Dis is me, Eccles

Dis is me, Eccles
Dis is me, Eccles

Monday, 30 June 2014

Elton John tells us about Jesus

Sir Elton John, the musician, best known for his song "Scandal in the Wind", gives us this in-depth of analysis of Jesus, and what He would have said and done if he had "been alive today".

Jesus was basically a very Christian sort of person, you see; of course, he would have dropped the awkward bits of Christianity, such as claiming to be the Son of God, and perhaps gone in for a more touchy-feely version of the faith, perhaps influenced by Buddhism. Maybe he would have become a Jedi knight, and preached a good wholesome creed such as "May the Force be with you" (et cum spiritu tuo, Ed.) before hitting people with strip lights.

Morecambe and Wise, and Elton John

Elton John, with Jorge Bergoglio and Damian Thompson, in the 1970s.

Probably, Jesus would have come out as a gay man and entered into a civil partnership and then marriage with John, "the beloved disciple". Next, by means of a mysterious procedure which probably involves women somewhere along the line - but this isn't important - they'd have produced a couple of bizarrely-named sons, perhaps called Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John and Dwight Furniture Messiah-John.

Jeffrey John

Jeffrey Elton Messiah-John.

Of course Jesus was all about love, compassion, forgiveness and having a really kinky time - especially when this means that two or more people of the same sex - or hey, even different sexes! - can get together and do what they like. My old friend Jorge (like me he changed his name to something cooler) has stripped his church down to the bare bones, and when he said "Who am I to judge?" his real message was "Elton, get your trousers off!"

Morecambe and Wise, and Elton John

More from the historic meeting of Damian, Jorge and Elton.

Of course what Jorge needs to do now is to appoint lots of gay priests, especially married ones. It's what Jesus would have wanted, and I know that this is one of the pope's main priorities. I have offered my services as an adviser on spiritual matters, along with other great minds such as Catherine Pepinster and Nancy Pelosi, and I expect to be given a humble role - perhaps as Cardinal John, head prefect (and milk monitor) of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith - just as soon as the pope gets round to reading my e-mail!

skeleton at piano

Elton plays "Scandal in the Wind".

6 comments:

  1. "Scary Vice " and "Don't let go of the Son on me" are also very low grade, (b)anal and fabrigayted songs by this amateur pianist.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A self-identified "group" of people, self-identified for their obstinate promotion of their perverse desires, activities dictate that we must all not only cease to denounce or criticise but also recognise the intrinsically evil as good, and submit ourselves and our children to the reeducation programme. Utterance of the truth is outlawed while the true crime is raised up and compared to marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As Homer Simpson once wisely observed "These pop stars - they know everything!"

    ReplyDelete
  4. And as he entered the valley of Lu'ton Jesus saw a crowd intent on stoning a man seated at a piano. He freed the man from his tormentors and said, "Go and sing no more." The man thanked Jesus and made his way down the road, which was perchance a yellow brick road, and the crowd followed him and bricked him, shouting, "We did not ask for a six inch pianist!" And lo, this became the most woeful punchline in the New Testament.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You know, this whole business with Elton, his husband, his children, is very scary.It makes me feel very unwell,particularly when I learnt of how those children were conceived. I will spare you the details as I don't want to upset you.Things are truly rotten in the state of Denmark (this is just a figure of speech..I know you are not Danish)

    ReplyDelete