This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 1 June 2015

All Anglican clergy to be rebranded as women

Following the Anglicans' widely-reported calls to refer to God as a woman (John Bingham is not widely-regarded as a satirist, so we must assume that this piece is serious), there have been further calls to refer to all Church of England clergy as "she".

Justin Welby

The lovely Justine Welby, Archbishopess of Canterbury.

Referring to God as "Our Mother" may be regarded as controversial, and would involve a rewriting of the Lord's - er, Lady's - prayer in terms such as "Our Mother, who art in Heaven, Holly be thy name, ..." No such difficulties are seen in deeming all Anglican clergy to be female: as one commentator said, "They're all a bunch of old women, anyway. Besides, atheists are used to referring to them as 'men in dresses', so if we decide that they are 'women in dresses', then this instantly demolishes a powerful anti-clerical argument."

Libby Lane

Bishop Libby gives a blessing.

Deeming all clergymen to be female will also be in keeping with the Spirit of the Age (which is an Anglican cousin of the Spirit of Vatican II), for the married males will suddenly find themselves in same-sex partnerships, which can only be a good thing. Ask Father Gerry O'Morrah of the Irish Catholic Church to explain this to you.

Mother Giles Fraser has declared herself "delighted" with her statutory change in sex; it has always been a disappointment to her that she has been unable to identify herself fully with the "gay marriage" community, being married to a woman and being the father of kids.

N.B. While researching this article (oh yes, we did) we discovered that "Giles" is derived from the Greek αιγιδιον (aigidion) meaning "young goat". So "kids" is the right word.

goat and kid

"Why do the sheep go on the right and the goats on the left, anyway?"


  1. Sounds like a good idea to me. I'm delighted that Mother Giles is delighted with this delightful suggestion (Ai gid u not)...sorry but I can't get my Greek script to work when answering here.

  2. When The Tablet was interviewing many Anglican rural area residents in UK about who was to blame for this issue of divine femininity in the C of E one farmer in Gloucestershire was overheard mumbling, "Oh arr!, It be that Saddam and O'Morrah!"

    1. Might he not have been misheard? Perhaps the good farmer was referring to the new film "Sod 'im an' begorrah".

  3. Η Εκκλησία της Αγγλίας - το δώρο που κρατά δίνει!
    ( The Church of England - the gift that keeps giving!)

  4. And The Transgenders are catered for . . ?

    How , exactly ?

  5. To prevent further confusion, the following changes should be incorporated in your future writings.

    Hymnals will be known as Hernals; Epiphany as Herphinay, Easter as Herster and (long overdue PC correction) Missals will be Ms sals

    thank you

  6. "Deeming all clergymen to be female will also be in keeping with the Spirit of the Age "

    This is complete nonsense, and goes against all principles of self-determination and autonomy.
    It matters not what others "deem" one, what matters is self-identification.

    I still indentify as a female, and human, as it happens, (though both designations are entirely at my whim and pleasure,) but from now on I choose to self-identify as 27 years old.
    I also think I will identify as weighing 8 stone. (That's good, isn't it? You British folk confuse me with your weights and measures.)

    I also think I may start to identify as Italian, (they seem to have a lot of fun,) as being in shape, and as having a high F.