This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 9 June 2014

Missing veteran found safe

Some items of religious news have just come in.


Basil Loftus - safe and well.

A Vatican II veteran, who disappeared from his care home after being told that he could not attend celebrations for E-day - because he didn't really believe in the bodily resurrection of Christ - has been found safe and well. Monsignor Basil Loftus, 93, escaped from his minders in Ravenloonie, in northern Scotland; he was eventually found wandering round the Catholic Times muttering that the Church kept asking him to assent to doctrines which no true Protestant could stomach. Also he would sue anyone who called him a heretic, especially if it was the pope.

Said one spokesman: "He really shouldn't be allowed to wander around unattended. Sometimes he just says the first thing that comes into his head, and it causes annoyance to so many people." A member of the public, Dr Joseph Shaw, added: "He came and sat next to me on the bus; after two minutes of his ramblings, I couldn't take it any more. In the end I was forced to go and sit somewhere else."

Basil has now been returned to his care home in Scotland. He is not believed to be dangerous, just very boring.

The bishops of England and Wales today were today in crisis, after their headquarters were officially labelled "unsaved". Said a spokesman, "I know that some of us have been getting a bad press lately, but it seems a little cruel to say that we are 'unsaved'."

Eccleston Square

Bad news for the CBCEW.

Finally, it was announced that a computer had narrowly failed to pass the Turing Test, which requires a machine to respond to questions so that it cannot be distinguished from a real person. The computer, a Retro 84, was programmed to contribute to Twitter, trolling the timeline of a prominent speaker for Catholic Voices, and making inane comments on everything she said.

Ena Sharples

Ooh, look what @fairdove has been saying today. Not a make-it-up-as-you-go-along Catholic like me LOL.

Initially it was thought that the Retro 84 was a genuine Catholic woman, but when it started loading its comments with meaningless words such as "bigot" and "homophobe", and when it described Hans Küng as an "eminent theologise", it was clear that in fact it was simply a computer program speaking, possibly one influenced by the legendary Professor Stanley Unwin.

Stanley Unwin

This computode Catholibabe knows its trollybanter! Amazey.


  1. Dreary Sir.

    Far be it from home but neerdowell the slanty-eye tradicyclist when the churchy people must reachy out to homophones and all kind of squeezy feelies of a multicluttered sociopale, deservingwise abandony olde punctured dogmaps. Nobody expectied the Spanish weather station.

    Surely the timewaste has bewailed and the moaning has arrivelode for a springy step and a clamourage dinny for a throwback forward into the demograph?

    Ferdimass Nandtrousers,
    Tumblingwells ACTA newt and slithery

  2. Darling eccles, back from my hols, catching up with yore luvverly blogg. Sad story here - shame they found him really :) xx Jess

    1. Ullo Jess, welcome back. I'm afraid that bruvver Bosco escaped again while you was away - you'll find him annoyin that poor Chalice don on your blogg.

    2. Thank you, darling eccles - yes, I saw him - he says he's turned over a new leaf, but we don't know what was under it yet xx Jess

  3. Surely Mgr. Basil's "finding" is not a real physical and material finding such as you or I might have. Rather is it a mythic projection on the part of the community of his true admirers' who had been traumatised by his sudden and inexplicable disappearance.

  4. Yor pikchur duzzent luk 1 bit lyke the Baz loftus i remembur wen i woz at skool wiv im. I suppoze we must both be a lot older now...or maybe Patricius haz it rite. It must be a "mythic projection"

  5. Fr. Basil (as I am sure he prefers to be called in these heady democratic days) wrote (seriously) that the driver on his school bus faced away from the passengers but he doesn't expect a priest to do the same with his congregation. It might be thought uncharitable to bemoan the fact that the driver was so dogmatic and fixated on 'old ways' and so it is certainly not an opinion that I would express, but it makes you think.

  6. Surely, your headline should be "Missing Vegetarian found safe".