This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 31 July 2014

A caliph for all seasons

A special eulogy from Aaron Y. Zelin of the Washington Institute for Getting Things Dreadfully Wrong (in association with the BBC).

Mad Caliph

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi with his greatest fan.

Caliph Baghdadi is a truly great man, and, as a member of the exclusive Al-Gore tribe, he can trace his ancestry back to the prophet Mohammed. Thus he is able to claim the title of "Grand Caliph of the Muslims, Ruler of the Philistines, the Midianites, the Jebusites, the Moabites, the Ammonites, the Parasites, and the Molybdenites (incorporating the Children of Gath, Babylon, and Wolverhampton)". What's more he is a distinguished scholar, who knows all about Algebra, Algorithms, Alcapone and all the other branches of mathematics invented by Arabs. He obtained a Ph.D. from the Islamic University of Baghdad, having followed courses in dress designing, media studies, Islamic terrorism, bomb-making, knitting and flower arranging. Oh, he's brainy!


Fractions - invented by Mohammed.

So, when he's not planning genocide, mass-murder, terrorism, and the extermination of all life on Earth, how does Baghdadi like to relax? Well, he's very fond of music, and although he refers to Lady Gaga as a "shameless infidel hussy with a rotten singing voice", he does have a complete collection of her CDs, with which he likes to chill out when nobody is watching. He is also a keen nature-lover, and escapes from the tensions inherent in being a world leader by pulling the wings off butterflies and chewing live gerbils.


"Harry", Caliph Baghdadi's pet gerbil (and lunch).

Well, I hope I have managed to give a balanced and unbiased eulogy of the man they call "Al-jol-son" - an Arabic term meaning "That scruffy old lunatic in the long black dress who keeps drivelling to himself and hasn't changed his underwear since 1991" - isn't Arabic an amazingly expressive language? As he prepares his latest jihad, one has to ask: is he really getting the praise and recognition he deserves? Compared with the religious leaders of the West, is he not both more sincere and more popular - well, with the BBC at least?

women priests

Western religious leaders prepare to launch a jihad.

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