Pope introduces hair-washing rite for women

Pope Francis has shocked traditionalists with this week's twenth-ninth change to Catholic teaching and practice - introducing the rite of hair-washing for women on Holy Thursday.

"Hmm... those look like nits to me." The Pope washes a man's hair.

First reports suggested that the change would involve the washing of women's feet, although many women find this offensive, not least the implication that their feet are anything but clean and fragrant. However, the original letter signed by Cardinal Sarah (who, paradoxically, is not a woman, as far as we know) was in error: in fact this year, priests will be expected to offer a permanent wave to devout Catholic women.

The Vatican-approved rite is demonstrated at the Rosica hair salon.

There is some debate about the scriptural authority for head-washing (foot-washing was traditionally regarded as being for men only). Proverbs 25:22 does insist, "Thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee," but this is not a formal recommendation, as the next verse says "Don't try this at home, folks!"

More relevant is Jeremiah 9:1, "Who will give water to my head, and a fountain of tears to my eyes?" which is pretty conclusive, and seems also to be warning against getting shampoo into the eyes of the faithful.

A possible side-effect of ritual hair-washing. No need for a mantilla!

Advice to priests reading this blog: VATICO clerical supplies^TM are offering a new product "Wash, pray'n' go", which is recommended for use in the Novus Ordo hair-washing rite. Buy now while stocks last!

Damian Thompson: pulling strings?

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor writes:

Where it all began to go wrong - Mennini tells me I'm past it.

Nobody could have more respect for Damian Thompson than I do. Like him, I come from beautiful Reading, and dabble occasionally in religious matters. Moreover, I share his passion for custard. But tonight an unusually good source told me that he had read on the Telegraph website that Damian was trying to exert his influence in forthcoming ecclesiastical appointments.

You may think that the life of a retired cardinal is one of idleness - watching Countdown on television, going to church every few weeks, that sort of thing - but in fact I also keep a close watch on activities in Rome, and am very anxious to give this new chap Pope Franklin (memo: check name) the benefit of my experiences.

Why doesn't Damian stick to things he knows about?

I am very dismayed by some of the recent appointments of Catholic bishops in England and Wales. We have seen people like Philip Egan, Mark Davies and Alan Hopes promoted - all nasty traditionalist types who want to bring Christianity back into the Catholic Church. Sometimes I think they prefer the Holy Spirit to the Spirit of Vatican II!

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is to blame here, and I am afraid that Damian Thompson is almost certainly the éminence grise controlling him. (I use the phrase figuratively - Damian is very proud that he has not a single grey hair on his head, and he has won the Telegraph's "best hair" competition five years running.)

The place where Damian Thompson schemes and plots.

Well, the era of Damian's influence is surely coming to an end soon. I've a feeling that many of the top people in Rome - Paolo Gabriele, Battista Ricca, people like that - feel the same way as I do, so I'll be revenged on that nuncio after all!

In my day, they'd even appoint a footballer if I said so!