Cardinal says that Jesus had two heads

The Vatican's logo for the Jubilee Year of Mercy is proving controversial, as it is based on a new theory of Cardinal Kasper ("the Pope's jester") that Our Lord had two heads.

Sr Wendy Beckett writes: What a delightful painting this is. We see a two-headed man on skis, wearing an unusual scarf.

Although the Dicephalist heresy is already embodied in pagan culture, and expressed in sayings such as "Two heads are better than one" (or the Orwellists' "One head good, two heads better"), it is certainly unsupported by scripture and tradition. Cardinal Kasper's revival of this heresy is distinctly worrying, and we are waiting for Cardinals Burke, Pell, Napier, Sarah, etc. to give definitive guidance on the matter.

St Zaphod of Beeblebrox (St Z): so holy that he grew a second head.

We did interview Cardinal Kasper, but he was having one of his less coherent days, and told us in no uncertain terms that he himself had seven heads, like the dragon in the Apocalypse. We made our excuses and left.

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IMPORTANT. Some readers of this blog have questioned whether its author is really as saved as he claims to be. However he has now installed an "Ecclestone" in his garden, which should put the matter beyond doubt.

The Ecclestone.

The Tina Beattie farewell tour

Tina's Westminster gig.

As Tina says "goodbye" to the Catholic Church - or at least, most of the Catholic Church says "goodbye" to Tina - in order to provide leadership to the breakaway sect of Roe-ham Catholics, we can now reveal the programme for her farewell tour.

The prestigious venues at which Tina will entertain people with an evening of comedy and variety include the Clifton Hippodrome, the San Diego City Music Hall, the Digby Stuart Saloon Bar, the Crazy Tablet Nightclub, and the very Oddfellows' Hall, Westminster!

The Comedy Theatre - scene of Tina's greatest triumphs.

Yes, Tina will give us her hilarious stage show, where she turns Catholic doctrine on its head and presents us with several hilarious newly-minted heresies! And there is a powerful supporting cast:

Will you welcome "Peppermint" Kate!

"Peppermint" Kate, the comic, who came to fame with her "Dead Tablet" sketch - of which everyone can quote the brilliantly nonsensical line, this is progressive, but responsible Catholic thinking, a place where orthodoxy is at home but ideas are welcome - will be sharing the billing with Tina. And Kate is also a talented contortionist - watch her put her foot in her mouth and her head in the sand!

King Küng.

See King Küng the ape-man strike terror into the audience! This is the creature who tried to scale the walls of the Vatican and sit in the Pope's chair! But is he a real monster, or just a big man in a monkey suit?

Eamon and the Duffers.

Eamon and the Duffers, that well-known singing group from the Emerald Isle, will also be providing musical entertainment: they'll perform a selection of old Irish folk songs, concluding with that very moving ballad about a man carried off by the Soviet forces of the Vatican: Oh Duffy boy, your tripe's, your tripe's appalling.

Cafod Beeblebrox.

Also appearing for the last time, before he is forced to change his name and drop the "Catholic" label, is Cafod Beeblebrox, the two-faced fugitive from justice. He's said to have taken millions of pounds from innocent people who believed that they were supporting orthodox Catholic teaching, but will he get away with it tonight?

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All profits from the Tina Beattie farewell tour will go to the Justice for Tina campaign, and the We love Tina fan club.

"She's going!" Antonio Mennini shows his souvenir programme to some friends.