Amazonis Laetitia

The Instrumentum Laboris for the forthcoming Amazon synod has been released, and here are some excerpts from the document, which was edited by Cardinal Piranha, the special nuncio to the Amazon jungle. We expect to see many future synods named after rivers, including the Mississippi Synod, the Yangtze Synod, and - most heretical of all - the Rhine Synod, at which the German bishops will be instructed to "wash away all the old teachings".

Amazonis Laetitia

As always, the Catholic Church is guided by her faith in the Mother Earth Goddess, and her attendant Spirits, of which we mention Viracocha, Quetzalcoatl, Bergoglio, Maradiaga, etc. It has naturally been discovered that doctrine has evolved since the boring old 1st Century, and along the following lines.

"Peace be with you!"

Marriage of priests. Following detailed researches into Church customs, it has been agreed that priests shall be allowed to marry, but none should have more than six wives. Coincidentally, this brings us into line with best practice in the Church of England, whose founder also had six wives; thus it may be regarded as an ecumenical gesture.

Human sacrifices. This is a theological grey area, but very important, and so we have relegated the new doctrine to an ambiguous footnote on page 94. It is generally agreed that human sacrifices are at best an optional form of the liturgy (like the "sign of peace" but less offensive), and we expect the German bishops to take a lead here. Provided that "discernment" and "accompaniment" are stressed, who are we to judge?

The Spirit of Vat-Inca II.

Women priests and deacons. Traditionally the Catholic Church has said that it is impossible to ordain women to holy orders (see the encyclical Retro in Cocinatorium ("Get back in the kitchen").) However, there is evidence (thank you, Fr Martin!) that in fact three of the twelve apostles were women, and one was not at all sure, and we haven't even mentioned the view that Mary Magdalene founded the Church. So it is definitely a grey area, and if it's one thing the Church is here for, it is to provide Jobs for the Boys (and Girls!) So we will mumble ambiguously about this one for a few months until suddenly everyone notices that lots of the priests are in fact female.

Liturgical blowpipes. Here we are stressing the traditional Christian line that firing poisoned darts at your neighbour (tipped with the venom of the serpent Blasus Cupichus) during Mass is considered to be bad manners; still, some bishops may choose to allow the custom. The priest, on the other hand, may fire suitably blessed blowpipes at unruly members of the congregation, although like the Extraordinary Form Mass, this is something we do not really encourage.

Fr Blopipe practices his rituals.

Dubia, Filial Corrections, Rude letters from theologians, etc. These will be ignored, as usual, except that if we find out where you live, you may suddenly disappear. Understood?

Walking with Incas

The appearance of Peruvian tenor Juan Diego Flórez singing Rule Britannia while dressed as an Inca chief has awakened people to the realization that there are increasing numbers of Incas in the UK - two or three million at the last census - and they do not always assimilate easily with the indigenous population.

An increasingly common sight on the streets of Britain.

Some people object to the Inca religion, the "religion of peace", because of its human sacrifices, although the more tolerant of us have learned to respect these cultural differences. It is a different matter with the radicalised Incas, who shout "Viracocha" - often on trains - before dragging away children for slaughter on a high mountain.

Peace-loving Incas such as Juan Diego will have none of this. "Of course, the Incan liturgies do require the occasional sacrifice, but for everyday "low" services, we tend to do non-human sacrifices - perhaps a teddy bear."

Some Incan priests slaughter a bear like this in the "Paddington" rite.

Pope Francis, as a fellow South American, is very sympathetic to the Incan religion, and has already had "constructive" meetings with the Incan Archbishop of Cusco, who has promised to slaughter a llama as a form of prayer for him.

Churches like this are starting to appear in our city centres.

So I hope that this little piece has helped to promote Christian/Incan tolerance, dialogue, walking together, and of course mercy.

Alternative-to-thought for the Day

We are delighted to be able to print excerpts from the Alternative-to-thought for the Day, by St Julian of Assange, who is currently incarcerated in a broom cupboard in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

The founder of Wookieleaks speaks out.

For those unaware of the context, the BBC Radio 4 Today Programme has had a series of guest editors this week, chosen for their great wisdom and erudition. On this occasion it was Dr Miley Cyrus, professor of Twerkonomics at the University of Nashville, who nominated St Julian to provide the Alternative-to-thought for the Day. Over to you, Julie!

O God, get me out of this dump!

Catholics!? Dontchahatem?! Always keeping secrets! I know all about this - a Catholic priest dropped into the Ecuadorian Embassy recently, and my hosts said I could interview him once I'd finished dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, fixing a wikileaking tap, and peeling the potatoes. "Father Llamedos," I said. "Tell me what people have been saying to you in the Confessional recently. We have a right to be told, and to publish it on the Internet." To my consternation and disgust, the priest refused to tell me any good gossip. I've heard that many other priests take the same secretive line.

"They've leaked some fascinating confessions here, Holy Father!"

Of course I blame God really. He was going to keep the arrival of Jesus as a surprise, simply publishing the Good News hundreds of years afterwards. Luckily our agents, Isaiah, Jeremiah and Micah, managed to post a warning on the WookieProphet site, forcing the Heavenly authorities to revise their plans. Indeed, when Jesus was born, rather obscurely, in Bethlehem, we managed to leak the news to some shepherds by broadcasting the cryptic message "GLORIA IN EXCELSIS DEO." Although in the end we were unsuccessful, we also did our best to warn King Herod, so that he could have killed Jesus straight away, saving the lives of dozens of children.

The shepherds hear the message of the Assangels.

In more recent times, Catholicism has always been associated with secrecy, whereas Protestantism is the doctrine of freedom. For example, Latin was originally devised by the Romans as a way of keeping their messages secret. "AMO, AMAS, AMAT," they would say, and the common people wouldn't even guess that there was a three-way love affair going on. The Catholics took up the language, and to this day they use Latin Masses as a way of preventing our citizens from empowering themselves. In our Embassy the Masses are mostly in Spanish, Quichua and Shuar, and quite right too. Personally, I have converted to Incaism, which was once an important religion in my country of Ecuador. No Catholicism for me!

"Shine, Viracocha, Shine!" or just Assange at twilight.

Thank you very much, St Julian. You are a beacon of hope that opens the doors to freedom, and a key that lights the path to liberty. And we know you're very popular in Sweden.