Dis is me, Eccles

Dis is me, Eccles
Dis is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Scalfarius interviews Jesus

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Many people will know of me as the leading journalist of the Roman Empire, and founder of the newspaper Res Publica. I spoke to Jesus of Nazareth shortly after his famous Sermon on the Mount, and what He had to say will shock you.

Scalfari

Sorry, my hearing aid's been broken for years.

I interviewed Jesus under the best possible circumstances: I refused to record the interview, or to take notes, and my hearing aid was broken, so I couldn't hear Him either. In fact most of the time I hid in a cupboard, so as to resist the temptation to try and lip-read the Messiah. Nonetheless, I can tell you exactly what He said, even though He spoke Aramaic, a language unknown to me.

Jesus told me that He is very keen on an all-female priesthood, and that the all-male priesthood favoured by Jewish tradition was simply a mistake. He had given the keys of Heaven to Petra, an ambitious young lady that He had met somewhere, and she was going to become the first Holy Mother.

St Petra

St Petra shows off the keys to Heaven (ringed).

Jesus is well-known for saying "I came not to judge the world, but to save it." He expanded on this theme to me, explaining that old-fashioned notions of Good and Evil were now redundant. "If a man wishes to commit theft, murder, adultery or even bear a little false witness, who am I to judge? Who is my Father to judge? No, just SMILE, that's all I ask my disciples to do."

Pope Francis sad

Smile, Francis! Football's only a game!

Evidently, reports of Jesus's teachings from journalists such as Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have got things completely wrong. They claimed that Jesus believed that one of the Twelve would betray Him, but in fact what He said to me was "Do you know that 8.333333% of my disciples are perverts?" Trust me, I'm a Tablet journalist, would I make up something like that?

Well, there are many other things Jesus said to me (such as "Why are you hiding in that cupboard?") but I think I have given the essence of his character: a quiet man, who merely wants to be left alone, with simple hobbies such as climbing mountains, messing about in boats, and sometimes riding on donkeys. I would say that He was probably an atheist, like myself, and that all that He wishes to do is to undermine religion, as I do.

walking on water

Simply messing about in boats (or out of them).

© Large Scale Fairy Stories inc.

12 comments:

  1. Dear Sir,

    As much as we in ACTA would agree with most of the sentiments expressed in your lovely bloguepost (above), it is an entirely dishonest and underhand satirical trick to picture the sleeveless harridan Ethel Splurg of no fixed abode, who is a well known client of the Waterloo soup kitchen, during one of her warm-up sessions prior to running naked through Westminster, screaming "I was at Nicaea and the traddy bastards screwed us!"

    I would like to simply point out that she is untypical of women priests/bishops and most use the kind of underarm deodorant that does not dissolve your sleeves.

    Yours incredibly,
    Ferdinand Mass-Trousers
    Tunbridge wells ACTA

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  2. Darling eccles, Scalfarius is a mythical creature believed in only by members of ACTA and UNCLE xx Jess

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  3. In other news, the Tablet Comics Group has just announced that Pope Francis is now a woman !!!

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    1. He is not a woman, only I is a woman :) xx Jess

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  4. This has to rate as one of the best satirical pieces "in history"!: The Most Misunderstood Pope in History", The Vortex, Where Lies and Falsehoods Are Trapped and Exposed (!!!!) What in the world??!! (You couldn't make this up! Well, maybe you could, Eccles - but only a very weird mind such as yours! Hey, did you hack into the Vortex and replace the proper text with your most incisive satire yet???)

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    1. Lynda, many of those who understand Italian and/or Spanish have been saying exactly the same thing ever since his election.

      The English translations from the Vatican, at least, seem to have improved a little since last year -- but the English translation of Evangelii Gaudium is atrocious, just as one example ...

      But then -- the English translations of Church documents have been a serious problem since Vatican II

      (I apologise to one and all for posting any serious content BTW, and mostly to bruvver Eccles -- I is not serious, only Bruvver Eccles is serious)

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    2. The Pope's constant actions and inaction, his general behaviour is in keeping with the multitude of reported statements (not retracted or corrected) that are objective contradiction of the Deposit of Faith. He continues to act in the same way that he did in his decades of public life prior to becoming pope. His words and actions ought to be objectively assessed on their own merits. If they are erroneous when said or done by anyone else, they are erroneous when said or done by a pope (but much more scandalous). We need to use our right reason in the same way we used it before Pope Francis's becoming pope. Objective truth does not change. The Deposit of Faith does not change. The Divine Law does not change. The mission of the Church is to proclaim (the unchanging, objectively defined and knowable) Faith, and save souls.

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    3. ah !! The Lyndasterium has spoken !!

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    4. No, the Pope has spoken.

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    5. But this is entirely normal for a lib-mod pope - why be so surprised. You won't get anything else.

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    6. U is not more Cathlic dan de Pop ; only I is more Cathlic dan de Pop.

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  5. Apparently, I was reading that Scalfarius friezed upon first meeting him but fust anumber of times biffa he satin his chair and cottoned on that in fact he really was Petrafied.

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