This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 26 May 2017

The end of Islamic fundamentalism

We have been consulted by various Muslims, anxious to solve the problem of "rigid" "fundamentalist" Muslims, the sort who think that massacring kids is a pretty neat idea. Now at last we have the solution!


After 1400 years, it is clear that Islam does need a little updating. For a start, the prophet Mohammed will have to go. Just as Anglicans have abandoned Jesus Christ in favour of Henry VIII, and Catholics now worship Pope Francis (your mileage may vary), it is possible for Muslims to have a new universally-respected leader, and here he is:

Sadiq Khan

Sadiq Khan, descendant of Genghis, and Mayor of London.

Of course, we do not propose to jettison the Koran, which is a truly holy book for Muslims, but a new "Good News Koran" has been commissioned, replacing the old "King James Koran", and making the more controversial passages more user-friendly. Out go references to slaying the infidel, and in come touch-feely Islamic teachings about giving them a pretty fierce telling-off when they are invited round for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

clown in burka

Bring on the clowns!

Clown Masses work so well for Catholics, that Mecca II is advocating something similar for Muslims. And balloons. And liturgical dancing. Out goes Arabic as the main language of the Islamic Church, and in comes "Vernacular". No longer will Islamic festivals all be celebrated on the same day, but, taking the lead from the Catholics, local churches will be able to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, etc., at a time convenient to the local Imam.

Of course we still need the agreement of the more old-fashioned Islamic Churches - we don't regard the ISIS people as heretics, merely as slightly "traddy" - but there should be no serious difficulties in modernising Islam.

Paul Inwood

Paul Inwood - his Allahu Akbar Ch-Ch will be heard in mosques around the world.


  1. Hey! I speak Vernacular! I think...
    (Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

  2. I travelled on the vernacular at Hastings, but became quite giddy when I got to the top.

  3. It would be a vernacular equinox, an islamic springtime!!

  4. I knew someone who had a vernacular on his foot.

  5. Even infidels are now allowed to join in the refrain of the muezzlin's call to prayer:
    "Vernaculì,vernaculà, vernaculì, vernaculàaaah!"

  6. .... and on the new islamic internet forum for lively modernist discussion, 'Pray Tell Or I'll Blow Your Head Off', the recent revised translation of the Koran will be discussed at obsessive length, in tones of passive-aggressive rage, with the names and addresses of the translators being published to aid their brotherly correction by liberal drive-by liturgists.

  7. This iSlam 2.0 is compelling.
    I might actually make an effort and join them.

    Or do nothing and witness the former Roman Catholic Church join them in the new world order cult.

  8. What a brilliant idea. I can't think why this hasn't been thought of before.

    If just naming an idea, by putting II behind it, as in say, 'Vatican II' (just as an example, you understand) you could destroy a religion, you could destroy all religions.

    As I said, just brilliant!