This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Pope eats ordinary food

Vatican-watchers were astounded today when Pope Francis came into the canteen at lunchtime and ate some food. "I didn't think that popes ate food like ordinary people," said one witness. "Aren't they nourished directly by the Holy Spirit? Next you'll be telling us that he has to buy his clothes at Gammarelli, rather than being clothed in white by angels."

pope in canteen

That chap in white - haven't I seen him on the telly?

After a simple meal of pasta, cod and tomatoes (reports by aged Italian journalists that Pope Francis ate some processed lion meat - or "Burger Leo" - on a Friday are almost certainly inaccurate) the pope went to the washroom, where he is said to have squirted some Olio di Nichols onto his hands, before washing them in simple unblessed tap water and holding them for five minutes under a CORMACTM hot-air hand-dryer.

Cormac hand-dryer

The Pope is presented with an almost human-looking CORMACTM hand-dryer.

Meanwhile, the Pope's private cook, Cardinal Dolan, was less than happy with events. "I cook the Pope a simple meal of Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam, and he sneaks off and eats in the canteen. Now, I'll have to eat it all myself."

Dolan eating

Cardinal Dolan makes the best of it.


  1. Five minutes under the hand-dryer is slightly obscene. I heard he sneaked off to the canteen to consume the brandy that didn't end up being exploited by the terribly careerist fried egg on top

  2. I remember those 'Don't mind me, I'm just one of the team' lunchtime visits by the boss from my days in local government. And the reaction of the team never varies: you will note from the photo that everyone is trying to act normally and ignoring him.

  3. Pope St John XXIII, when asked, "How many people work in the Vatican?" is said to have replied, "About half of them."
    Clearly, Pope Francis is checking this out for himself.

  4. The cardinal once "joked" he would give some food he'd received to the hungry...meaning himself. No thirds!