This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

When the bishop's away...

I regularly monitor the "Bishop's Engagements" page of the Catholic media, just to keep an eye on our lads, and make sure that they are not participating in any gay masses, clown masses, asparagus festivals, surreptitious 'ordination' of women, Freemason parties or chats with ACTA. However, this week's notices are rather dull, as our shepherds are all away at the Bishops' Conference in Palazzola, Rome.

swimming pool

Getting ready for a hard week's bishoping.

In fact, the way the bishops describe their absence is very revealing. In decreasing order of holiness we find "Attends Spring Plenary Meeting and Retreat, Palazzola, Rome" / "Bishop's Conference, Palazzola" / "Pub crawl, Palazzola" / "Wild orgy, Palazzola". But the fact remains, THEY ARE ALL AWAY THIS WEEK.

This is my chance to take over the Catholic Church in England and Wales while nobody is looking.

unsaved places

Eccleston Square, headquarters of the bishops.

After a bit of consultation on Twitter, I came up with the following changes that seemed worth making:

1. Restore the Holy Days of Obligation to their original dates, rather than pushing them off to the nearest Sunday. Thus Ascension Day and Corpus Christi return to Thursday, and Ed Balls Day (April 28th) and Star Wars Day (May 4th) to the days on which they actually should fall. All plans to move Good Friday and Christmas to Sunday are to be cancelled.

2. Implement Vatican II, not the Spirit of Vatican II. So the altars will conveniently be moved so that the priest can face God, rather than have his back to Him. Latin will become the principal language of the liturgy, thus removing all debates about translations. Obviously statements such as "There is coffee afterwards in the Annibale Bugnini Memorial Hall" may be made in English, although we may choose to rename the hall.

3. The complete and utter banning of hymns by Paul Inwood, Kevin Mayhew, Damian Lundy, Bernadette Farrell, Graham Kendrick, Estelle White, William McGonagall, etc.

smelly feet song

"The world is full of smelly feet." Banned from Mass. [click to enlarge]

4. All mention of Amoris Laetitia to be banned until Pope Francis condescends to tell us what it's about by answering the Dubia.

5. The instant excommunication of women 'priests', people who 'ordain' women as 'priests', people who campaign for women to be 'ordained' as 'priests', etc. Oh, and let's close down Roehampton's Department of Human Studies and Catholic Flourishing just to be on the safe side.

women priests

How many errors can you spot in this picture?

Of course, when Cardinal Nichols returns from Rome and discovers that the Church has become unrecognisable in his absence, he's likely to be a little bit cross, but think how much good it will do him.


  1. You cannot ban 'The World is Full of Smelly Feet' because it is ideal for Maundy Thursday. This is one of the very few modern novelties that really is fit for purpose. Mind you, if the clergy had to wash smelly feet the practice would die out overnight.

  2. Wow, a hymn in the same league as "But Then Comes The Morning" (okay, it's the line "Robots have taken his job" that really makes that one). includes the words.

  3. Bruvver Eccles for Pope!

  4. That 'Smelly Feet' hymn looks real but surely it is a spoof? Please tell me it is.

    Have ALL the Bishops really gone to Italy? Haven't they left one or two behind to mind the fort? If not then I support your 1,2,3,4 and 5 on your takeover bid!

    That last picture should definitely have had a Health Warning!

  5. There are some wonderful hymns in the Liturgical Hymns Old and New. On a par with 'Smelly Feet' we have -
    Caterpillar, caterpillar,
    Munching, munching,
    are through a leaf or two,

    and it continues in such an inspirational way. If you are not interested in caterpillars then buterflies might be your bag.

    If I were a butterfly,
    I'd thank you Lord, for giving me wings,
    and if I were a robin in a tree,
    I'd thank you, Lord, that I could sing,
    And if I were a fish in the sea,
    I'd wiggle my tail and I'd giggle with glee,
    but I'd just thank you, Father,
    for making me 'me'.

    This is truly inspirational stuff and the reason why our churches are packed with young people. St Francis of Assisi would have been proud to have written such faith-affirming hymns.

  6. Here's a good one. Tell Vince and his chums just to put The Church back to how it was in, say, 1945 (pre-Bugnini, pre-1955, pre-Vatican II, pre-Meltdown-of-The Church, pre-funny things going on in the Vatican, etc, etc).

    So much simpler: Restore Divinity; Octaves; Benediction; Vespers; Prayer; Stations of The Cross; Proper Devout Communion (not handing out sweeties); Confession (not "altogether now "We're sorry").

    It's worth a go. Vatican II (and "The Spirit of Vatican II) ain't working, Bruv).

    See you all at Vespers.

  7. Newer readers may not know that this lovely blog has long discussed bad hymns. Take a look at
    and maybe some of the links.

    Archbishop Eccles

  8. Cardinal Eccles,

    *Sherman the Sheep, a book for ages 5-8, has appropriate lyrics for a Catholic hymn in a Mass setting:

    We're sheep! We're sheep!
    We're brave and we're bold,
    We go where we want,
    And not where we're told,
    'Cause we're sheep! We're sheep!

    We're sheep! We're sheep!
    We're wild and we're free,
    We see what we like,
    And we like what we see,
    'Cause we're sheep! We're sheep!

    We're sheep! We're sheep!
    We're fast and we're strong,
    Wherever we go,
    We never go wrong,
    'Cause we're sheep! We're sheep!

    We're sheep! We're sheep!
    We're clever and smart,
    We always finish
    Whatever we start,
    'Cause we're sheep! We're sheep.

    *Sherman's name was Jorge before becoming leader of the pack

  9. Please tell me that 'Smelly feet is a spoof' You can't be serious, can you?

    1. I believe it is real. Michael Forster is a hymn-writer of the Kevin Mayhew stable.

    2. I am most fortunate in not being exposed to this insanity because I live in the shadow of a Cathedral which offers traditional services and liturgical music. Trivialising worship in this way is sacrilege.

      Sorry Your Holiness Bishops and Cardinals - I will never collaborate with this sinful disrespect to the religion of our forefathers.It beggars belief that any of you could adopt or support these destructive Protestant ways of worship. I hope that when the meeting convenes there will be a decision to put an end to it.

  10. 'So that the priest can face God!!!! Do you not understand the concept of omnipresence. Why should God only be in a particular place of your choosing?

    1. God is everywhere but chose to localize in spacetime too, AKA incarnate. So what you said is completely and utterly out of place when we refer to the Eucharist and Mass. Sure, for the rest you can surely go with MT 6:8 or chant about smelly feet.

    2. Indeed, the priest often has his back to the tabernacle when offering Mass. That can't be right.

    3. Well, that depends on how ugly is the priest's face.

  11. Well, I for one am upset with these proposed changes.
    I don't see why Christmas, Good Friday, and Easter aren't celebrated on the same day as an optional moveable feast with an ecumenical service in the absence of a priest. Gets rid of all the bother of confession before receiving, too. Proper use of the communion table with a smorgasbord of historically and culturally themed foods (with paper plates and cups - no washing of dishes or feet) instead of stiff jointed ketotic staggering post biscuit. Weather permitting to be held outdoors where good folk can face God and Friends in all ways including face up and face down, not just this confining front and back. Enthusiastic singing encouraged. Dress optional.
    I'm sure even Anti could be persuaded to join in.

  12. Writemaggie: I think scripture mentions that God came from the East. Can't have the priest on a revolving platform.

  13. Jolly good changes, one and all.

  14. Please become Archbishop of Westminster now. How refreshing. Some common sense.

  15. 5921 plus infinity ? Not 5921 plus or minus infinity ?

    1. I think you're referring to a different post. Still, if the Universe was created in 4004 B.C. and God was then infinitely old, His age is now 6021 + infinity. 5921 was a typo, which I must fix.

  16. Everything you have pledged makes perfect common sense. I nominate dear Eccles as next primate of England and Wales!