This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 11 June 2014

The British 10 Commandments

Following on from the Government's decree that schools should promote "British values", we have been trying to find out what these are. Is it old ladies drinking warm beer as they cycle across the cricket pitch to Mass in the morning mist, or is it something more concrete?

Miss Marple

Miss Marple on the trail of someone without British values.

We are therefore grateful to Michael Gove for providing us with an advance copy of the 10 Commandments, edited to incorporate British values.

1. I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.

In modern secular Britain, it's best if you have no gods at all: indeed, you can get into trouble for preaching Christian doctrine, especially if you actually mean it. There is no ban on strange Prophets, however, so Muslims can say what they like, unless they go so far as to wander around with hooks threatening to blow up people.

2. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

Blasphemy isn't really a problem these days: we're more worried about "hate speech", and there are certain words you may not say, such as the N-word or various synonyms for "homosexual". Using "Christ" or "Jesus" as a swear word is perfectly all right, and even encouraged.

Boris Johnson

Bloody Hell, did I just say "Cripes"? Sorry, folks.

3. Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.

Yes, Sunday is the day for worshipping Mammon. Get down to the shops and stimulate the economy! Or watch football. Of course some eccentrics may prefer to go to Church, but there are no proposals to make this illegal. Oh, Nick says there are. But not before 2015.

4. Honour your father and your mother.

We've had to scrap this, as a majority of Britons don't know who their father and mother are. Others will, quite naturally, have two fathers or two mothers in a loving same-sex marriage. Anyway, who wants to honour an old fuddy-duddy who could be well over 30?

Bert and Ernie

We're soon going to hear the patter of tiny feet!

5. You shall not kill.

We Britons are very proud of having abolished capital punishment for people guilty of murder; contrariwise, we are equally proud to support abortion, euthanasia (soon), and other ways of bumping off the innocent.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Since we've nearly abolished marriage, we have de facto abolished adultery. Result! Of course, fornication is frowned upon in some circles, but hey! this is the 21st century, and sex is a very British invention.

No sex please, we're British

This is postmodern irony. Or something.

7. You shall not steal.

Quite right too. Of course, as MPs, we personally don't need to steal, as if we require the odd duck house we can claim it on expenses. Or we can flip our "second" homes to get a favourable mortgage deal. Or claim that our live-in lover is our landlord. No, stealing is right out. Put away that striped pullover, the mask and the bag marked "SWAG". They're unBritish.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

Note that lying in general (or "politics" as we call it) is perfectly permissible. It is well known that British politicians are the most honest in the world: well, more honest than the Greeks, Egyptians and Kazakhs, at least. Possibly. However, it is unBritish to make up stories about people, unless you're a Daily Mail journalist.


...and I heard that Mrs Gove at Number 6 was a Russian spy running a cannabis factory...

9. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife.

This has been extended to live-in partners, whether of the same sex, the opposite sex, neither sex, both sexes or undefined. Our core British values are Equality and Diversity, and we certainly aren't transphobic! Now, a little coveting is perfectly British, but nonetheless, Nick tells us that even he has slept with fewer than 30 women; so if your street contains more than 30 neighbours' wives, don't covet them all.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour's goods.

Who makes up this rubbish? How are we to stimulate British industry by selling more cars, washing-machines, etc. unless people do their duty and get coveting? Coveting is a British tradition!

Ed Miliband eating

How I wish I had a nice house in Downing Street!


  1. Thanks for the lesson. I had wondered what "British values" could mean. Those who determine the imposed "values" in Beitain also impose a disvaluing of the truly objective, eternal values of the Natural Law and revealed by Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

  2. Question: Does "British Values" mean the same thing as "The Special Relationship" that Britain says it has with the USA ?


  3. Dear Sir,

    As progressive Catholics, isn't it time we revised our understanding of some of these ancient and outdated Hebrew laws, in line with the clearer and more practical thinking introduced by throwing open the windows to the spirit of doing our own thing?

    For example, some of us in Tunbridge Wells ACTA had our preconceived prejudices challenged recently regarding the so-called commandment "Thou shalt not kill". During an interfaith halal coffee morning, a very well-spoken young man, educated at Eton and recently back from Syria, explained why he had helped in the beheading of the whole male population of a Christian village near Aleppo. What he described as the infidel sounded pretty much to us in ACTA as a bunch of fascist traddies, so we had quite a lot in common when it came to the Fifth Commandment.

    Yours astonishingly,
    Ferdinand Mass-Trousers
    Tunbridge Wells ACTA/ISIS Alliance

  4. Darling eccles, I think they sold British values down the river some time ago; prolly got a decent price for them; which reminds me, Bosco, now where's the bill ... xx Jess

  5. The eleventh Commandment is the NT one - Thou shalt sing "God save the Queen". This probably because she'a Anglican and, therefore sectarian and not a saved pusson.

  6. 'Stimulate the economy' is heard on the BBC frequently and we know what that means. Nuge nudge wink wink (very British)

  7. Ha ha, you used the catholic ten commandments brother Eccles. Notice how the 2nd commandment has been changed. They got rid of that pesky "do not make or worship or bow befor graven images." My hats off to the catholic church. That takes guts to get rid of commandments they don't like. So come on all you faithful cathols...its Ok to bow befor any and all graven images. Hold on to them tight...that trip to hell can get breezy.

    1. Bosco dear, don't you think gravven images counts as "strange Gods"? That includes your collectoin of cement doves of course.

  8. The debate on how many commandments there really are, and what they are, and how many of them you need to attempt, continues at