanied by a letter of support from either (a) a Jesuit; (b) Austen Ivereigh; or (c) Someone who writes for "Where Peter Is".

Ordinariate for pagans announced

Following the announcement that the Church of England is to welcome pagans - which most people thought to have happened many years ago - Pope Francis has announced the creation of a new Ordinariate, enabling pagans to convert to Catholicism while still preserving all that's best in Pagan Patrimony.

Ancient stones - these are considered holy by many pagans.

Originally, it was thought that Pope Francis was hostile to the Ordinariate - simply because there are not many disillusioned Anglicans in Argentina - but he has now seen the wisdom of Pope Benedict's ideas, and is prepared to take them further.

The first step will be to set up an Pagan Ordinariate church in London. This is already proving difficult, simply as there are no convenient stone circles at hand. It is thought that it will be necessary to import some, and install them in a convenient open space, perhaps just in front of Westminster Cathedral.

The Twelve Apostles (Ilkley Moor). Will they move to Westminster?

Some aspects of Pagan Worship may be hard to assimilate into the Catholic Mass. For example, it was thought at first that taking off all one's clothes and dancing in the light of the moon was too far from established Catholic tradition. However, having been shown examples of liturgical dancing at Liverpool Cathedral and elsewhere, the Pope no longer believes that this will be a problem.

Liturgical dancing (alternatively, the choir may perform a Gregorian chant).

Following the "Stonehenge II" council in the 1960s, human sacrifices are no longer part of mainstream pagan worship, but they are still be allowed for "traddy" pagans who request it from their local Archwizard. For such traditionalists to join the Ordinariate, suitable provision will be made in the Catholic liturgy. A papal encyclical De Humano Immolando is in preparation, which will clarify this issue. Many other Pagan traditions should be assimilated with little trouble.

A Catholic "cage" mass, where the priest pretends to be a budgerigar.

Reactions to the Pope's proposal have been mixed. Said the Tablet, "This is the sort of brilliant idea that we would never have seen when we were crushed by the iron jackboot of Pope Benedict. It takes the emphasis away from God, and focuses it on ourselves, so it must be good."

After all, this is very similar to some existing Catholic Masses.

On the other hand, pagan leaders are furious that the Catholic Church is attempting to "poach" its believers without any consultation. Said Arch-Pendragon Getafix (formerly Jim Tharg), "It's a disgrace. They're even asking Paul Inwood to publish a Pagan setting of the Mass, including animal noises and the sounds of witches screeching - apparently, this will only require minor modifications to his existing work."

Monsignor Snape prepares for Mass.

Finally, the "Magic Circle" of Catholic bishops in England and Wales is also showing enthusiasm for the idea of a Pagan Ordinariate. Archbishop Nichols has long had excellent relations with Rowan Williams, a druid who rose to a senior position in the Church of England, and he is therefore expected to be very responsive to the idea of Pagan Patrimony.

We'll now sing "All things bright and beautiful."