This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

Make God in your own image!

There is an obvious explanation for recent reports that some women priests and bishops - Anglicans of course - would like to rewrite Christian liturgy to make God female: not only did God make Man in His own image, but many people would like to remake God in their own image. Here are some case studies.

Pope Francis

God dictates the more boring bits of Leviticus to Moses.

Pope Francis writes: I see God as a rather confused old man, surrounded by some rather dodgy archangels (e.g. Kasper, the Father of Lunacy). God Himself, although traditionally described as a "Judge Eternal, Throned in Splendour", is really a much more humble character, who prefers to be enthroned in a rather spartan apartment, and is anxious to reassure people with the words, "WHO AM I TO JUDGE?" Most of what God says has been taken down by unreliable prophets and evangelists, and it suffers from translation errors.

Noah and the rainbow

God teaches Noah about gay marriage.

Fr Gerry O'Morrah, Irish Catholic priest: If there's any message that we should take from scripture and tradition, it is that God is really keen on equality, diversity, gay marriage, abortion, euthanasia, and cannibalism. There are examples of these throughout the Bible, all described in enthusiastic tones. He is the God of Death and Sex, and was known as such to the ancient Irish. The very fact that He placed a rainbow in the sky after the great flood proves to us exactly what His vision was for the world.


"Cake of Heaven - feed me from thy bounteous store."

Damian Thompson, Spectator journalist: God was described as a "blood-crazed ferret" by the Church Times, but in reality He is a much milder character, whose main joy is in listening to our worship, especially when we offer it in the form of Bach Chorales and Gladys Mills songs. Obviously, being the Almighty, He has no weaknesses, but His fondness for cupcakes and custard - the Cake of Life - almost amount to an addiction. Trust me, I know about these things.

a shed

A vision of Heaven.

Other writers have described God in these terms:

"He's a grumpy old man in a shed who likes harassing and insulting people."

"Well, dude, you just don't appreciate the fact that God likes to express Himself in the panoptically ironic semantics of patriarchal exclusion using Tzvetan Todorov's absolutely intersubjective formalism. The Bible would have been six times as long, except that the moderators got to it."

"Of course He doesn't really exist, but if He did, He would definitely be a learned Professor of Zoology, and His Kingdom would be in Oxford. By the way, did I ever mention that I really hate Catholics?"


  1. "God is not a daddy in the sky!" Daily Herald headline of 1960 or so.

    The Herald has long since gone to wherever bankrupt newspapers go and the bishop whose sermon inspired this piece of idiocy has long since passed to his reward, may his soul rest in peace.

    But God still seems to be around, doesn't He?

  2. I'm sorry but I simply cannot imagine God living in that kind of Wendy House kind of shed, typical of the lower middle classes and clerics in minor orders in the urban-rural fringe in Surrey. (And certainly not with a green nylon yard broom outside it.) As I return to the house from a close encounter with mad skipping donkeys in the full moon, I wonder if - instead of an IKEA shed - God would perhaps prefer a stable cobbled together with found bits of timber, full of donkey dung well pissed on, and needing a good raking out twice a day? I think He would.

  3. It is now quite some years ago that I wrote a piece in a newspaper saying that God is not a silly old man sitting on a cloud, holding a harp and telling everyone "There, there, don't you worry, I love everyone...."
    For some reason my comment was either not accepted or it was later deleted. I can't remember which.

  4. Now you're getting with the program! Your truth is true and my truth is true and everyone's truth is true except one's that aren't true, like UKIP and the climate change deniers and the cruel people who won't let doctors kill sick people who are fed up. If there were a sky fairy, I just know that she would be kinda like me, in fact let's think about this - who knows?