Anti-religious extremism among tsars

The government has announced an enquiry into anti-religious extremism among tsars (or should that be "czars"?) These are people with no particular qualities - although often they seem to have had peerages thrown at them - appointed to look into matters of concern to the prime minister and her (or his) cronies.

A traditional tsar - not radicalised.

Thus we had Alan Sugar (for American readers, think of Donald Trump, only without the charm and diplomatic skills) as Enterprise Tsar, Mary Portas (the "queen of shops") as High-street Tsar, and so on. However, many people are worried about the radicalisation and anti-religious extremism shown by Louise Casey, the Integration Tsar.

A modern tsar - is the chamber-pot on her head a symbol of radicalism?

Thus the government is expected to appoint a new Integration Tsar, whose job it will be to help the old one adapt to life in modern Britain, where a significant number of people are religious and do not want bossy time-servers telling them what they are allowed to believe.

For example, Tsarina Casey decided that (in her opinion) Catholic schools should not be allowed to teach that same-sex marriage is wrong - well, the party line is that it is not so much wrong, as impossible. Try telling Churchill, Thatcher or even Theresa May (a few years ago) that a man wanted to "marry" another man, and the jaw would drop, a "you're joking" would form on the lips, and - in the case of the first two - a strict memo would be issued asking that all nutters be henceforth sent packing by the doorman.

We don't have a lot of time for Mr Mohammed on this blog, but we understand that his views on same-sex "marriage" were similar to those of Christ's - only with added torture and mutilation. Well, we have to accept these different nuances in the interests of equality and diversity.

An all-purpose attempt to find common ground between religions.

The new Integration Tsarina will not be expected to wear a chamber-pot on her head, but she will be charged with investigating organizations that have a problem accepting Christian teaching. These may include the National Secular Society (approx. 5 members), the British Humanist Association (3 members, or 4 if you count the hamster), the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Ranting and Screaming (oh, at least 2), the Tony Flannery Support Group (1 member), the Friends of Tina Beattie (500 online members, of which 495 are traddy sockpuppets) and the Jesuits (far too many). We wish the new tsarina well.

The new Integration Tsarina.

Millions demonstrate against Giles Fraser

View from Eiffel's Tour de France of the Non à Gilles demo.

On Sunday a massive demonstration was held in Paris against the French government's proposal to recognise people such as Giles Fraser, Le curé comique, as real priests. The organizers estimated the attendance at over a million, the police said 800,000, and the government 100,000; the BBC reported that there were only about a dozen people taking part, preferring to concentrate on the Amamus Gilem Fraserum demonstration in Rome, where four girls took off their clothes in order to show to the Pope their well-developed arguments for supporting the wacky Englishman.

Two onion-sellers discussing Giles Fraser.

Said a typical French demonstrator, Armand Legue, "In France we have a tradition of Laïcité. The state is purely secular, and the priests are religious. We cannot accept a situation in which people whose actions are based on secular values are allowed to operate as priests."

Supporters of Giles Fraser have offered to take him into care.

Back in Britain, over 1000 Catholic bishops and priests have written a letter to the Daily Telegraph complaining of the Government's plans to redefine priesthood. "We don't think the definition of a 'priest' of the established church should be extended to include the likes of Giles Fraser," they explained. "He spends his time calling harmless people 'bigots,' and accusing them of 'persecuting gays', simply because they preach the same concept of marriage as Christ Himself did." The Government, however, is apparently set on a policy of extending the priesthood to include deviant minorities such as Guardian columnists and Thought for the Day ranters.

Blandings Castle, with controversial Giles Fraser lookalike (L).

Curiously, the BBC itself has also been criticised this week, for broadcasting an adaptation of P.G. Wodehouse's Blandings Castle, in which one of the characters was clearly identifiable as a parody of Giles Fraser. Said a Fraser supporter, "Admittedly, she did little but grunt 'Oink, oink,' but the scene in which she relieved herself over a copy of the Guardian struck some of us as a little too close to home."

In secular seculorum

My Anti Moly, wot is an atheist, and not very saved, was sittin in an armchair last week, drinkin a "possum's spleen" cocktail - gin, tomato juice, custard, and a dead spider - when she said to me, "Eccles! De Natoinal Secular Society is gonna hold a Secular Europe Rally, and we is gonna go along. Dey has put an advert in de paper sayin, 'Because of equality and diversity regulatoins, we is now obliged to recruit some intelligent people as well,' so let's go along and see what it's like."

As you can see, fanatical loonies are still welcomed.

"But Anti," I explaned, "I is a saved pusson, and we doesn't do secularism in de Calumny Chappel." But she insisted.

Our host, Damain Thopmson, said he couldn't come, because he was goin to a meeting of de Pinkshorts - dat's a para-military group he has jioned, wot sits around all day eating cupcakes and waitin for de return of Gladys Mills, de once and future Queen. (When she turns up, dey will shout "Heil Gladys!") So Anti and me went on our own.

We was very pleased to see lots of celebrities marchin down de street saying "What does we want? Nuffink! When does we want it? Now!" For example, I saw Richard Dakwins carryin a banner, sayin, "Church of Dakwins. Please leave your brains outside" (dat's a joke I stole from de opera Oilanthe).

"I'm sure that Declan was only joking when he called me the Satanic Anti-Christ."

Also de famuous Cathlic Professor Tiny Betty was dere, de one wot has been so creully banned from a 20-mile radius of Clifton Catheddral. I used to fink dat Cathlics cuoldnt be secularists, but luvvly Tiny tells me dat on matter such as divorce and gay marriage she is much closer to de secularists dan to de Pop. "Is you gonna swim back over de Tiber?" I asked her. "Swim, Eccles? I finks I can walk on it!" she replied.

"Between the two of us we should be able to keep Professor Beattie out."

Well, de highlight of de secularist rally was a speech from Terry Sanderson, pointin to de acheivements of secularism in history. I can quote it in full. "Er, um, well, yes, we've all done very well." I like a speech like dat wot gives me plenty to fink about. I weren't so sure when he came to talk about what a grate fing it is to abort babies if dey is gonna be ugly like my bruvver Bosco, to have sex wiv poeple of de same sex, and to get put to death when you ain't feelin' too well. My Anti Moly ran away at dat point sayin "I aint ready to die yet, it was just a bad spider I ate."

I fink Terry must also be quite keen on slavery too: apparently dere was a chap called Wilbur Force who stopped it, and I fink he was gonna point out dat it's just anuvver example of how relligoin prevents us all from havvin fun.

Wilbur Force - a typically interfering Christian.

I gotta chance to talk to dis Terry pusson afterwards, and I fink his probblem is dat he got very bored by relligoin in school, and so decided dat de experts had got it wrong. He told me dat he also got bored by mathemmatics, so next week he is organizing an Innumerate Europe Rally, wiv de following powerful sloggan:

Don't accept that 2 + 2 = 4.

2 + 2 = 5 is your right.

Well, we all had a good time bein secular. But when I left, and I said "God bless you, Mr Sanderson, you is a slightly saved pusson," he bit me in de leg. I fink I might have rabbis now - being ecumenical aint as easy as it seems.