This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 15 June 2015

The Spirit of Magna Carta

As readers will be aware, today is the anniversary of the signing of Magna Carta - a little-known Vatican II document - by "King" John XXIII, who had been forced to make concessions to the powerful barons of the Church (known in those days as bishops). Since Magna Carta has long been regarded as the main origin of the rights enjoyed by modern Catholics, it may be helpful to explain exactly what these are.


King John XXIII checks the Magna Carta.

It was agreed:

1. That the following sins were no longer to be considered as serious, or to be punished by eternal damnation: murder, theft, adultery, false witness, coveting neighbours' oxen.

2. That no Catholic could be forced to sing "Shine, Jesus, shine," "Lord of the Dance," "If I were a butterfly," or anything by Paul Inwood.

3. That no Catholic could be forced to attend clown masses, puppet masses, gay masses, or masses with liturgical dancing.

Dalek mass

The same applies to Dalek masses.

4. That retiring collections should be optional (the official position of "burly chap who stares menacingly at you until you have coughed up money for CAFOD to squander" being abolished).

5. That masses need no longer be in Latin, but the common people were allowed to worship using vernacular expressions such as "Eee, by gum", "Yaki da, boyo" and "Cor, strike a light, guv!"

6. That the "Kiss of Peace" was strictly optional, and anyone seen prodding his neighbour in order to intimidate her into a kiss would be considered guilty of assault.

mouse kissing cat

Eeek, my lunch just kissed me!

7. That the barons would be allowed to celebrate Ascension Day, Corpus Christi, etc. on any day that suited them, rather than using the same ecclesiastical calendar as the King.

Such hard-won rights continue to this day, so we are indeed lucky to have Magna Carta.


  1. Brilliant, young Eccles. Brilliant.

    I note that you refrained from any mention of Baron Hyphen (currently oversees) and the continuing absence of Latin Lessons, in the Barons' Training Halls, and Gregorian Chant, both required by Magna Carta's edicts).

    You couldn't make it up, could you ?

  2. Mind you dalekmatics are fairly traditional vestments for the Dalek Mess

  3. Popes with larger girths require a Magna Carta to get round St Peter's Square.

  4. Point 6: can this be extended to cover hand-holding during the Lord's Prayer? I have every objection to having my hand suddenly clutched by the clammy, sweaty palm of a complete stranger, especially if it's another man.

  5. In a Dalek Mass what is the proper response to "You will be exterminated?"

  6. Paula N Wood did actually compose several hymns for such a liturgy called "The Millennial Mess" which is appropriate considering the aftermass of it all. "Sprinkling with Slaughter" for the opening Asperges; Others include "One in a Millenium"; "Dalexology & The Great Omen"; "Omega and Alpha"; "Zeg with Joy" and "Who shall draw water".