Attack the Curia the Pope Francis way!

In an attack on the Vatican's bureaucrats this morning (warning, it's a link to the Tablet), Pope Francis listed 15 disorders that he said had infected the Curia, from "spiritual Alzheimer's" to joylessness and "existential schizophrenia".

"You're all afflicted with anagogical head lice!"

Now you too can attack the Curia the Pope Francis way! Choose one from each of Sections A and B below, and Voilà!

Section A

Spiritual
Existential
Philosophical
Numinous
Mystic
Conceptual
Transcendent
Ecclesiastical
Devotional
Asomatous
Sacred
Empirical
Sanctified
Metaphysical
Transmundane
Ineffable
Paranormal
Hermeneutic

"Give it straight to me, Doctor! Have I got gnostic housemaid's knee?"

Section B

Measles
Mumps
Alzheimer's
Schizophrenia
Kleptomania
Dyslexia
Rabies
Lumbago
Boils on the backside
Ingrowing toenails
St Vitus' Dance
Dreaded Lurgi
Hypochondria
Black Death
Space sickness
Lazar's Disease
Clone-Killing Nanovirus
Dragon Pox

A cardinal is rushed to hospital with seraphic laryngitis.

Now, you can talk learnedly at dinner parties about the problems of the Roman Curia. For example, "Mrs Pepinster, I've always said that the Roman Curia was afflicted by Numinous Ingrowing Toenails. How wonderful that Pope Francis is there to sort out the problem!"