This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 14 July 2014

Church of England votes to allow atheist bishops

In an historic vote at the General Synod (now rebranded as "Oddsyns"), the Church of England has voted that atheists may be consecrated as bishops. This is seen as a general move towards equality and diversity, following a modern interpretation of Galatians 3:28:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Dawkins and fan

Two aspiring bishops.

It was pointed out that there have been Jewish bishops in the past (e.g. St Peter), although he is not generally considered to have been an Anglican. So, if you're reading this, Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis - he's the successor to Jonathan Sacks, but nobody seems to have heard of him - then there may be a cushy job available in the Anglican church.

Ephraim Mirvis

Rabbi Mirvis... looking for a nice comfy diocese.

Applications from the Greek Orthodox church are also warmly encouraged.

Today's historic vote was welcomed by Nick Clegg, the deputy prime minister, since it means that self-declared atheists such as he will be allowed to become bishops. Until now, atheists who wished to become Anglican bishops had to be more subtle in declaring their beliefs, usually by denying the truth of the resurrection, or, more subtly, by contradicting Jesus's teaching on marriage, life and death, etc.

Nick Clegg

Soon-to-be-unemployed atheist politician seeks bishop job. Has got own mitre.

Many of my readers are either Catholics (hello, there, Vin!) or atheists (hi, Richard!) and may be unsure what an Anglican bishop actually looks like. We decide to go to the Church Times for an authoritative picture.

bishops levitating

At a solemn moment in the service, your bishops will levitate.

Of course the Catholics are unlikely to consecrate women, atheists, liberals or Jewish rabbis as bishops in the near future. However, there was a scandal recently in Lancaster, where the bishop was seen performing what looked like a Vulcan Death Grip on a worshipper, and was promptly accused of being a logically-minded alien. It was soon agreed that such a claim was ludicrous.

Campbell death grip

A deacon and his wife are accused of blogging.


  1. We look forward to reading of the future adventures of Bishopess Bosser-Slut in your comic weekly, and in our Brave New World where all "normal and natural" Inner Party members are to receive all manner of holy protection from our gaily attired Thought Police in their holy woman costumes ...

  2. May I enquire as to whether any animals were harmed in the making of this decision (to allow female you-know-what) ?

    Also, does this Post contain any nuts ?

  3. In fact, one may not become an Anglican bishop unless one denies the Deposit of Faith.

  4. The lower picture is at Our Lady & St. Joseph's, Carlisle - the church of my youth and fond memories. Alas, a few years ago the then PP [Msgr.] refused to allow a curate Celebrate the TLM there, although an adjacent parish did accommodate him.

    1. yes, The Adjacent Church Movement is very empathic toward traditionalism.

  5. Eccles, you forgot to mention that the Holy Ghost had to send his "conflict resolution" and "professional mediation" companies to achieve success.
    Perhaps Franciscus might deploy them to deal with SSPX, FFI et, al?